Hi friends, <P>I have been away for the weekend again. I am really confused, and just trying to "find myself".<P>I had a strange conversation with H today. Tell me if you think anything of it. H had kids overnight this weekend. Those of you that know me, know that I have fought this for a long time. Now I finally just gave up. Well, I decided to make plans and not be in the house, because I would be too upset. I went out , had a great time, and all.<P>H called today. Very friendly. He told me he was disappointed in the person I am becoming. He said I dress different, I act different, and I have a bad attitude towards things. Meaning, I have told him this too, I am tired of stressing myself out about things, if something happens or someone says something I don't like, I speak up. I have always tried to maintain the peace in most cases. This is mostly with H lately, but I do it with others as well. <P>He is upset that I am going out once a week on Saturday and staying out late. In most cases he has the kids. All but one, in the other case, the kids were here, but with my girlfriends mother. They were in bed when I left, and I was here when they woke up.<P>He said I was always a good mother, and still am. That I used to value family and now that he is gone, I seem to be off in my own little world. He is worried that I will attract the wrong type of man that will hurt me. He said that he still cares about me but doesn't want to see anything bad happen to me. He said it hurts a little, but he doesn't let it get to him because he is happy where he is (thanks for rubbing it in Rob).<P>He said he wasn't yelling, or scolding me in any way. He said that he cares about me and we will be friends forever. <P>Why would he say all this anyway? I mean, after what he has done to me, why would he even care who I become? Apparently I was not that great a person before, if he left me so easily, right? Yes, I dress different, some of it was I am very happy with myself right now, as far as I lost a lot of weight when I got depressed, and now I like to dress this way. Some of it, I am sure, is me acting out in some way.<P>I have been with him for 10 years. I am sick of being June Cleaver. I have a bad feeling towards marriage right now and I can't figure out who I am or what I want anymore. I do like going out with my friend, because we have a lot of fun. Its not about going out and being promiscuous, we just go out , play darts, pool and meet new people. Stuff I never did in my ealier years . (I am still only 27). I know I am a mom, but I am a woman too. With badly hurt feelings and in a lot of pain. I need to find happiness within myself too. <P>Its very easy for others looking in to say, well you have your kids, find joy in that. But right now, that is not enough for me. My H is living and sleeping with OW. He is having the time of his life at my expense. <P>I am just trying to survive right now.<P>I truly don't think my H genuinely cares about me, after what he has done to me over the past few months. So what is this concern? I almost wonder if he did it to mess with my head, because I was in tears, but didn't let him know that.<P>I am sure I will get a mixed response, but remember I am in enough pain right now, so be kind! Thank you! Dana<BR>

Hi Dana,<P> My take on the situation is he's not so sure about you being his safety net and it's really getting to him. He wants you back home pining away over him, he's trying to make you feel guilty for "changing".<BR> <BR>Continue to grow and become independent , you deserve happiness , just be careful with your boundaries. I think you are throwing him way off balance ....I say keep it up!!!LU

Remember when you were a teenager and there would be this boy that liked you a lot but you didn't really care about him? Then all of a sudden half the girls in your class had a crush on him. All of a sudden you saw him in a different light and had a crush on him too. You missed the attention he once gave you. It's a lot like that with adults too. He's wondering what he's missing out on now that your getting on with your life. Humm....maybe he jumped the gun. My attorney friend that deals with divorce said that the thing that worked best was a spouse that got on with their life. That was what made their spouse second guess their decision to leave. I have to say I agree with him. A spouse that gets on with their life (like your doing), has fun and has the "I don't need you attitude" draws the attention of the straying spouse MUCH faster then the bitter, nasty spouse or the begging "I can't live without you" spouse. He's second guessing himself. But, your right....you need to be a woman besides a mother. Good job!

Hey Dana,<P>Tryingto4give had a great analogy on teddy bear's post yesterday. You were H's toy, he put you away to play with another toy, and now that someone else might want to play with you, he wants his toy back. Typical early childhood behavior and, from what it seems, typical betrayer behavior.<P>Hmmm maybe there's a link, look at your youngest kids and how they act then you can see inside the minds of your spouse. Could be a research idea for anyone in the psyche field. LOL<P>Time to start living, June C. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Hi Dana,<P>Thank you for your kind words during my recovery(surgery not marriage)... <P>I see your H's words as being resentful and somewhat spiteful... very typical in mid-affair times.<P>I know you said you don't want to be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... but it sounds like that's where you'd like to be now. To cut down on his intruding into your life... and causing you to be more upset... why not start on it formally. Send the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter... and come to the forum for those genuine vent and help posts/replies.<P>You're here on the forum anyway...<BR>You show incredible compassion for others who come here too!<BR>Why not take that step (from Plan Survival to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>) and formalize it!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... definitley eases any transition toward a divorce.<P>My thanks for your concern...<BR>And my prayers are with you... <P>Jim

Hi friends , thank you all for your kind words. I was actually crying this morning. For the first time in a few weeks. Why? Because I felt guilty. Guilty for being happy, not missing H so much and getting on with life. Yes I still love H in a certain way. He has hurt me and I am in pain. I see that you all can see from the outside more clearly than I.<P>Also, I forgot to mention, he also said this. When he drops the kids off, OW has to sit in the car, well yesterday I walked right up to her and looked right at her, no dirty looks, we basically checked each other out. (she's cute I am sorry to say) Well, anyhow, H was surprised, then H and I stood inside talking a few minutes. H said the OW gets really mad that he leaves her out there for like 10 minutes. I told him sorry but she is not welcome in my home, be thankful she is in my driveway for that matter. He claims he told her that we have things to discuss on a daily basis and get used to it or he'll go live with his mom. He could be making this up. But he does call on a daily basis, and I know she gets angry. <P>He asked if I ask the kids what happens on their visits, and I said no. He said, well you must be curious, I don't care that you ask. I said "frankly Rob, I hear things I need not know!". Truly, my girls told me that OW doesn't iron for H, cooks sauce out of a can (opposed to Italian homemade , and she refuses to rub his back or feet. Apparently Rob told the girls some of this and my oldest confronted OW and she said I am not rubbing his back, he sweats at night, its gross. Now, strange enough this is true. SO I must laugh. <P>H also mentioned today in his dismay of my new behavior, that I was unwilling to try new things in the bedroom, which really is true in some aspects, it was his timing being off, waking me up in a sound sleep, or treating me like a slave while I cook and clean and he doesn't even clear the table or wash a dirty dish. I couldn't be a sex object for him after being his maid all day. But I have my moments, and even now, I am realizing that I have many needs he never met.<P>So why is he telling me all this? He has implied that we are "friends" lately a lot.<BR>I do enjoy talking to the old Rob always have. Today, when he told me this stuff, he was kind and compassionate, not in a way to hurt me, believe me now I know the difference. <P>I am glad that you guys "so far" don't think its horrible that I am changing. Rob said I am using all my freedom up all at once. Whatever that means, I have no clue. <P>Plan B, may be the way to go, but just not mentally ready for much else right now. <P>Jim, I truly wish, your recovery was also in marriage, and Sparky, I am going to search that post. <P>I realize I have been not posting lately, I just feel very dead emotionally at times, I am on a high and low and now I can't blame it on Rob, its my own feelings, so I have a hard time understanding. <P>Will be back soon! Dana<BR>

Sounds like you are doing great.<BR>Sounds like he is NOT having the time of his life after all!!!<BR>Enjoy your new look, your friends, your life. But, do be careful that you don;t leap into things too fast.<BR>Hang in there--<BR>KAthi

Sounds like similar conversations with my H. We will never be able to figure them out... I am sick of trying I guess.<P>I'm where you are. I have lost about 30lbs now and am starting to go out too. My H actually wants to "hook up" on the weekends. Dream on bozo! It's not going to happen again! <P>Be strong if you are happy. I envy you right now. <P>Hang in there. I had a low night too and am having a hard time staying awake due to lack of sleep!

Dana..............<BR>Did you get that book yet?<BR>What you are describing your husband doing is in there, and what you are experiencing is normal.<BR>have you looked into divorcecare support groups or anything like that?<BR>Get the book woman!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Cat, <P>Sorry, I misplaced the name of it, wrote it on my desk somewhere. Can you resend it please? I WILL get it tonite! Promise! Dana<BR>

Hey Dana<BR>It is called:<BR>Rebulding when your relationship ends by Bruce Fisher<P><BR>(and while some may think I am pushing a divorce book, much of it explains why we are at the point we are now, the feelings we are experiencing (both sides) and the typical reactions)<P>Dana if you do get it I would love to discuss it with you or anyone else who is reading it.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Dana,<BR>I am so happy to hear that you have come this far.....I am not quite there yet...or I have been there for a short time and stumbled backwards. Just keep forging forward. Just keep in your mind....somewhere back there what your true intentions were from the start. (the marriage builders stuff) I hope he is coming around....I really do. But I also hope that you haven't let go of him deep in your heart. I know they tell us too....let go! But I will never let the H I used to know go. He will hold that special place in my heart....always will. And if he came back....the man I used to know.....I hope that I can see him for that and get to know him all over again.<P>Nancy

Hiya, Dana, Sounds like your having a good time, I'm glad for you. Of course H is going to act this way, he's had you for so many years and you went and let him leave without giving him the He!! he deserves and now your out having fun and he's stuck with some dumb bunny that won't treat him like a king, why wouldn't he be a little upset. I'm not saying this is a movement towards reconcilliation, I'm saying that maybe he's opening his eyes and seeing things a little differently. Good for you! Hope you know I'm thinking about you, maybe we should meet for lunch next time I'm in your town or something! Anyhow, have fun, your doing wonderfully! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Dana -<P>I bought the book Cat is talking about but haven't started it yet. Let me know when you get it because our situations are really similar and it might help to talk about it.<P>I am also attending a Divorce Care group (starting last week) It is hard because it makes reality hit home, but I think it will help eventually.<P>Hang in here! I have backslid this week too! <P>My e-mail is: teddybear_12253@yahoo.com<P>TB

Dana,<BR>Way to go, have a good time and grow. Let him know that you can be happy with or without him. Make him wonder if he can be sure of you waiting forever for him . Do 180 on him, I think, more you became independent and happy, more he will be wondering about you and this will put negative "spin" on his relationship with OW. Don't let him manipulate you with guilt about being "bad mother", it is a cheap shot. So far you did all the worrying about your marriage, for change, let him start worry about you.<P>Have a good time and be happy, happy people attract happines.

I just typed a nice reply to each of you individually and got booted off. That happened twice today. SO this will be shorter. First off, teddybear, email me anytime at MrsDMBrown@mail.com. Second, Chick, we are ten minutes away, you email me too! And I'll send you my number. Sad Pete - r u new here? I haven't seen you around, unless I am losing it? Thanks for replying! And nancy how are you doing? I don't know the feelings I have anymore. I think the old ones are buried deep.<P>Let me tell you 2 more quick things. H called again this afternoon. Wanted to know why I was crying this AM. Guess I didn't fool him like I thought. He said he is much happier now that he and I don't fight, he was miserable when we fought. He is thinking about a job change, because he doesn't like his boss (I think they know what he did) , he said he might work somewhere other than an office, this was his first office job and he gave into the first piece of trash that came along. Thats my opinion, not his comment. But if he changes jobs, he and OW won't ride to work anymore. He also said, something again about staying with his mom if he had to. What ever does that mean. His mom lives an hour away, this started as convenience in the winter, developed more and now I don't know what? He loves to be treated like a king. Maybe he feels neglected? Could she be not meeting that need? Last he told me he wondered if I had a good day from crying earlier so thats why he called. What the he!! is going on now? I am very confused.<P>OK, next, I told you, I have had a few dates through this whole thing. Not to sound vein, but I had a nice figure before, but now that I lost those last "baby pounds" from last baby, I look awesome! I am loving life. I don't dress sleazy, but I dress like a woman and not the brownie mom, soccer mom, pta mom, etc. I still do all those things, and dress accordingly, but hey on the weekend, ya I show some cleavage, why not! <P>OK so I went on a few dates, I have been out with a few guys. SOme nice, some jerks. I have 2 other upcoming events. I don't go out LOOKING but I have been happy and like Pete said, happy attracts people. So I went out this weekend with someone new. <P>He is different than any man I have met before. I know, cliche, barf, shut up Dana your on the rebound. Please listen to me. He was a gentlemen. Yes he paid, yes he walked me to my car, didn't even ask for a kiss, was worried that walking me to my car was pushing it, we have talked a lot and he knows my situation. He knows that "IF" i find someone interesting, I am going to go slow. HE said I am a strong woman with good values. He said that he has never known anyone to have a woman do for his friends what I did for H, to that extent (treat him like a king, type) He said he couldn't believe in ten years, I never went to restaraunts, comedy clubs, etc, nothing. He asked to take me to plays in the summer, take me roller blading, and asked to take me to a concert tomorrow night. He keeps asking me to dinner, he said he is going to treat me like a queen and spoil me. The place he asked to take me to, I asked my girlfriend about, it is very prestigious. I didn't know what it was when he asked, so I bowed out. I am nervous about going even more now. When he emails me, he calls me beautiful. When we talk, he is so sweet. He asks me about Rob and how things are going . He told me not to worry that he is a nice guy and will treat me like a princess if I am ever ready to let him. He is a perfect gentlemen. I even told him I might not have sex unless I am divorced and remarrying. (OK this is a crock but I say it to weed out the one night stand jerks, let me tell ya, it works!). He asks about my kids, how they are handling this and admires that I take them to counseling. He just is very different than anyone I ever met. We met for the first time in person recently and it was fun. No awkward moments, we actually know a lot of the same people and stuff. One eerie thought, he has same bday as my H. Although, he invited me to his bday party with all his family and friends this weekend. I am way TOO CHICKEN to go! But I feel like I am floating when I talk to him. He has beautiful blue eyes and I think about him lately.<P>OK Back to reality friends. OK OK OK, is this why I have been so happy? Actually , no, I just opened up to him more this past weekend, before that was my own doing, pulling myself up and out of the funk.<P>Brings me to this, at times H says he thinks my heart is somewhere else. He can read me like a book. Is my heart somewhere else? Maybe a part of it, is straying. I don't feel it possible to truly love 2 people at once, so I am trying to fall out of love with H before I really get going and see how I like this new person. In the mean time, new person knows I talk to others and even date others. I hate to say it, but he is very understanding, patient and kind. Just teases me a little about it.<P>OK, input, observations, flames, congrats, you all tell me!<P>I am severly confused right now. I wish I could stop being confused. But at some point, it makes me feel alive, at others I talk to H and I feel dead. He has a way of getting to me, even when he is being nice.<P>Plus he thanked me for the bday gift from the kids. Each year I got him a hershey kiss at each holiday. It was my tradition. I did it this year too , kind of to rub in what he would miss. I know, its bad, I am sorry, but I did it! He has thanked me for things, 4 times in the past 2 weeks. HE never thanked me in ten years for anything.<P>Prayers to you all, off to answer some of your posts.<BR>

Hi Dana,<P>My h was doing this same sort of thing to me after he moved in with the ow. The second time he came to visit he started telling me what to do with my life. He told me I should go to college and this that and the other thing. <P>Now, he just came again to visit today and it was like old times which makes things incredibly hard! I guess I did a backslide now today! It was almost easier when he was being nasty to me. Today he was so nice and helped me fix things around the house, hugged me a couple of times, told me I look good and all this. So, of course I start thinking he wants to come back. Of course I am still going through with the divorce. I have to get on with things. Of course my husband tells me he is going to come back and visit the boys on Saturday. The funny thing about his visit today was that he showed up 20 minutes before the boys had to start school. I took them and dropped them off and came back home. H wanted me to help him with his child support papers. Then he wanted me to call my work place and let them know I would be late. We went for a drive and talked and it really was like old times. He made absolutely no mention of the ow. I don't know if you read my thread about a neighbor making a harrassing phone call but a neighbor did call me and ask me if I wanted to have casual sex. Well, my friend called the police and we reported it. But, I told my h about it. Then just as a joke, I asked him if he wanted to have casual sex. Then, he laughed and I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "You know I would." Well, I told him it was a joke and that I didn't need it. God how I wanted it though. He did say that it would just confuse the issue. Anyway, we spent two hours together, just the two of us this morning and it was nice. I didn't know he was coming either. He sent me an e-mail at 6:30 am telling me he was coming this morning, but my internet connection wasn't working so I didn't get it. He showed up on the doorstep and knocked. Then, he came back after the boys got out of school. He wanted to take them to the park. Well, when they were getting ready to leave he asked me if I was coming. So, I went. We were at the park for an hour and a half. He spent most of the time talking to me. I mean the majority of the time talking to me. We talked about fixing up the house to sell it. I had told him this morning that my oldest son doesn't want to move back to our home state. My h said it wouldn't bother him if we didn't move. He said he would like to have us close so that he could see the kids more often. He told me I could keep the house. I reminded him that I wouldn't be able to afford it. When we got back home from the park we went and rented a video game for him and the boys to play. He stayed for another hour and a half. Then he had to leave. You know, it was getting close to the time the ow was going to be getting off work. His trailer trash sweetie. I don't mean to offend anyone by that name but she is trash! Anyway, he left and then 10 minutes later he came back. He had said he was going to put air in my bike tires for me. He had forgotten to do it and he actually came back to do it. He has a little compressor he can hook up to his ciggarette lighter. So, he spent about another 20 minutes putting air in my tires and my son's bike tires. Then he reminded me he was going to come back on Saturday. It just feels so wierd. I am sorry to post all this on your thread. I am just saying I know how confusing they make it for us. I should make my own thread on this very subject! I guess you could say I did the perfect plan A today. I do have to say that I told him that I regretted not jumping at the chance to have sex with him. I can't help it. I do miss that. Is that awful???? We always had very good sex. I guess the reason I didn't go for it was because in a way, I felt like I would be lowering my standards. At the same time though, I wanted it. God help me!!! I guess I feel ok now though. Sorry about my rambling!<P>Dana, it does sound like you are doing great and I am so impressed with your strength! A lot of people keep telling me they are impressed with how strong I am. It is amazing what we can do in a crisis like this! I never knew I was so strong! Hang in there and keep your husband guessing! Take good care of yourself too!<P>~Woozy

I think it is always threatening when someone steps outside of thier traditional boundaries. Maybe your H was depending on your to sit home an pout and take care of all of the responsibilities he is trying so hard to leave behind. I guess he is surprised that you intend to have a life too. Good for you!<P>Can't believe you are only 27. You are wise beyond your years!!!<P>Acacia

Acacia,<P>Thank you for the compliment. My mom was very ill her whole life with mental illness. I had to basically raise myself since I was 7. I moved out when I was 16 due to dad's alcholism. Met H at 17. Had first child at 18, then 20, then 25. I bought my first house at 23, alone while me and H were split that one year, and he was only BF then. We only were married a little over 2 years.<P>Wisdom comes at a high price, I lost my childhood, my youth, my twenties, and my freedom. I have always been a hard worker and independent, but I am really tired of struggling my whole life. Some people my age are partying and just getting out of college and getting their first apartment.<P>I get depressed a lot at this life, thats why I am trying hard to walk away from H. HE has stolen 10 years of my life, and thrown them all away.<P>Enough rambling for me! Dana<BR>