I talked with Lor tonight. She says that she wants a divorce. She says that she doesn't think that she won't be able to get the trust back for me, and that her heart is too hardened against me. <P>I'm just praying to God that his will be done and that he would just speak to me and to Lor. I trully believe that he can work in our marriage and make it whole again. I must leave it in his hands.<P>I am doing all that Lor has been asking of me, so that can not be the reason that she wants to proceed so fast in this divorce.<P>I guess that I would just ask for prayers tonight. I believe in the power of prayer and that God will intercede for our marriage, and turn aside those that are trying to bring it down.<P>

Guard and Lor -- My thoughts and prayers go out to you both.<P>God Bless

I, too, wish that my H (or I should say stbx, now) had done something earlier to help to smooth the past towards the future. <BR>As it is I am feeling much the same as Lor, the trust is gone and my heart has been hardened. I'm very sorry for both of you and know that both of you are hurting.

Guard,<BR>I just went back and read some of Lor's post in the past here and her profile. I have been intriqued with your posts since you began in Jan, largely because you seem to really be hanging on to some sort of mystical rebirth in Christ that is gonna make you the better, more trusting husband. You always sound so sincere and repentetent.<P> I am suspicious of that kind of talk and after reading Lor's post and profile siting the number of "separations" and OW relapses you have experienced in the past 2 years, then I really have to say that enough time has not passed for either one of you to be making any major decisions. You haven't even been "reborn" long enough yourself.<P> The way I see it, your bank account was low, she filled it with deposits from her savings account, until her account was so close to empty that she had enough. Then here you come back again. She has allowed you to make "deposits" in her account in the past 1 1/2 to 2 years, only to find you were not trustworthy as guardian of her love. Are you depleting your account now, as we speak, by tring to put it all back in hers? Isn't it time you both stepped back for a while and just let the deposits, such as they are, draw interest for a while. You just started on this 7th attempt since sometime around Feb. 3, when she caught you e-mailing the OW. That was only a little over 4 weeks ago. Separate for a while...total plan B. or choose to stay together and give the attempt 100 percent, but don't decide to divorce yet. Get firm in your own new identity and let Lor find hers. You have time.<P>Hope my take on this is not too far off the mark.<P>I wish the best for both of you, but a lot of damage has been done. <P>Beth

Guard,<P>I pray for <B>all</B> to soften their hearts... <P>Jim

To Guard and Lor,<P>My prayers are with you tonite and always. Dana<BR>

Guard & Lor<P>You are both in my prayers. God can help all things.<P>Apprehensive

Guard,<BR>You are right, God can fix your marriage. What destroyed your marriage to the point of possible divorce was sin. The pain that Lor has gone through is impossible to describe. To have the one that should be protecting her, betray her over and over is unbearable. The question you should be asking yourself is why shouldn't Lor want a divorce? What have you been doing to restore your marriage? Have you been a 100% open book to her since Feb. or do you still have secrets? As a betrayed wife who's spouse continued contact past the point of discovery, I know that she does not trust you at all. Lor is just waiting for you to go back to the ow once again. She is just trying to survive, you know survival of the fittest. Don't look down on Lor for wanting a divorce, don't try to make her feel guilty because you are now repentant. She has given you all that she can, its up to you to be the one to do all of the giving without any demands from her. I know that is not what you want to hear and its a tough road to look down. If you rely on God you can do it. If you try to look at it through the worlds eyes, you will fail. God truly hates divorce and I do pray that your marriage will be restored. Follow God's leading.

