I haven't posted on here for a while for a few different reasons. One being that I was sure the OW was reading my posts. Anyway, some of you might remember me, some not. I have been going through Plan A, Plan B and every other Plan in the world for around 18 months and my H is still no further forward in his decision making. My children are hurting, I am hurting, even my H's parents are hurting but there seems to be no way out. One of my closest friends is now moving away (the one who has helped me through this hell for 18 months) and I feel so alone. Yes, I know God is always with me but sometimes that is not enough. Someone please tell me it gets better. I love my H more and more each day and the pain in my heart just gets more painful each time I see him walk out the door back to his apartment. He is in counselling and I am in counselling but, to date, nothing seems to be happening. He tells me he loves me and I do believe he does, but how can I keep living like this. I want my Husband back and I want some sanity in my life again. I have grown stronger and wiser but how long must I live in this pain. I know I could divorce him and move on, but I really don't believe that is God's plan for us. He is a kind and gentle man caught up in a bad situation and can't (or doesn't want to) get out. Someone help. I just feel so down and so very sad today. Do I have to live another 18 months like this?

loveu<P>You know i remember you. Sorry I didn't respond to your email. And sorry for your intense pain - I was feeling the same way myself yesterday.<P>No - it is self abuse for you to live another 18 months like this. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have come to the realization that some of us (me included until recently) would kill ourselves (emotionally if not physically) trying to save our marriages until we decide that the pain is just not worth it. At some point "focusing on us" stops being enough to numb and deaden the pain. We are being treated horribly - and whether the reason is the "addiciton" or not at some point it stops making a difference.<P>Loveu, if you need help trying to decide if you are at that point why not try counseling with Steve again and see if he can help you re-assess the situation. I know you say you are still in love with your H, I feel the same way about my H. But I am also unwilling to continue to suffer in this way forever. I have put a timeline on my plan A, then to plan B and already have a timeline for plan b to end of marriage if a clear and committed reconciliation does not come through on his part.<P>Loveu, consider doing this for you and the kids. You have been a rock. You know you have tried your hardest to save this marriage, and while I know you still love your H - I hate to see you wither away like this before me.<P>Take care, email if you wish - I am so sorry about losing your close friend. The loss of support networks is so hard at a time like this,<P>Starpony<BR>

Thanks Starpony - you are always there for me when I need you. I wish my H could be too.<P>I know what you are saying is right, I just feel so tired and worn out by the whole thing right now. I woke up this morning and just wanted to go home to my family and feel loved again. I'm so tired. I have worked on myself, I have been there for the kids, I have tried so hard to save this marriage and I still love my Husband, yet all to no avail. I guess some people just don't deserve to be happy.<P>I'm sorry, I'm really really down today and feeling very sad and tired of life as a whole. I just wish he could see the pain he causes me, although sometimes I wonder if even that would do any good. Sorry, feeling sorry for myself today. I just want to shut the world out and cry but I guess I can't. The kids are on school vacation and need me to be here. When will someone want to take care of me?<BR>

Dear loveu,<BR>Isn't it strange that the intensity of sadness and pain far outweigh the intensity of feelings of joy and happiness?When I try and measure the awful sorrow,anger and frustration I feel it seems to far exceed those happy moments , which are so fleeting in comparison with these negative ones .<P>Is it possible to feel more hurt? A question I ask myself everyday.Along with, when shall I get my H back?When will he snap out of his addiction to OW.When will I let go of all this??I wish I had the answers to your questions as well as mine.When I approach my H in desperation for reassurance or signs of hope I am only to be plummeted down the pits of uncertainty and confusion.The man who has been a rock to me is now my adversary.Approachng him about the affair ,no matter how gently and calmly,only leads to him lashing out at me and withdrawing into a most defensive and hostile way.<BR>It is so scary to see the effects of an affair on him.It is almost a disease that has symptoms that are just too horrific for words.My H ,a most intelligent,caring,and reasonable man admits that he is willing to sacrifice me and our marriage for this OW.<BR>A few weeks ago he told me he would never divorce me.It just seems their minds have been completely overtaken by whatever chemicals or hormones this awful disease called an affair releases .I see my H as a person torn between the 2 worlds,the reality and that utopia which is so tempting .He knows he has to make a decision but he doesn't want to.It is a sad, sad, depressing situation .But would you rather live without him?I know that I still love,want and need him.Despite the fact that like you MY needs,wants,feelings ,emotions are being completely neglected while both myself and OW are competing to provide him with better service!!!UGH....... <P><BR>

Dear loveu,<BR>Isn't it strange that the intensity of sadness and pain far outweigh the intensity of feelings of joy and happiness?When I try and measure the awful sorrow,anger and frustration I feel it seems to far exceed those happy moments , which are so fleeting in comparison with these negative ones .<P>Is it possible to feel more hurt? A question I ask myself everyday.Along with, when shall I get my H back?When will he snap out of his addiction to OW.When will I let go of all this??I wish I had the answers to your questions as well as mine.When I approach my H in desperation for reassurance or signs of hope I am only to be plummeted down the pits of uncertainty and confusion.The man who has been a rock to me is now my adversary.Approachng him about the affair ,no matter how gently and calmly,only leads to him lashing out at me and withdrawing into a most defensive and hostile way.<BR>It is so scary to see the effects of an affair on him.It is almost a disease that has symptoms that are just too horrific for words.My H ,a most intelligent,caring,and reasonable man admits that he is willing to sacrifice me and our marriage for this OW.<BR>A few weeks ago he told me he would never divorce me.It just seems their minds have been completely overtaken by whatever chemicals or hormones this awful disease called an affair releases .I see my H as a person torn between the 2 worlds,the reality and that utopia which is so tempting .He knows he has to make a decision but he doesn't want to.It is a sad, sad, depressing situation .But would you rather live without him?I know that I still love,want and need him.Despite the fact that like you MY needs,wants,feelings ,emotions are being completely neglected while both myself and OW are competing to provide him with better service!!!UGH....... <P><BR>

Thanks for replying to me and giving me the only comfort in this awful situation in that there are other people out there exactly like me. I am not the only person in the world going through this hell. Your Husband sounds exactly like mine and your situation sounds very similar to mine. How long have you been dealing with this? How do you keep so strong? Some days I just want to give up and not feel anything anymore. They say that God doesn't give you pain more than you can bear - well, I'm sorry, I have to disagree with that. No one should ever have to feel this kind of pain. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I do love him, although there are many days that I wish I didn't because then it wouldn't hurt so much. I can't even imagine hurting my husband this much because I love him too much. Why does he hurt me when he says he loves me? Thanks for being there for me. I feel so alone it is comforting to feel someone out there.

Reading your posting gave me comfort, and reassurance. My situation appears to be very similar to yours, although my husband is at home he disappears over night at least two o three times a month. I know he goes to the OW. She entices him with material things such as purchasing him a truck. We have been married 21 years and I have two teenage daughters, I am a christian and strongly oppose divorce. I have been struggling thru his affair for about a year. he had moved out of the home last year and after three months decided it was over and wanted to come home. Since then we bought a new home and have many plans for our future together. Yet it has been very difficult for him to stay away from the OW, particulary, because she lives a few minutes from his job while we live across town. I'm in counseling and so are my children. He has attended two sessions with me, but is not a firm believer in counseling. My husband comes from a broken home and his family has never given him much support, so I have dealt with his pain all these years. My husband has been a good father and a warm, caring husband and still when at home he is very loving with me and the children. He does get upset and angry if I question his whereabouts or ask questions about the affair. I know he doesn't want the divorce, and I believe he is having a difficult time letting go, its the "addiction" I have taken comfort in knowing that there are women like myself that value marriage and love there husbands enough to sacrifice their own happiness for only for a little while. I will keep you in my prayers and bless don't hesitate to write me should you need someone to listen. I am reading a book titled Seven times Seventy, the power of forgiveness. It really has been a blessing, I also have read the story of King David in the Bible and have faith that the Lord can use our marriages as testimony to true and unconditional LOVE. Hope you have a great day. my email address is Anonym9354@aol.com.

Another good book...Love LIfe for Every Married Couple, by Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perking. It has a chapter on "How to Save your marriage alone, which is pretty good. Echos some of the advise that others have given. Good Luck.<P>Beth