I deleted my profile, because I was embarassed I guess.<P>Living with my BF for 6 years, I left him about 3 years ago, to much fighting and drinking.<P>He got a new GF, and I got interested again.<P>The last 2.5 years have been a hell of my own making. I moved back in almost 2 years ago, and he has never stopped seeing her.<P>He says she has a new BF, but he still has those late nights and mysterios phone calls. We can't talk about it, he accuses me of b****ing, all I want to do is have a talk.<P>Yesterday I found an empty wine bottle in an odd place. A receipt for some clothes that I didn't get. And I read his cell phone bill. Dozens and dozens of calls to a number, that I connected to her (dontcha love the web). One minute each, I concluded she has blocked our home number. He also he called an old GF in Aspen. It will never be me, he's talking about taking a train trip, I'll bet he wants to go to Aspen.<P>We aren't intimate (once in 6 months, intiated by me). We can't communicate. We aren't married. No kids. I'm afraid of his temper. He has been very depressed, talked about not living. Next day he is on cloud 9. The household revolves around his moods. I pay most of the bills. <P>Why am I "afraid" to leave him? I pay the rent, the insurance, the gas, buy the groceries, I'm afraid he will fall apart if I leave.<P>But aren't I entitled to some happiness?<P>I've planned-A him to death. Started Jan-99. It's pretty bad when friends call you to tell you where he REALLY was last week when he said he was with them.<P>He swore he hasn't seen her, no he admits there were a few "incidents".<P>The window of my car was smashed out the same week.<P>I just don't want to live this way anymore, he thinks everything is great. I cook (love to), do the laundry, shopping, everything is there but he doesn't/he isn't IN LOVE with me.<P>I'm his support system and that is what he loves.<P>He would leave in a minute if the opportunity arose.<P>He doesn't want to get married, all my friends and family dislike him. <P>I just feel very bad, I disagree with his politics, everything. He yells at the TV.<P>I just turned 40 and have too much gray hair and probably will never have babies.<P>I don't know what I'm writing all this for, maybe it's by farewell to MB, I faked it for so long that we were "just like" married and the principals would help.<P>I cannot trust him, he will never open up, and I am afraid of his temper.<P>There is really no reason to stay is there?<P>How can I be afraid of hurting someone like him?<P>Help.<P>

(((((((((((((((((((((JT))))))))))))))))))))))<P>You deserve and can get alot better. Get out while the getting is good. Was that to blunt! Just typed my first reaction. <BR> <BR>Fourty is not old. I started my life as a WOMAN at 40. (Not that i had a sex change operation or anything) Hear me roar! You don't need kids. Borrow someone elses occasionally. You certainly don't need a mooch who is using you and abusing you. <P>He is described in Pitman's book. He will never be what you want and need. Free yourself. <P>Good luck.<P>Beth<P>P.S I hope I am not being too harsh. Sometime I just blurt and this is one of those. If I think of something more helpful to say later I will comeback. You just deserve better.

jt,<BR> You probably would be in the same position whether you were married or not.Maybe it's better you didn't marry him.Why do you even want a relationship like this?It sounds like a dead relationship,with you giving him all the support.Don't worry about hurting him,he doesn't seem to have a problem hurting you.Get some self-respect and lose this bum.You can do better. --Murph

jt,<P>I was in basically the same boat as you. I was married to a very abusive man for 10 1/2 years and had 3 sons with him. He started having an affair in October 1999. I found out on December 23rd 1999 and he left the same night. I waited and tried to plan A for 2 months and then one day I woke up and wondered why I felt so good. It's called freedom and being worry free. <P>For 10 yrs, I loved him and did anything for him and it was never enough. I never wanted to divorce him. No matter what he did to me. I was afraid of being alone and of leaving him alone. He had never been on his own and neither had I. <P>I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow about divorce. I don't want to be in a destructive relationship anymore and I think they are the hardest ones to get out of. You are not too old to start a new life. And it would be so rewarding! I'm slowly finding that out. <P>Since you aren't married and have no children, it may be easier for you!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Thank you Pilot's WIfe, Murphy and Mitzi!<P>It has been over a year since I wrote this post, I've checked in once or twice over the last year, did a search and found this old post!<P>I moved out just a few weeks after that post. I actually RAN out, and he chased me down the street and threw me to the ground, but I got up and wrestled free and kept running with only the clothes on my back, and 1 shoe, the other one fell off. I ran for my life to my parents house. He cut up every card and ID in my wallet, and loaded up all my possessions into the back of his truck and dumped them in my parent's yard. He scared my 70 year old parents. He has raged and screamed at me. He left dozens on messages on my phone. He still calls me every day. I live in a house with bars on all the windows and the doors.<P>And I have not been this happy in seven years or so, since I first met him.<P>I am free I am free I am free<P>I wake up everyday and thank God. I can do what I want, when I want, without criticism or rage. But mainly I am safe, I don't have to be afraid anymore or hurt by his cheating.<P>I will never forget that last day how he was fine one second and the next he was beating me around my face, it doesn't matter why. I will never forget inching inching inching towards the door, then he sees whats happening and grabs for me as I run, wrenching my shoulder and tearing the straps off my bag, chasing me and screaming at me for blocks.<P>He thinks we can be friends, he is still seeing her and still asks me out to dinner all the time. He calls everyday. If I block his number I'm afraid it will throw him into a rage. If I get a restraining order It hink it will out him over the edge.<P>But I have been reborn, I'm SLOWLY realizing that I CAN drive, I am not stupid, I am not ugly, my opinions are not &*@#$, the list goes on. <P>I cam ehere for support all the time and while it didn't "work out"in my case (Thank the Good Lord) I hope to take what I've learned into a decent safe relationship some day.<P>Love & Peace, jt<P><BR>

JT, I recall that post. It was chilling. The fact you could still be subject to being beaten once again really bothers me. You don't need to live like you are living. Be thankful you haven't married him and there are no children involved. I will pray for you to be strong and seek a peaceful, permanent resolution to your situation. You can't stay in a situation because of your concern about him falling apart, etc. You must take care of yourself.<BR>

You're right Jaine, that's been my motivation for a long time, making sure he won't fall apart.<P>I know I'm STRONG and can handle a lot, I'm not doing him any favors by helping him. <P>If only you could know how it was a year ago, this is real progress. On the day I can ignore him and still feel totally comfortable I will feel this is all behind me and over.<P>Re-reading my post, it does sound like I'm still afraid and controlled by him, I guess in a way I am but am getting ANGRIER everyday instead of afraid. How dare he try to control me still with his words!<P>He is pathetic and it's his own fault he has no true friends and is estranged from his family, I can't cushion him from that any more.<P>I'm thinking how *great* I can be now that all my helping/healing energy is directed towards myself instead of him. <P>Thank you for replying, and how is your situation if I may ask? jt<P>

Husband and I are back together and things are good except for 20 year old son's antics.... Another story in itself. <P>Please stay strong and focus on yourself. Have a great weekend.

JT- have you read "Codependant No More" by Melodie Beatty. It helped me a lot.