<BR>I was the wayward spouse. I did not tell my H.about the affair at first. He found out after I move. I told him I needed "some time". I moved to another state, even though both my H. and my lover lived in my home state. It was hard leaving, but I honestly wanted clarity. At first I didn't get any clarity. But my H. visited me and brought me Harley's book. I read it and liked it a lot.My H. was being amazingly great. I didn't feel that I loved him, though, and was still in love with the OM. Recently, though, my H. told me he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. It may mean I'm weak, but at that point I realized I did NOT want to lose him. I want my marriage to work now, and I have said goodbye to the OM. I have not sat down and written a letter to him with my H, but that is because my H. is now in withdrawl, is being rather cold, and does not even ask about contact with the OM. I want my H. to move to this state and for us to be together. I feel hope...I think, but his reluctance to talk with me hurts....he has agreed to talk with the Harley's, though, and I hope that will help. My H. and I have a lot of potential and get along great....what happened was that the passion disappeared from our marriage. Not the friendship, though. I am still a little mystified about what went wrong and how the affair became so irrisistible to me, and I want to stay in this sate, because my H. and the OM live in the same state. I want so much to believe that following the books' advice will bring passion back to our marriage. I do love him and I know he loves me,...right now he is protecting himslef from me, which is understandable, but sooo frustrating for me now that I am ready, willing and finally think I have the tools to make the marriage work. I still think about the OM but have not called him or anything. <P>------------------<BR>Ina<BR>

Wecome Ina,<P>I am so proud of you...<BR>Do everthing you can to Plan A!!!<P>If your H is willing to talk with the Harley counselors you'll be in great shape...<P>I have a general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Prayers to you and your H! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 04, 2000).]

Thanks, Jim<BR> Yes, I have a lot of hope riding on my H's conversation with Jennifer which will be on Monday. It is so frustrating that he does not want to be together now. We are in different states!(literally as well as mentally!) I would move, but...it is better that he move to my current state because the OM lives in that state my H. currently lives in. <BR> I don't want to be tempted by being near the OM. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over the OM, but Jennifer says it would be easier if my H. was here with me. If we could start meeting each other's needs....<BR> I still worry that I might not feel passion for him...I don't want to hold out false hope to him. We both want a marriage with passion in it...and I am a little afraid that the techniques won't work after I convince him to try. <BR> Intellectually, the books and the techniques make sense, and my H. and I have a lot in common, get along wonderfully..have so much except passion. This was the problem that led to my affair to start with. <BR> I wish I had known about MB's before I started the affair. I think it would have saved the marriage...and now it might be too late. <BR> <P>------------------<BR>Ina<BR>

Thanks, Jim<BR> Yes, I have a lot of hope riding on my H's conversation with Jennifer which will be on Monday. It is so frustrating that he does not want to be together now. We are in different states!(literally as well as mentally!) I would move, but...it is better that he move to my current state because the OM lives in that state my H. currently lives in. <BR> I don't want to be tempted by being near the OM. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over the OM, but Jennifer says it would be easier if my H. was here with me. If we could start meeting each other's needs....<BR> I still worry that I might not feel passion for him...I don't want to hold out false hope to him. We both want a marriage with passion in it...and I am a little afraid that the techniques won't work after I convince him to try. <BR> Intellectually, the books and the techniques make sense, and my H. and I have a lot in common, get along wonderfully..have so much except passion. This was the problem that led to my affair to start with. <BR> I wish I had known about MB's before I started the affair. I think it would have saved the marriage...and now it might be too late. <BR> <P>------------------<BR>Ina<BR>

Ina,<P>I have read your posts. I am very glad to see that you want to make your marriage work, but I have a question. Why would your H give up his job and presumably his current residence to move to another state to be with a W who isn't sure she really wants to work it out and isn't sure she is in love with him? You are asking for quite a leap of faith when he probably doesn't have any faith in you.<P>As for staying in another state to avoid OM, if your H moved out you could always move back to state with OM. After all you did leave the state proving you can move on your own.<P>I am not trying to hurt you or make you mad, but it seems to me if you want to try with H you are going to have to make some sacrifice for him. Giving up OM was not a sacrifice, it was your choice. Your H has apparently given up on you. So it is up to you to provide him some incentive to try again.<P>Am I off base here? I don't think so but I am very interested in your thinking and response.<P>JL

