Hello one and all,<P>Things have been going pretty good lately. Arik, I think is coming around and I do bleieve that his conversations at work are simply that, work conversations. The thing is that for the next 2 weeks he has an extra person working with him. He is usually on a crew by himself so any conversations that need to happen have to go through him-that is except for these 2 weeks. Arik and I had a conversation about this and came to the understanding that this other person would handle all conversations with OW. At least that is what I understood would happen. He says that he said this other person would call OW if a problem came up but not that he would tell OW not to call for him (Arik). So, as it stands OW still calls for Arik if she needs info but this other crew member calls OW if he and Arik need info. <BR>Arik says that the only things that OW calls him about are things that this other person can't help with. Stuff that is going to happen after this other person is off the crew, or stuff that is happening in the store that is not directly related to the jobs that they are doing right now. My thoughts on this are that these things are probably not urgent enough to need a phone conversation and could be handled through emails or faxes. <BR>Maybe I am being a little bit of a stickler here but I feel that if contact is not necesary then it would be best if there wasn't any.<BR>I am hurt and angry that he feels the need to "skate" be on a mere technicality of the wording of our conversation. He feels I am the one with the attitude because I am upset by this.<BR>AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited March 07, 2000).]

Patient Love: Ask him, what if the tables were turned and he was the one hurting. Would he want you to continue contact with the OP? This may be considered LB, but I try and put myself in the other persons shoes even if I have not experienced the situation. What if I encountered this scenario, how would I handle it? I don't do this with everything, but situations that maybe I mishandled without thinking. I won't lie to you though, sometimes it takes several times before the person gets the idea and sometimes they never get it. So don't let up, you have a right to say "no contact". The rest is up to him and how willing he is to let the OP go. If he chooses to continue, then you may have to rethink your options and go with what's right for you/family. Remember, rethinking your options doesn't always mean giving up your ground. Good luck to you.

Certainly you are correct. This is classic Arik.<P>However, if you continue to beat this point with a stick...I'll bet Arik will push back and soon you will be seriously back tracked.<P>It takes two to do your dance. I think maybe you should let Arik be accountable for his part in recovery. Since you can not control what he does anyway, trying and failing is doing your dance step.<P>I'd let him "live up" to his commitment rather than policing him. <P>When you talk to him say things like "I am honoring our marriage today...I hope you will, too."<P>Gotta go...will think more.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

sobeit-I have tried the "turning the tables" approach and his response to that is that we wouldn't even be having the discussion because the marriage would have been over.<P>FHL-You are right again, comenting on it and letting him know it hurts me is simply basshing my head against a wall as well as his. He certainly doesn't want to hear about how he has failed again. I am afraid though that I have already failed in this today. I was at his work when he received a call and I was visiably upset by this, he knows that I was hurt and angry. Besides that I had already blown it by telling him that he wasn't living up to our agreement since he had already received a couple of phone calss from her. I still have a lot of Plan Nicole work to do.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Hi Nicole,<BR>I'm going to have to think on this one. My situation was different in that there was not work related reason for verbal contact. I do know when the OW called with a computer problem in Dec. it threw me back several paces. I probably LB'd but my H responded nicely with reassurances that "nothing was going on between them anymore."<BR>Now, as to Arik's situation. There will have to come a time when Arik himself will realize that even these work related contacts are a) threatening to you and therefore counter-productive to marriage building, b) a temptation devise making his own withdrawal drag on longer than it should or has to and c) I don't know what "c" is right now, was always taught there should be three points. <P>From your stand point I would urge you to continue pouring on Plan A tactics. Make them deposits girl. It undoubtedly was clear that your learning of her calling him "with supposed work related issues" was a painful to you. He has to know that. Whether he is ready to do anything about it at this point is something else. Have you ever had a conversation with the OW? Perhaps, now would be a good time for you to do just that. I talked for over an hour to my H's OW and not only did it make me real to her, but it relieved some of my anxieties. She obviously knows that he is "back with you", but from her point of view, seems to like the power she has to dangle the fantasy relationship in his face. She prob. is dealing with some self-esteem issues herself, particularily if her marriage has also been troubled for years. If you talk to her in a "loving way" and yes, it can be done, a lot may happen to relief your anxiety about these work related contact. She may realize that the "recovery and rebuilding" is indeed in progress and she needs to bow out gracefully. If Arik trusts YOU and is truly interested in rebuilding with you maybe you can talk to him about talking to her, and let him arrange it for you. You, on the other hand, would have to promise not to call her a Wh#*e or marriage wrecker. Hey, it worked for me....<P>Good luck, and let me know what you think of this idea!<P>Beth <BR>