<BR>Well, I had my appointment with my attorney this morning. It went well. I found out that my H did not file for anything and there is no court date. Not much of a surprise. <P>My attorney took all the usual details. I found out what the basic child support is in WV for 3 children on my H's income ($1030 monthly). We went over whether to go for a restraining order to keep OW away from my kids. He said that we will ask for restricted visitations and if that doesn't work then we'll go for the restraining order. We are asking for custody, child support, spousal support, utilities on the house, insurance for kids, restricted visitations, and some other small things to use to bargain with. I told him that I would not back down on the main things though. <P>All of this is gonna cost $1500 and we are asking for H to pay those fees, also. <P>I'm having mixed feelings about all of this. I felt really good when I left the lawyers office but now I almost wish I didn't do it. But it's the only way I'll be able to get money from him to take care of the kids. When I heard that he didn't file yet, I wanted to just say forget it and walk out. I know I need to protect myself and my kids though. <P>I have to go back Thursday and sign the papers, and they will try to serve H Friday morning.<P>Thanks for the prayers,<BR>Mitzi

I know that you are probably scared of it being a LB to your H. But now is not the time to think of someone who is not taking care of his kids! He needs to know that the kids must be taken care of and that never changes just because he has chosen a different direction in life! Do what you MUST do for your kids.

Mitzi,<P>This <B>NOT</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!<BR>This <B>NOT</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!<BR>This <B>NOT</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!<P>It really isn't...<P>Protecting you and your kids is of paramount imporatance!<P>Protecting any chance of loving/respecting your H in the future is also important! You <B>are</B> protecting your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for him... by taking this action.<P>I'm praying for you... a lot... <P>Jim

T24G,<BR>I'm really not scared of it being a love buster. I almost feel sorry for him. He doesn't realize the financial responsibility that he has to this family. It's like he's clueless! And he even supposedly talked to a lawyer!<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi<P>Jim,<P>No problem about the love buster. I do love him but I feel bad about having to do this to him. If he hadn't made it so difficult financially, I wouldn't have done it. <P>This divorce needs to be done. For my physical safety as well as my kids.<P>Thanks for the prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi-<P>As always, Jim is so on the money."Protecting any chance of loving/respecting your H in the future is also important! You are protecting your Love Bank for him... by taking this action."...is true but at first glance might seem hard to see or accept.<P>You need to protect your family that is for sure. Also be prepared for some behavior from your H that you may not have expected or anticipated. Remember...the fact that you have visited a legal professional and your H quickly understands that as he is being served the petition, will shake him. He will be soon to understand that you have not gone to your attorney for "Coaching" on how to build and save your marriage.<P>Understand that in the coming days. You may hear yourself saying after he is served, "I do not even know this person and the way he is acting and/or behaving" Self-care for you is important at this time as well as your children.<P>Take each step...one step at a time. Take each day...one day at a time.<P>mrrlk

mrrlk,<P>I'm afraid he'll want to come home once he gets served. Either that or he'll be VERY angry! I can't let him come home. Before I would even consider it, he would have to:<BR>(1)get rid of OW<BR>(2)stop drinking and go to alcohol counseling<BR>(3)Go to anger management counseling or classes<P>I don't even want to think about that now!<P>He honestly thinks I don't have the nerve to go thru with it. Sometimes I doubt myself but I keep thinking of my kids. I need to do this for them.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi<BR>

{{{{{{{MITZI}}}}}}}<P>Don't feel sorry for him. This is life. He chose to leave. He chose to have an affair and leave his kids. It is his financial responsibility. Please be strong here. You need to protect the children. I will only get $134 a week for 3 kids, so count your blessings!<P>Second, worse case scenario, he never ever comes back, you need the money. Next scenario, a few months into paying up the butt, and seeing what divorce REALLY is, he may want to come back. But most importantly, TAKE CARE OF YOU!!<P>IF you want to ever take him back, it will be up to you. I know the abuse was a problem, so I am concerned, but this is your life, and I am only here to support you in what ever you decide. <P>All I can say is give yourself a few days to process this, before you back down or anything, don't discuss with H what you and your lawyer discuss and take care of yourself. 2 weeks ago, I wanted to die. Today, well, you go read my post today and you tell me!! <P>Prayers are out to you tonite honey! Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>I can't say whether I would want him to come back or not. If he wanted to, it would definately be a long time before I let him, and he would have to prove himself first. I'm afraid that's what he'll want! And I'm afraid I won't be able to say no. I don't want to be beat on for the rest of my life. I've gotten used to the peace in my house.<P>I've noticed how much better you feel. I was feeling that way too, until I left the lawyers office. I think it's just setting in that my marriage will legally be over soon. I'll be ok though.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi~<BR>Just curious, is this action that your taking a custody action or the first step in divorce proceedings? I mean if it's the custody action with support proceedings those are generally dealt with in Family court and if it's a divorce proceeding that's dealt with in the Supreme court, but you can do both in a divorce proceeding. <BR>So, what I'm asking is, are you protecting your children? Because going for support isn't LOVEBUSTING at all, it's just protecting the children. Remember, the support is money for them, not for you, your not taking him to court to benefit you, just protect them and their rights.<BR>You are just being a good mom and I wouldn't worry about it at all! Sounds like your doing a good thing and I would put that into your head and don't let anyone say otherwise! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Mitzi,<P>Don't worry about lovebusting or not. I think that what you are feeling is guilt. Your focus should be on protecting the interests of yourself and your children.<P>Just do what you are doing. It is the right thing. Hugs to ya....

