I have posted before in response to other's questions, but I have an important one of my own.<P>I have been reading through many, many posts since finding this site, trying to find myself reflected in somebody else's story - to find a way to proceed. Here is my story, maybe you can help.<P>I am a 34 yo M, married for 12 years, together for 15, with two D (9 and 10). I come from what I remember as a stable military family with three older sisters and a younger brother. Mother and father are still married - although I am sure they had their difficulties. Throughout my live of dating - which I did a fair amount of in high school and college, I never considered cheating on a girl friend. I never cheated on my W when we were engaged - and I had several opportunities to do so - but always turned away and went home. Then, seven years into my marriage, while I was stationed overseas in Korea, I gave into the alcohol and the women. Over the course of the next 6 years I had several one night stands (7), always away from home (with one exception), always with complete strangers (one exception, when my W and I were separated and she moved back to the states for 6 months), never long term, but almost always after a few drinks.<P>I finally told my W of the cheating after a christmas party this past december. She asked, said she wouldn't get angry - so I told her, everything. Every detail she asked. Even about near misses. She held true and didn't get angry - but she did get even. With another officer stationed on camp here.<P>As I write this, and as I have reflected on my thoughts and motivations and weaknesses it seems very easy. Stop drinking and don't go to places where I will be tempted to pick up or be picked up. Easy enough - really. I rarely drink at home or even out, but when I do I can (but not always) quickly get out of hand and lose my moral compass as it is. But I am a social person, and to totally cut myself off from others would make me a miserable git (to use a British phrase).<P>What I want to know - is what really is causing me to stray. I love my wife, with all my heart, and her short affair cut me very deep - to the core. I am intensly jealous and know very suspicious. If the pain I felt was only part of what she has felt, I don't know how she handles it.<P>I have a lot more to say and other info about our situation that may lend some help as I try to self heal and change - I am committed to doing so. I have bought Dr. Harley's books along with others and plan to fix what is broken. But I will post that later. I just wanted to get some opinions on what it is I am - I haven't seen a story like mine on any of the boards.<P><P>------------------<BR>Committed

YOU ARE GOD'S GREATEST CREATURE AND GOD LOVES YOU HENCE HE SENT HIS ONLY SON TO DIE FOR YOU AND ME. SO YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE. CHANNEL YOUR ENERGIES INTO POSITIVE THINGS AND LEARN TO ACCEPT YOURSELF AND ALL THE HEARTACHES YOU HAVE CAUSED YOUR WIFE. BUT IMPORTANTLY JESUS LOVES YOU AND HE HAS FORGIVEN YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE

Welcome to MB. You will find lots of support here. You are doing all the right things. The book lays out some good strategies for reuniting woth your W. How does she feel? Is she on board with working on your marriage? Our thoughts are with you.<P>I don't know why you stray. My H says he does not know why he did either. I would ask yourself how it makes you feel and what you like about it and then you will find your answer. I think there are a few others here that can help you more with this answer.<P>Keep us posted.<P>acacia

You are a betrayed and betrayer, just like me, just like my H. You have a degree in infidelity from the school of hard knocks (although that sounds like a pun, it isn't ) This is serious buisness, and you can gave advice from both sides. I feel like an expert, but I wish I weren't! I bet you feel the same.<P>Keep your name as it is... if you look at my profile (click under the sunglasses) you will read my story... First sentence... "I have the dubious honor of being both beterayed and betrayer"...<P>You're doing okay... it's great you have the books, and the desire to repair your marriage... now hang around and read everything here...<P>You're in the right place! <BR>

I too welcome you <B>betrayer/ed</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>... as well as posts created by/for forum members.<P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>It will take a while to figure out where you are... read, post and reply... <P>Jim

You mentioned you were in the military. My first husband, who was in the Navy, confessed to having sex with over 20 women during out marriage. Those too were usually one night stands, prostitutes, etc. We divorced when he refused counseling and refused to stop. It is good you are here and trying to find help. I had a very short term affair on my second H (had sex with the guy twice) while I was separated from my H for about 4 months when I went back to school. I confessed, and my H couldn't forgive me. You are lucky you are getting a second chance with your wife, and are seeking help.<P>Being apart from your spouse, especially for the length of time required in the military, makes people quite vulnerable to affairs. The military is rampant with infidelity, from what I remember. What is strange is that they had a Navy Wives Support Group, but they didn't have a Navy Husband's Support Group. Guess that wasn't cool (?) <P>There are a number of suggestions I can make, based on my experience. You've already targeted a big contributor, and that is alcohol. However, the alcohol and women are only masking a deeper problem. I think you know that. Self-esteem issues are likely the culprit IMO. The women make you feel wanted and needed (?), even if it is only a brief period of time. You need to find more constructive ways to give and receive love that don't involve sex, because when your wife isn't there, she can't fill that need. It is hard, because you are most likely surrounded by a bunch of "tough" guys who might even have the same problems as you and don't feel comfortable talking about their feelings with one another. I also understand there is some stigma about getting therapy while in the military, because it goes on your "record". In the civilian world, no one at work has to know you are in counseling.

