I know my own reaction to this but would like a public opinion here...<P>Found out that after 2 years of thinking a short term affair had ended that indeed it had not..and had come to the point that H wants to marry the other woman but can't let go of me to do so. ???<P>H is seeing a counselor and she told me that even though he ended the relationship according to my wishes, it was not satisfactory to him. Therefore, she has allowed him to make one call more to end the affair on his terms.<P>I'm livid! Nobody "properly" handled my relationship with my H so why must we "properly" end this affair? Seems to me that no more contact means just that, regardless of who is left hanging. I don't think that their wrongful feelings for eachother justify proper farewells regardless of how real they think their love is...mind you, I call it an addiction.<P>What do you all think? I just don't see the good in this for our marriage...grant you, he got what he wanted and he'll feel happy about it but at what cost? I'm devistated just at the thought and I'm beyond devistated by what he has done to me over the last two years. And now I"m suppose to be an understanding cheated on wife and give him one more call to her on his terms? <P>I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is it about us Missourians and our tangled relationships?<P>You have every right to be upset, but trust me, it could be so much worse. <P>If he is willing to "end" it, and give you assurances that it will be done following the call, let him make it. Sometimes they need closure and if he can get it w/ just a phone call, be grateful.<P>Of course this all assumes that you want to continue in your relationship w/ your H. If so, a final call will hurt, but you just have to shake that off and start over.<P>So my advice, think about you in this situation. If you can deal w/ the last contact being a phone call, then let him make it. If you can't tell him NO! That is well within your right. If he goes ahead and calls, then you know where you stand in his list of important things in life.<P>Hopefully this helps. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

I do think there is a need for closure. I've seen folks post who allowed the "one last call" with the spouse on the line...although I think a letter that the spouse reads before it is sent is better.

Well I asked for it and I got it but I have to admit, I don't like what I'm hearing. (Sparkydog what is this about your Missouri comment?)<P>You know, my H has this fantasy of another woman. His relationship with her was phone only. No physical or visual contact with the exception to the latter during the first ten days when they initially met eachother then parted company until now, some 2 years later...so the story goes. <P>Only after losing visual and physical contact with her did they develop a wrongful relationship. However, this is fantasy so no rules were broken, right?<P>During this same time, I, too, had a fantasy. It was called a happy family and loving husband. All I did was push a redial button one night on the phone and "poof" my fantasy was over. His was not, though it was no longer a secret.<P>A week later, H agreed to bring the fantasy to an end...my way...by telling the OW the truth...things he had said to me about how he felt about what he had done and his feelings for me. After all the "special moments" they shared for two years behind my back, it seemed only right that she now hear what he had to say to me as well. <P>So I listened on another phone as he spoke to her. Admittedly, this was done to give me peace..the peace I did not get two years ago when this fantasy was first beginning and I discovered it and was assured that it "ended" ...on his terms.<P>So here I sit with a man who has once ended it "his way" two years ago...but never really ended it...and has ended it again...to my satisfaction this time...in addition he ended MY fantasy as well...without giving me "closure"...and now I'm reading it would be good to let him make one more call to bring him "closure"? <P>I'm just curious, what happened to the phrase "what's good for the goose is good for the gander?" I mean, where was MY closure? My fantasy not only ended but moreso, I have to get over it and try to function immediately because I DO have a family that needs me. But him, he's allowed "withdrawal" and "depression". We have to make a loving place for him to feel safe to come home to.<P>I don't know...I guess one could say I'm being awfully harsh here but it just seems that if I have to "get over it" and just deal with reality then why doesn't he? Really I don't see why he should be allowed one more call. I really don't. <P>If it really is a "good" thing I do hope the group of you can convince me of that but I have to admit, it'll be quite a discussion!<P>I thank you both for your posts, I really do. Admittedly, I don't like what I'm hearing but I don't like most medicines either and take them just the same if it makes things better in the long run!

Is what you are saying that he has ALREADY HAD a "this is the end" call to her, with you on the line? If so, then that should be the "closure" call...<P>I did not get this from your first post...maybe I missed it. But, if so, I agree. What is the point of having another goodbye call?<p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited March 07, 2000).]

Noticed in your profile you're from Missouri. Check out this thread. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001048.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001048.html</A> <P>Now to your post, I think he has broken contact that is it. But his counselor has already told him he could do it again, this time to his terms and now that is what he thinks he can have. You have to decide if that is what you can accept and deal w/ it. If you can't tell him no. But be prepared to catch him talking to her again.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Thanks again both of you...<P>...and this is why I was confused, too...he told me in 1997 that he had called her and ended the relationship. I have no idea what he said as the conversation was over and one with when he confessed. So he did it "his way". But then a short time later he realized he was hooked and chose to continue it after all. So in 1997 he did it HIS way.<P>Now it's 2000, he's willing to end it again, but after my experience of only "hear say" in 1997 I didn't leave anything to chance and ended up scripting what he was to say.<P>None of what he said was incorrect or "more" than she needed to know. It was the facts about his feelings for me and about what he had done to me with her...that was all and he admitted it was all correct. <P>So that was the current end of relationship phone call.<P>And today the counselor says that he expressed regret that he couldn't end it "his way"...but I don't know what his way is. He claims he just wants to tell her it won't work out...well "hello?" I think she has this figured out already and sure as heck should have had it figured out in 1997 after I called and told her myself to back off!<P>So I really don't see the point in allowing this to happen except to give him one more chance to hear her sweet voice and vice versa.<P>And my confusion with all of this is...since we have gone through this, and the counselor is of the same theory that all contact with this woman must come to an end immediately, why allow for this to kind of unnecessary closure?<P>She said "he wants" it. And that is precisely my concern. Whatever he wants he usually gets and that is why I've been taken for granted and why he has a hard time controlling himself...becasue he usually gets his way. This is perhaps the first time and only time I can recall he isn't getting something he wanted...all becasue I am clearly in his way. And I consider this non-compliance on my part a wonderful tool for him to learn with.<P>So if he always gets what he wanted, and now he gets the phone call too even though he has to let go of the girl, what "effort" is he really putting forth? He is still getting what he wants. Rather let him suffer just as I'm having to suffer. I sure didn't get what I wanted! I'd love "closure" to this more than he would even! But it isn't going to happen any time soon. So can't he just suffer through the days like I have to?<P>Nothing is ever fair in situations like these but I do ask for a degree of reasoning! Am I not being reasonable?<P>Thanks for your continued thoughts!

ITH,<P>Now you must surely know by now not to use reason and affairs of the heart together. Oil and water. <P>I say if it is over, it is over, it shouldn't matter how or by what method. Contact must stop or it will always be just one more time.<P>But (there's always one of those) only you know what you can and can't accept. Do what you have to do and stick to it.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com