I am very much in love with a married man and the feeling is mutual. We have been having an affair for 10 months. I have tried unsuccessfully to end the affair 4 times but each time, he calls me in tears telling me how much he misses me. I have sent him articles about how to revive the love and passion in his marriage, I have begged him to seek counseling, I have suggested ways to bring some of the love and passion we share into his own home but nothing seems to work. He says he is crazy in love with me and is not at all in love with his wife but that she is a decent woman and the mother of his children. He wants out but at the same time cannot bear the guilt or feeling of abandoning his children. Is there anything I can do to help him let go? I love him soooo much that I will support his decision to stay with her or leave. I just am at a loss about what to do to make it go one way or the other. HELP! My spiritual life is almost non-existent as I feel SO seperated from God due to my adultery. My prayer life has also become non-existent lately. I'm a mess. Any suggestions?

You can either end it now...or drag it out, waste your life, and drive yourself crazy.<P>There really is no magical solution...you just have to let go, allow him to let go...suffer through the withdrawal (which sucks, by the way) and move on.

Azhootie,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders, where we are all working on saving marriages.<P>If you want to end your affair then do so. No contact again, if he calls don't talk to him, refuse to see him.<P>I will say it took courage for you to come here, but at the same time I must warn you that no one will tiptoe around the issues with you. <P>You KNOW what you are doing is wrong, yet you continue. What means more to you ? Pleasing God or pleasing this man. <P>You say you love this man, well so does his wife, and she has loved him longer and been through more with him than you can imagine.]<P>He can not and will not work on his marriage with you in the picture. That is what you must understand. <P>Let me ask you something, if this man were your husband and was having an affair on you how would you feel ? I can tell you because I have been there more than once, it is like someone just kicks your world out from under you. There is no pain like that, and I'm sorry to say you are helping to cause another woman that type of pain.<P>If you want to do the right thing close the door to this man and never open it again whether he leaves his wife or not, because I tell you if he cheats with you evientually he will cheat on you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Guess I'll take a crack at this one. Just kidding, you are welcome here, we just don't get many OP's here, especially those with a conscious.<P>NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT.<P>You are not the one who should be supporting his decision. You should not be influencing his decision. You should not be doing anything to make it go one way or the other. Just walk away. You'll save yourself some heartache down the line and could save an entire family the pain of divorce. <P>Be strong. Post here and we'll help, I promise. No phone call, no cards, no emails, no meetings, nothing but nothing will suffice.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Azhootie:<P>I'm kind of at a loss as to what to say, however, I read your post, decided not to reply, but then for some reason, keep coming back to it.<P>I'm on the betrayed side. I just found out about my H's affair, well, it'll be one month on the 20th. The OW decided to send me a note pretending to be her H to "inform" me of what's been going on. I thought it was pretty sick.<P>This may sound harsh, and I apologize first, however, you have no right to contact his W. It's up to him as to whether or not he wants to reveal his affair with you.<P>If you are serious about letting go, you just need to. He is married. Obviously, he is not planning on leaving his W for you. He doesn't "think" he loves his W, and that's stemming from the relationship with you.<P>DO NOT accept his phone calls. DO NOT see him. DO NOT call him. DO NOT go see him. I know it's easier said than done, however, if you feel so strongly about this, you need to get on with your life and find a man who is able to give you everything you need. A man who is not married and able to give what this man can not. <P>I'm sorry that there's not more kinder words, however, you need to move on with your life. Re-establish your spiritual relationship and with God. Gain strength in yourself. <P>I'm not sure you'll find too much in the way of support for your situation, and especially if it continues, but we are all here for one another. You will get excellent advice from the "experts" here. There are betrayed as well as betrayers here. Maybe you can gain some insight on what happens on the other side of these relationships.<P>Good luck with your situation. Thoughts and prayers go out to you. --purplemag<BR>

Oh my God! I thought you were my H's OW for a minute there. The circumstances are almost identical. I am having a panic attack here!!!! I am serious, I almost fell out of my chair. Thankfully, you are not her. I don't want her here...this is my safe place. My advice is to quit the affair. Find someone UNmarried to have a life with. I really don't understand women like you!!! I'm sorry if I upset you going off like this, but it just hits too close to home for me.

<BR> I read the ltr from him you posted on another thread, and also for a moment thought you were my H's OW!!! Shows that they all talk alike doesn't it?<P> I am sorry for your pain. I will pray that you have the strength you need right now, and that your lover find the clarity and strength he needs.<P> Kathi<BR> <BR>

Thank you all for your responses......no need to apologize for sounding "harsh". I certainly know what i have done is wrong and can understand the hurt and pain that this can cause. <P>Deb - my x-husband DID have an affair and I did feel awful and ended up divorcing him so I do understand the pain and betrayal. Trust me, I beat myself up all the time over this. <P>Sparkydog - Thank you for reaffirming what I already knew deep down. I really try to be strong and say no contact but then he calls me and the sound of his voice just melts me. I'm such a mess. (<P>Purplemag - Thanks for your candid feelings. He does think about leaving his wife.....but I've told him he needs to leave her because he would do so whether or not I was in the picture. He has never been in love with her and his marriage was in the toilet long before I was in the picture. He showed me a letter his wife wrote to him before I ever knew him and it was very apparent that they are not in love. To her credit she was trying to call a truce to what she called a "several month freeze" and said she hoped they could find "friendship" again. Sometimes she calls when we are together and you should hear the conversations....it sounds like 2 business people talking......they NEVER say "I love you" when they hang up. It's really rather sad. I am NOT trying to justify my behavior, just really trying to give you some background on how I fell into this mess. <P>*NOTE* He called me earlier and I was out of the office so he left me a v/m. He just called again to ask if I got his message because I didn't call him back. I told him that I wouldn't call him back and that I couldn't talk to him now either. WILL IT EVER GET EASIER???? <P>Thanks to the others for your replies too. I need to get away from the office...the sound of his voice just started the tears again. <P>God bless you all....

Azhootie,<P>You have to be stronger than that, girl. As soon as you hear his voice hang up. You've told him no contact now live by it. Don't keep him hanging on by talking to him, it will only serve to make him want you more.<P>Will it get easier? I suppose, but I would bet it will get harder first. Just keep posting and talking to us, not him. <P>Just read your post and some responses on the other forum. Seriously, no contact has to be no contact. You've told him this and you do need to be rude and just hang up when he calls. Not to be mean but to get the point across to him.<BR>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited February 18, 2000).]

azhootie:<P>Regardless of how much the other man loves you or you love him, you both have to let go. I am a betrayer. I had an online emotional affair that lasted six months and culminated in a weekend physical affair. The POWER that the relationship with this other man had over me was incredible. I couldn't eat, sleep, etc...all I thought about was this OM. Like you, I had made a few weak attempts to end the affair and to help him return to his wife (divorce papers were already filed when I began "seeing" this man), but OM kept begging and telling me how much he loved me and how much he needed me. Finally, I came to the conclusion that no matter how frustrating, I had to end the affair. I e-mailed the OM. I was clear and concise. I told him that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. I explained to him the measures that I was taking to stay away from him, etc. I changed my e-mail address, and blocked his address on my new e-mail address...just in case he found me. I changed my phone number. In other words, I RAN and I RAN FAST...and, I didn't look back. I haven't seen or spoken to him since then...almost a year ago. I'm not struggling with not seeing him. Right now, I'm just struggling with the guilt of the affair.<P>Now that I've rambled , all I meant to say in a nutshell was RUN, azhootie, RUN...and never look back. Yep...it's gonna hurt, but you'll be alright.<P>Love,<P>Jill

