Hi everyone, My wife moved back in on Friday, it was very awkward at first and still is on occasions. She is very confused and is starting to realize what she has done. She came back with the intention on working on the marriage but she wants to wait a couple of weeks before we start counseling, because she wants to make sure she is making the right decision. I guess i won't pressure her into it cause she has to be ready to commit 100% on working on this relationship. She has told me she has stopped all contact with OM and he told her he would stay away. She is so depressed and i'm not sure what to do at this stage. Any suggestions? I want to get her to fill out the emotional needs questionaire but don't want to pressure her into it. I suggested we use the Harleys for counseling and she didn't like the idea of phone counseling and that it was expensive compared to counseling around here. <P>Positive things- she's back, we are sleeping in the same bed, and we are talking a little.<P>Setbacks- her lack of hope(keeps saying i know you have hope for our future but we need to plan for the worst), no touching at all(she has a pillow in between us), counseling should start now<P>How should i handle this, i don't want to scare her off but i don't want to get back into not dealing with our problems, she is going through a lot right now and i understand that but how do i help her get through it and stay with us.<P>Derek

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dhorne:<BR><B>Hi everyone, My wife moved back in on Friday, it was very awkward at first and still is on occasions. She is very confused and is starting to realize what she has done. She came back with the intention on working on the marriage but she wants to wait a couple of weeks before we start counseling, because she wants to make sure she is making the right decision. I guess i won't pressure her into it cause she has to be ready to commit 100% on working on this relationship. She has told me she has stopped all contact with OM and he told her he would stay away. She is so depressed and i'm not sure what to do at this stage. Any suggestions? I want to get her to fill out the emotional needs questionaire but don't want to pressure her into it. I suggested we use the Harleys for counseling and she didn't like the idea of phone counseling and that it was expensive compared to counseling around here. <P>Positive things- she's back, we are sleeping in the same bed, and we are talking a little.<P>Setbacks- her lack of hope(keeps saying i know you have hope for our future but we need to plan for the worst), no touching at all(she has a pillow in between us), counseling should start now<P>How should i handle this, i don't want to scare her off but i don't want to get back into not dealing with our problems, she is going through a lot right now and i understand that but how do i help her get through it and stay with us.<P>Derek</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Just support her and no Love Buster's. She is in for a very tough time, with depression and withdrawl. Do all you can to meet her needs now. We are going through withdrawl now as well, but we have received several books, you might try to get through these tough times. His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving An Affair, it addresses of a lot of what you are dealing with now. <P>A lot of people here will support you, so whenever you want post and people will respond.<P>Best of wishes.<BR>

Bighope,<BR>maybe you should read this <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001192.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001192.html</A> <P>sorry dhorne for stepping on your thread.<P>I'm not sure what to do, mine is similar/ W just agreed to no contact but we are separated. I would say, just let her set the pace, be as loving as possible, bite your tongue when you need to, try to meet every need she will let you meet. Odds are there won't be many at first until you show her that she can trust you to not LB.<P>Easier said than done, I know that. Lord, do I know that. But it is what you and I both have to do, my friend.<P>Give her space and she'll hopefully share it with you soon. <P><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Hi Derek. I haven't been here as much as I used to but I'm quite happy to read your post.<BR>Be patient, and honest, without lovebusting.<BR>As you say she's probably only now realising what happened and what she has done, the rest will come in time.<BR>It is normal that she feels reticent and doubtfull. It is, and was, a painfull time for both of you.<BR>Remember that all the feelings that she was suppressing while the affair was on, will be resurfacing now, along with guilt, fear that the damage she did to your marriage was too big, worried that it might not work, and many other things.<BR>Counselling might help, but don't expect too much or too quickly, o.k.? If you have a change explain that to her too one of the things my H was expecting was too get into the office with the counselor and magically everything will be alright from them on! )<BR>WIsh you guys a good recovery.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

I would give her time. Also maybe going to counceling does not have to be a full commitment. Maybe you can ask her to try it for a few sessions.<P>Acacai

Thanks everybody, i am going to give her time but i am going to ask her to fill out the questionare. Last night she was talking about some negative things about her job so maybe she will leave it time will tell. I want her to read but i know i can't force her she is going to have to want to do it. I really think the information in those books would help her understand what she is going through but i have to be patient. Some conversations are occuring but sometimes it is like pulling teeth just to get her to talk about anything. I know i'm ready to start rebuilding and she's not but she is on the right path.<P>Derek