JL<BR> I appreciate your response. What sacrifice can I make? Move to my H's and the om's state of residence? I am willing to do that. Should I do it even if my H. doesn't really want that right now? If I move, I would want to live with him, but I don't want to show up on his doorstep and make him think I am pushing him. To be honset, if he pushes me away, I am afraid that I will be tempted to see the OM.<BR> Maybe you and my H. don't think so, but giving up the OM was a HUGE sacrifice for me. <BR> I am not in love with my husband the way I would like, but I love him a great deal. If the Harley's books prove to be effective, and I certainly hope that their priciples work, then there is huge hope that our love will come back and will be even better than before. <BR> Maybe my husband has given up on us, I don't know. But what amazes me is that just 1 month ago he was SO gung-ho on making it work between us he wrote letters and notes and reasons....<BR> I know that deep down he loves me and he is just afraid of trusting me now. I cannot guarentee that my passion for him will come back, but I have a weird trusting feeling inside that it will. I have to credit the Harley's. Their books speak to me. I just hope that their techniques are effective and that Jennifer can urge my H. to try them with me. <BR> Do you have any genuine ideas of things I can try? "sacrifices" I can make? I have been calling him, and he is usually not home and his cell phone voice mail always answers.I called him 20 times yesterday and never got him. Today I got a short e-mail response. I have left a loving e-mail, and he respoded very breifly, but with resigned and restrained appreciation. I think I am on the right track, but constructive criticism is well taken. <P>------------------<BR>Ina<BR>

Ina,<P>I think you hit the nail on the head. "Maybe you and my H. don't think so, but giving up the OM was a HUGE sacrifice for me. "<P>It was a sacrifice for you. Your H doesn't seem to be impressed or he doesn't believe that you have made a hard choice. I don't either, since you are continuing to bargin. If H doesn't come back soon or if I have to move back to original state I might go back with OM. That reads like a threat. You may not intend it to be a threat but I suspect your H thinks it is.<P>What can you do? From here this is very hard. So let me play devils advocate for a second. Could you move back and not live with H, but be close to him so he could build up trust? Could you arrange to spend some time with him? Is there anything you could do for him that he would like and interpret as you making a real effort toward reconcilling your marriage?<P>You see now as I read this, it is well maybe I love my H, but OM is still in the picture for you. Your H maybe doing a Plan B type of thing to preserve his love for you or his sanity. It is also possible that he has given up and is moving on. In one month people can fall in love and love can be destroyed. You may have destroyed his love for you. If so then maybe Plan A will work.<P>The good news is that he has agreed to talk with J. Harley. But be very wary, as he may be doing this to properly end the marriage.<P>My last impression is that he may not want to be a trophy. You have only showed interest in him, when he pulled away and withdrew from the marriage. If he professed love for you would you go back to OM, now that you have him on a string again. I'll bet that concerns him a great deal since OM is still in your mind and your plans.<P>I know none of this answered your question, but maybe it will help orgainize your thoughts.<P>Let us know how the counseling session goes.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<BR> You are harsh! I spoke with my H. today on the phone, but before he spoke with Jennifer. He does not want me to move to his state.So how could plan A work for me?<BR> You made some really good points in your last response. Maybe I do want him "on a string" , or maybe I have never stopped loving him and just didn't know that we ciould have a MORE fulfilling relationship.<BR> When it comes to plans A and B, we are kindof all over the place. In the book, Jon maintains his love for Sue and keeps trying. My H. gave up. Sue keeps seeing her lover, and telling them both that she loves them both. I physically separated from them both. But I still have nice feelings for the OM. After all, we never left the stage of intimacy. We don't know the unsightly sides of each other. <BR> I am afraid that living apart will be very dangerous. I really do want to try to save our marriage. I really think there is a lot there and tremendous potential. I do not PLAN on contacting the OM. However, if my husband divorces me, eventually I would probably contact the OM. Not until after the divorce was final, though. I want my marriage back. <BR> I think it is natural for me NOT to feel "in love" with my H. right now. (Before I read the books, I didn't think this way.) I do LOVE him, though, and he has revently told me that he loves me.<BR> I have sent him two cards and a loving e-mail. His reception is lukewarm, but mildly appreciative. <BR> I want to know what else I can do. Your idea of moving to be close to him is not a bad idea. He might see it as pushing him, though, because I think we would both RATHER live in the state that I live in. It could be very expensive. If we reconciled in his state, we would not stay there very long, I don't think. <BR> About my intentions....we are STILL MARRIED. I think that is very important. We need to be together to see if we can work it out, now that we have some tools that we didn't have before. And I think this is true regardless of how I FEEL about the OM, and regardless of what shook me to my senses. Maybe I am a flawed human being, but my husband has told me many times the good he sees in me. In glowing terms and he means it. I think the same about him. Neither of us nor anyone else is perfect.<P>------------------<BR>Ina<BR>

Ina,<P>I did not mean to be harsh. But I did intend to be honest. You can do Plan A from a distance. You can also visit him or invite him to visit you. Maybe you could convince him to take a trip or vacation with you. I don't know but there are things you can do. You will have to take the initiative it seems. You H is/has backed off and is probably very hurt and confused. His trust for you isn't high. That is why you will need to take the initiative on many of these things.<P>You see, while the Harley methods do work, at some point there has to be some committment to make them work. Yours is, by your own admission, sort of lukewarm and his is probably the same for self-defense purposes. So someone is going to have to make the initial moves and push the situation. You may initially have to do this even when you don't get an enthusiastic response.<P>But if you want this marriage back, then my recommendation is go for it.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL