My husband and I have been married 14 years and have known each other for almost 19. We love and respect each other. The main problem is his desire to have increasingly dventorous sex. I always thought I was passionate in every way, but since the birth of our 1st child six years ago, my sexual desires have lessened. Our two children are two years<BR>apart and for about 4 years, I didn't get much sleep (about 4 hrs a night). The urthest thing from my mind was to have my husband wake me up at night for sex. Sleep is not a problem anymore, but my body image is now an issue for me. I feel fat and ugly. On top of all this, my husband started searching for women on the internet to fulfill his sexual desires. He now meets women for sex. He has done this a few times in the past with my full knowledge. I didn't think too much about it, feeling that it was just a one night stand and an occasional thing - I was confident with our relationship. Now these "meetings" are becoming more frequent. I know my lack of sexual desire has spurred these meetings. I am trying to rectify this issue by finding babysitters one night a week so we can be alone, and trying to "loosen up" my feelings concerning my physical attractiveness (I work out 5-6 times a week and am in excellent health, but I'm still 30 pounds overweight). There is a weekend meeting the end of April that he has wanted to attend for over a year now. We were going<BR>to attend together and even make it a visiting vacation with my parents, but the weekend falls on Orthodox Easter, a very important event for me (I attend Church weekly with the kids, he does not). Now he has posted an ad on the personals page and has found someone to go with him. I sought advice from my Priest, got his blessing and now want to attend this event with him, but now he says he already made the commitment with this woman, but maybe the 3 of us can go (another active fantasy of his). Since we have been discussing our problems over the last week, the subject of having 2 women is a major topic for him, and he wants me to be a part of it also. I have searched my soul trying to see if I can go through with this bisexual fantasy of his, and I just can't! I don't want to do it and I don't want to lose my marriage over this. I guess the main issues for both of us are:<P>His: sexual boredom, sexual freedom<BR>Mine: body image,desirability<BR> <BR>Should I go ahead and engage in his fantasies, or follow the moral teachings of the Church? I know I will be forgiven, but should I willingly let him lead me into sin?<P>

He meets women for sex, and you are Ok with that? No wonder you do not feel attractive and loved...<P>You are a considering being part of a threesome to make him happy? <P>Your H has little concern for you or your feelings, and is, apparently, interested in only what he feels between his legs.<P>I think you consider counseling for yourself, whether he will go or not.

actually, we spoke about our sexual desires before and of my lack of sexual desire. I have basically failed him sexually for the last 5 years. Now I am trying to get that spark back and he is really appreciative, but he feels if he trys to submerge his sexual desires, and our relationship fails again in a few years, he will be too old (or dead) to be able to fulfill this desire.

You might be interested in this thread...some similar issues<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/001091.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/001091.html</A>

I just read it. Thank you! That has been a burning issue for me. I will tell my H that I do not feel comfortable about bringing another person into the relationship, because in my heart, I know that is the right thing to do.<BR>Another issue is religion. He has wanted me to take the kids to the Baptist Church on alternate weeks, instead of my Church every week. I have always said that I am not Baptist, but if he wants to take them to the Baptist Church, we could all go as a family. The discussion has always ended there. How can I get him to accept God in his heart again. I've prayed about this for a long time now and haven't gotten an answer. He attends some events in my Church, and believes in God, but that's as far as it goes. I am very involved with my Church (choir director, parish council secretary) and I think that bothers him too. He feels he has been replaced with the church.

I couldn't do it. Once was enough for me, but a man who repeatedly treats me with that little respect. Nope I don't think I could do it. <P>My husband pushed real hard on the threesome fantasy for awhile too. I think he wanted his ego stroked. His vision was two woman gawking at him. What man wouldn't want that. I don't think he would have been as open minded with two men gawking at me. Personally, I don't want to share. Call me selfish but that's the way I feel.<P>I'd insist on going, and then I'd persuade him to stop seeking his sexual gratification in that manner. That's me. You'd probably see a whole lot of lovebusting on that one. Honesty, is the best policy here. If this is bothering you then tell him that. (It would bother me.) Try to tell him how you feel without resorting to anger, disrespectful judgements, criticism, the like.

Uh, may I ask a question?<P>How does this guy reconcile his Baptist teachings with cheating on his wife with one-night stands and wanting bisexual threesomes?<P>What is it with Baptist guys and threesomes, anyway? I may be a heathen pagan Jew, but I don't think it says anything in the New Testament about Thou Shalt Cleave To Thy Husband And Have Sex With Women In His Presence.<P>Sheesh. Maybe someone can enlighten me, but it seems a lot of good churchgoin' men are, well, more than just garden-variety kinky. Is it that repression/sin thang?<P>The way to deal with sexual boredom is for the COUPLE to work it out.<P>Toots, I'm about as overweight as you were, but I'm lucky -- my H never wanted a threesome. He too was bored, but he TOLD me so. Something he said to me might be of use to you: "Why punish ME because YOU feel bad about your weight?"<P>And that was the end of the boredom. Because he was right, and it helped me to here him say, however obliquely, that while I might not be happy with my weight, he had no problem with it.

Now that's the biggest eye opener and what I needed to hear! He told me last night that he feels that I am attractive and does not have an issue with my weight - he could lose the same amount of weight as well, but men seem to get away with it more so than women. My H has basically said the same thing to me about punishing him for my issues with weight. I guess I just need to let it go and feel good about myself for what I have.<P>I too do not understand these men that were raised Baptist! He has told me how much he hates his religion - that he would go to hell for drinking, smoking, sex, dancing, etc. He grew up feeling that God hated him and he hated going to Church. It's funny, I was raised feeling the complete opposite - God loves me and I loved being in Church. So why does he want me to expose the children to a Faith he doesn't practice, much less feel good about!! It makes no sense to me!

Beth,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>His vision was two women gawking at him. What man wouldn't want that?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ummm.... well, I wouldn't. Maybe I'm in the minority among XY types, but I always figured: one boy, one girl. Besides the moral aspects of it, it's more practical. It's tough enough to make <B>one</B> woman happy, ya know? <p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited March 08, 2000).]