Empty Shell, Thank you for your prayers. They are greatly appreciated.<P>RCoaster, I have read a couple of your posts, and yes, our situations do sound so very similar. I do pray that you and your H can finally both come to a place where you both have the spirit to work on your marriage together. I know that it will be well worth the effort for both of you and your children.<P>Pilot's wife, thank you for the advice. You say that you are suspicious of my "new found faith", and Lor does have those same suspicions too. In fact I think that it may be one of the reasons for her deciding on a divorce right now. I do think that she is afraid to trust that I finally have opened my heart up to God again. She is afraid of if I would falter again, and she is justified in her fears, based on my past attempts. I can not calm her fears, but God can. All that I can do, is take each day, and decide that I am going to walk with God. <P>As for your thoughts on my sudden "mystical rebirth" or being "reborn", to you it may seem like a sudden rebirth, but I did have a strong faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and my salvation, before all of this, but I did let my faith falter. As you have pointed out, I had tried to give up my sin several times, but failed. I failed because I did not accept Jesus back into my heart, and give my will up to God's hands. I have done that now. You should go read some of my other posts to others on this board to understand what is happening in my personal relationship with God. The reason that I sound sincere and repentent, is because I trully feel the spirit in my body working through me. If you read some of my first posts on this board, you could see how frantic, and fearful that I sounded. Even during all of the separations, I had tried to be repentent and to walk in the light. But I would fail each time, because I still wanted to be in control, and control how God would be in my life. You know that that is not his way. I let Satan feel me with fear, doubt, lust, anxiety, hopelessness.<P>Now if you notice this post, I am really not fearful, I am prayerful. I know that God has a plan for me. I did not ask for advice, but for prayer, because I know there is nothing that I can do but take it to the Lord in prayer and have him intercede for me.<P>Sometimes God needs us to get to a certain place, in order for him to start to work in our lives, and I had to hit bottom, and get to a place where I could not do anything else, but turn to him. I will leave you with the devotionals that I received from Neil Anderson's site at Crosswalk.com. It's a great site, if you get the chance. It's amazing how each day, they have such perfect insight into some feeling that I am having, or, how Satan chooses to attack me on that day.<BR>-----------------------------------<BR>Today’s Verse for Tuesday, March 7, 2000<BR>Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.<BR>&#61623; Psalm 139:23-24<BR>New International Version<BR>THOUGHTS ABOUT TODAY’S VERSE...<BR>God knows us. We can’t pretend we are something we are not with him. This should liberate us to a remarkable degree of intimacy, but most of us run from such a close relationship with God. If our desire, however, is to become more like him, the only way to be transformed is by inviting him and looking at our heart, our motivations, and our desires.<BR>MY PRAYER...<BR>O God, I know you are the one who “searches hearts and<BR>minds” yet because of the grace you demonstrated in Jesus, I<BR>am confident that you love me. My heart is sorry for the sin I<BR>have committed, but I am really trying to serve you in honor and purity. Please fill me with your Spirit to enable me to become more like Christ. In the name of your holy Son I pray. Amen.<BR>---------------------------------------<BR> N E I L A N D E R S O N D A I L Y D E V O T I O N A L<BR> from Freedom in Christ Ministries<P>March 7<P>FREE OF SATAN’S BONDAGE<BR>God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all (1 John 1:5).<BR>Nobody loses control to Satan overnight; it’s a gradual process of deception and yielding to his subtle influence. It is my observation that no more than 15 percent of the evangelical Christian community is completely free of Satan’s bondage. These people consistently live a Spirit-filled life and bear fruit. The other 85 percent are struggling along fruitlessly at one of at least three levels of spiritual conflict.<BR>First, a believer may lead a fairly normal Christian life on the outside while wrestling with a steady barrage of sinful thoughts on the inside: lust, envy, greed, hatred, apathy, etc. These people have virtually no devotional life. Prayer is a frustrating experience for them, and they usually struggle with interpersonal relationships and a problem-filled thought life. Most Christians in this condition have no idea that they are in the middle of a spiritual conflict. Approximately 65 percent of all Christians live at this level of spiritual conflict.<BR>The second level of conflict is characterized by those who are plagued by condemning evil thoughts and strange “voices” which seem to overpower them. They wonder if they are mentally ill. Yet the majority of Christians at this stage still fail to see their struggle as a spiritual conflict. Approximately 15 percent of all Christians fall into this category. Most of these people are depressed, anxious, paranoid, bitter, or angry, and they may have fallen victim to drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc.<BR>At the third level of conflict, the individual has lost control and hears voices inside his mind which tell him what to think, say and do. These people stay at home, wander the streets talking to imaginary people, or occupy beds in mental institutions or rehab units. Sadly, about 5 percent of the Christian community falls victim to this level of deception and control.<BR>I don’t say these things to frighten you but to encourage you to walk daily in the light. As you walk in the light, you need not fear the darkness at any level. Every child of God can and should be free in Christ.<BR>Dear Lord, I choose to walk in the light today and set aside the sinful thoughts and deeds that so easily entangle me.<BR>------------------------<BR>Pilot's wife, thank you for the advice. I don't know if it is too late for that, but I am and will continue to try to give Lor space, and let God work in her life, too.<P>Take care<P>To Jim, Thank you too. I pray that your wife's heart will also soften, and that she will come back to God.<P>Guard<P>