Chick's,<BR>This is actually for a divorce. There was too much violence during my marriage and the verbal abuse is continuing and he hasn't given me any money for almost 4 weeks now. In order for me to protect myself physically and financially, I need to divorce him. I know this is the best thing to do. <P>If there was no abuse, I wouldn't even think of divorcing him. I was abused for 10 1/2 yrs and I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi<P>NoTrust,<BR>You're right, it is guilt. I know that. I feel like there should have been something I could have done to save my marriage but I don't see things being any different if we did get back together. It would take a miracle for him to be a better person. <P>Thanks a bunch,<BR>Mitzi

Hey Mitzi,<P>Life is full of choices. This is your life. You must be accountable for yourself and your children.<P>I believe that most marriages can be salvaged and made stronger after the ordeal of an affair. <P>Abuse is a different story altogether.<P>Not telling you to D. Most abuse victims don't leave. You must protect yourself and kids.<P>Did he ever go after the children?<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim

Tim,<P>No he never hurt the kids, I couldn't even get him to correct them. I know in my heart that if he had hurt one of the boys I would have divorced him sooner. I could take all he could dish out, I am the adult. But hurting my kids is a different story!<P>And you're right, most victims don't leave. If he hadn't left, I'd still be with him. I wouldn't have divorced him for domestic violence. I wouldn't have divorced him at all.<P>I feel bad about this but I know in my heart that I'm doing the best thing for my kids!<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<BR>I remember those feeling like they were yesterday...when I filed. I cried so hard...the whole drive home was just a blur. This is when the anger in my stbx became very apparent. I also told him way too much. Please keep that info (attorney stuff) private from him. I would talk to my H and blow everything because he would find a way to weasel it our of me. I am much smarter now....but doesn't do much for the stupidity a while ago. He was always one step ahead...but dumb me never knew why.....DUH? Ok....yes I am blonde....but seriously, I told him everything because I was hoping it would make a difference...make him see how serious I was.<P>Big hugs to you....I know how hard it is. I signed my papers the same day. Just seeing my name and his....on divorce papers just tore me up. My life just kept passing before my eyes. My attorney kept saying....it will be alright.....you'll find someone else....I signed the papers but this attorney just kept saying I was attractive....he could have never loved you to do this to you...etc. I was so upset. He told me to think of my H as my worst enemy. I just couldn't....well now I see what he meant. He obviously didn't have great bedside manner....but now I really see.<P>You know that ole saying...Nice Guys Finish Last...well everyone kept telling to get tough...but nooooooo, I wanted to be a nice guy...I didn't care if I finished last. But you know my story....I am finishing laps behind him now.<P>By the way....hired a new attorney yesterday....a big shot so to speak. I really don't know if he can do anything....but I did walk out of there just a little lighter in my step and had a big smile on my face.....but it is so weird....I still don't want to hurt him. God, love is really blind<BR>Nancy

Nancy,<BR>I know exactly what you mean! I want to call H and tell him a little about it and give him the chance to give me money. I wasn't ready to do this just yet. I knew one day I would, but not this soon. <P>No I don't want to tell him details. I just want to tell him that the papers are waiting and he would get off easier if he just gave me the money. That it would be either the money now, or I would have to do it legally. Just to give him a chance.<P>My attorney is supposed to be a shark! He told me that H made a big mistake when he moved out and in with OW, and that he made an even bigger one when he quit giving me money. He said the Family Law Master in our area doesn't go too easy on men like that. He doesn't cut them too much slack. If I get the basic things I'm asking for, he'll end up paying out about $2,300 a month toward support for me and the kids. (support and bills and insurance). Plus fees and marital debt. (I may end up being responsible for half of the debt).<P>I know this is going to make him mad. I think maybe I won't answer his calls this weekend. Just let the kids answer them, and avoid him. <P>You take care Nancy. I hope your new attorney gets things turned around for you!!<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

{{{{Mitzi}}}}<P>I haven't had time to read all the responses on your thread, yet. I'll have to come back later because I'm really bushed right now.<P>Please keep yourself safe. Please stick to your decisions about the things that need to change before you would even <B>think</B> of allowing him back into your home. <B>Do not be a yo-yo</B> the way I have. If you are fearful <B>at all</B> about how he may react to being served, please go to another location for the weekend, or at least until he can calm down. <P><B>You are doing the right thing in protecting yourself and your children.</B>

Claire,<P>Thanks for the concern!<P>I don't have to worry about him hurting me. My family is aware of everything now. My brother lives on one side of me and my parents live on the opposite side 3 houses away. And I don't go anywhere on the weekends since he's in town then. I'll be ok.<P>He's either gonna be really mad or really hurt and shocked. I betting on him being mad.<P>Thanks a bunch,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi, just be prepared for the "How could you be such a cold-hearted b%&%**!" speech. I just love it when they turn it around that we are the bad guys and they have done nothing wrong. If that happens let him know firmly (if you decide to answer his questions at all) that "I am taking care of my families best interest, goodbye". And refuse further contact and let your lawywer know as soon as he starts to contact you. He may lash out in other ways to, to try to press those buttons. Before you REACT to his ACTIONS, REMEMBER that he is lashing out to hurt you, don't let him get to you and he will see that you mean business. Don't let him get you into any heated discussions or arguments because that is exactly what he is going to want. BE STRONG.

T24G,<P>I'm prepared for all of that and more. He is going to explode. Not because of the papers themselves, but because of the terms. If they serve him Friday morning, I'll be expecting him to call soon after to ask me what the hell my problem is! And why I'm asking for so much.<P>I've been a nervous wreck all day.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Mitzi