Thanks for the responses.<P>TheStudent. Thanks for your insights. I think I am learning to appreciate that there might be something deeper involved in why I strayed. As I read Dr. Harley's book and others I learn that while I am solely responsible for the actions I take, that I am not solely responsible for fulfilling my emotional needs in our marriage. I hope to be able to work with my W on discovering what is I a need and what she needs from me.<P>It is clear that I am not filling hers in many areas though I don't know what they are - you see, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings with me - or anybody, never has. She did finally find someone to talk to, both M, one is the OM and the other is an old friend who is deeply in love with her - ever since before high school. She discussed with both our problems - and I thought that was great because she finally had somebody to talk to, which everybody needs.<P>But then I suspected something was up with her and email, so I installed a capture program to find out. I was shocked. I knew that the M from the past was sending her weird messages - she told me so (but never let me read them - if she would have shown me, and we could have said together how weird he was it would have been no problem), but not as deep as he was. She said, and I believe her totally in this case, that she doesn't share the same feelings. But I still couldn't stand the thought of another man telling my W about how they share a "connection" that nobody, not even me, could understand. I asked her to stop talking to him, she did. But he kept on trying.<P>There is more to this story, but I use it to illustrate that I am obviously not filling her need for conversation.<P>I am eager to get to work on our M. But things will have to be on hold for a while. We are currently separated, not in the sense used here most often, but because we are in the midst of another move. She went back to the states three weeks ago. I am going home next week for a about 39 days. We have that long to come to an agreement on how to proceed. We are both committed to marriage, and with the exception when we are LBing each other, there is no talk of divorce or separation in the real sense. We are buying a house in our home town and are talking about the future. She is willing to read and look at the material I have recently bought. I just hope she goes into it with an eagerness to put it to work.<P>I said 39 days to put it together because I am off on another one year assignment without family, this time to Kuwait. I won't be tempted in the ways I was in Korea because of the strict Islamic laws, but I know if we don't start working on what is fundamentally wrong in our marriage we will still have problems. Question is, how do you work on couple problems when you are not togeter?<P>I know how much easier it is to cheat once you have done it once. I worry that while I am gone and she begins going to school again, that she will fill her void with another man.<P>I ramble, excuse me.<P>In response to your comment about this situation in the military. You are right that there are problems with infidelity in the military. You have seen them on TV. Adultery is crime in the military and punishable. While rarely is the act alone punished - because it is difficult to prove, actions surrounding the adultery are what get people in trouble. Sex with subordinates, using sex as a tool of power, lying on sworn statements etc. are what get people thrown out of the military. My wife and I went to counseling for a short time before she had to leave. A military counselor. It is now part of my official medical records, which can be searched by law enforcement officials investigating a crime. My W was concerned about this and didn't want to go because of it. But I insisted. I am more concerned that we fix our lives than of getting into trouble. The nature of my cheating did not meet any of what I described above so there will not be any investigators looking in my records. Thought I would share a little about the military culture with you.<P>Again, thanks for the comments and words of support and encouragement.<BR>

Hi there,<P>Yes, I was vaguely familiar with the therapy stuff in the military. One of my ex's problems is that he had sex with a midshipman (woman, person, whatever), and contracted herpes from her (or vice-versa, who knows). I think he could have gotten thrown out for having sex with a midshipman (?), especially if she wanted to bust him after he told her about his herpes. <P>I honestly don't know how people stay married in the military. It is hard enough in the civilian world. You have to practice extended periods of celibacy on a regular basis. It is approaching (1) year for me (celibacy that is). Maybe you should look into that, because, when your wife is not around and when you are not around you both need to find some other outlet for your sexual energy, so to speak.

My father was career navy, my father in law, career army. It is a rough road for a marriage. I will point out that you have an advantage, at least I think you do, that those of the 40's and 50's did not have. You have the internet. Could you set up your own private chat room and have a set time to talk daily? E-mails are surely possible. <P> Sometimes thoughts and feelings are more readily expressed this way. Look at all those people who fall in love with a person they've never met. How about making a plan to re-establish intimacy with your wife in this way? It might work and what is the risk? We had a mojor breakthrough when I wrote a 4 page letter, and we live together.<P>Anyway give it a thought and I wish you both the very best.