Affair discovered in the middle of November 99. W had affair with my best friend. Since discovery she has had no contact with OM as far as I know. My W says she's sorry it ever happened. Now she tells me every move that she makes. I've been having a very hard time dealing with the whole thing. I see the OM every day (Can't be avoided, Work related).<BR>I have nasty trigger many times a day with nausa and chest pain. He shows no remorse for what he did to me. My W told me that he was making passes at her for years but turned him down untill we started to have problems with our marriage. thats when it all started. Now that we are in recovery I've been doing my best with plan A. I treat her the way that she should be treated. the problem that I have is that I see things that she does not do now (up keep of herself) that she did do when she was seeing OM and that bothers me. It's almost like she was always ready for him. I don't know if its my imagination or not. She says that what I think is not true. As I'm writing this I'm getting pain in my chest. I can't seem to get past it. PLEASE HELP!!!!!<BR>I've read SAA and I've asked my W to read it too. She said that she would but has not started yet. ANY INPUT WOULD BE HELPFUL BEFOR E I TOTALLY LOSS IT. Thanks in advance....

Hi Depressed H,<BR> (Hope You can change that name pretty soon). Welcome to our little group. Sooner or later you will get a formal greeting. our official greeter recently had his appindix removed. <P>Anyway, don't expect things to move too quickly. You are lucky in that you W ended things early and opened up to you so soon. As far as the OM is concerned. Don't cha just want to smack his face...knock him around...kick his butt...Sure you do. Imagine that you do,many times, many ways, then get over it. That is all you can do right now under the circumstances. Give your wife a chance to rebuild your trust and at the same time practice Plan A tactics and non/love busting reactions to things she tells you. It will take a loooooooooong time. Are you up for it?<P>Sincerely,<P>Beth <p>[This message has been edited by Pilot's wife (edited March 07, 2000).]

DH,<P>The secret answer, is T I M E. Time will be what you need here. 5 years ago, my H was not my H but BF at the time, we went through a one year break up. He was seeing another woman behind my back. Being the spy that I was I found out. Well, when we got together, I swear to you, it took a good year and a half, until I truly trusted him with all my heart. I didn't need his whereabouts every minute, didn't know about that stuff then, but it took TIME.<P>DOn't rush this. Is it at all possible for you to change jobs? I know, you must hear this twenty times a day, but can you? I am concerned about the pains too. This could be an anxiety attack. I get them too. It almost feels like you are having a heart attack, HOWEVER you could be having something more serious. I hope you see a doctor for this.<P>Take time, learn, educate yourself, and we will be here to support you. Dana<BR>

Hi Depressed, <BR>As stated before NSR is our local welcome wagon and does a really good job at giving you alot of info. to start you on the way.<BR>The main thing is to read as much as you possibly can, not only from Dr. Harley but many other books out there.<BR>The other issue you brought up was that she doesn't "dress up" for you, or so it seems to you right now. Speaking from the perception of a betrayed person I think I know where that comes from! The thing is have you told her how much you care about her doing that for you? How is she to know what your needs are unless you can express them? This is very important, she might not be aware of your perceptions and to make this work out you need to set up good communications BOTH ways. You need to be able to express how you feel to her as much as she needs to tell you her feeling of being sorry.<BR>You can do this in a non-lovebusting way. I would simply say to her, "You know, it makes me feel special when you put that extra effort to make yourself look good just for me, what can I do to make you feel special?" Just a suggestion, you don't have to fall for it. Anyhow, welcome to the forum, we're glad to have you! God bless!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

lonelymom<BR>I've been in and out of the hospial six times because of the pain. I had a stress test, my heart is physically fine but is still breaking. In my heart I knew all along that there was something going on but wasn't man enough to face it. When all started going down hill in my marriage I went crying to my so called friend. I trusted him with my life and he screwed me over. Now I have a problem trusting anyone. NO I can't change jobs there's not alot of work for what I do with the $$$ that I need to live. I'm locked into my job. I want to get even in the worst way but I realize that he's not worth it. Now he's getting a divorce. His wife threw him out when she found out and the only one that I feel sorry for is his kids. The sad part is that we all were really good frends for a long time and now theres nothing.

Depressed,<P>Your name says it all, you probably are depressed. I know I was upon discovery and fora very long time after.<P>Did your Doc give you any meds for the anxiety and/or the depression. They are very beneficial. Don't be afraid to try them.<P>God Bless<P>Bob