Hi Azhootie,<P> Everyone is giving you good advice...one thing I would like to point out is don't be so sure about the wife.My H probably wrote those exact words to the OW(I read the letter he sent you on "Not all OP's are trash" thread.) I'm sure I also sounded "business -like in conversations with my H...be aware that the OM will tell you ANYTHING. A letter by the wife "ending a freeze" can mean alot of things.<BR> <BR> What I am trying to say is he will keep calling and won't give you up (if he can have both) but don't assume there aren't any feelings for the wife(and vice versa)..... The OW in my H's case was shocked that I truly loved him (a completely different story from what H told her)..... Stay strong ,no contact because you will get hurt BAD....my H came back to us and left the "love of his life"...she is left with not much more than a bad reputation.... LU<P>PS. I hope I don't sound harsh, you sound like a decent person and nothing good can come out of continued contact.<p>[This message has been edited by Lu (edited February 18, 2000).]

Sparkydog ~ I am trying to be soooo strong but the pain is almost unbearable. I have done little more than sit in my office and fight tears all day. I feel like I could just curl up and die. Thank you for your encouragement! I will try to do better the next time he calls.<P>Jill, how long did it take you to get over this? I've read anywhere from 3 weeks to a year...even if it's 3 weeks, that seems like an eternity to feel this way. I can't stop the tears....and I'm at work for crying out loud!!! I'm trying to run, unfortunately, I keep looking back and my run seems to turn more into a slow walk. Thanks for your words! Greatly appreciated.<P>Lu - nah, you don't sound harsh and if you did, I wouldn't blame you. I hate myself for what I have been doing. I am not kidding myself.........I know that there is love between them, they've been married 13 years....but it's more like a friendship kind of a love. I won't get into a debate about whether or not there are two different sides of the story here.....but as an example, if I had just been out of town for 2 weeks (as he has) I would rush right home to my family the minute I stepped off the plane. He, on the other hand, went straight to the office - where he is M-F from about 6 am to 7pm because he doesn't want to go home to her. That's where he left me the v/m that I mentioned earlier and it wasn't until after 5pm that he was on his way home which is when he called the 2nd time. Again, I don't want to argue about what is true and not true....regardless of WHAT is going on in their lives, they are still married, I am still an adultress and I am still in excruciating pain and deeply sorry for MANY reasons for ever getting into this in the first place. Appreciate your honesty and insight. <P>I am grateful for all the responses and understanding.

Hi again, AZ,<P>I read your reply on my very long thread, and I appreciate it very much. Glad that I can help!<P>I'm gonna echo Lu on what the H says to the OW... remember on my thread how my H told the OW that I hated him?? I don't... I never have... he said what she needed to hear, and she heard what she wanted to hear. I wasn't there, so I don't know exactly what was said, but let's face it, we say what we want people to know! Again, I agree with Lu when she says to not be so sure what his W thinks of him and the marriage... for all you know, she may be at home crying her eyes out, knowing that *something* is wrong, but doesn't know what exactly (but chances are she has an idea!). <P>Finally, I'm gonna send a little scare vibe out to you... when I was the OW, the one thing that stopped me dead in my tracks was when the SO of my OM contacted me to tell me to leave her H, her, and her family alone... hadn't I ruined enough lives... and she called me a whore and a homewrecker... yeah, it stung, it scared me, and it shook me to my foundation... and it halted the chance of the affair beginning again. Don't wait for that to happen to you. You know what is right, you are ending it. Remember that thing we heard in High School: If you love something set it free??? Let him free to make decisions without you, because as long as you're in the picture, he won't make a decision... they never do.<P>Again, best wishes... this is brand new to you, and it is expected that you will go through a kind of hell that only we, as OP understand. But you're doing the right thing. As much as it hurts!!

AZhootie,<P>Welcome to the marriage builders forum. I think you have courage to come here and share your story with us. <P>I am really not thinking well today, I did read all the replies and I may be repeating some of what has been said,if so I appologize. I think a lot of us on here tend to think along the same lines on so much that sometimes, we all sound alike!<P>Please walk away. If you want to read heartache, read Kimbers thread "I married my affair partner". This will show you what kind of life you will be in for.<P>Married men will say things to the other woman about their wife. It is not always true. In many cases, the wife has no clue there is trouble in her marriage. I say this because I am a betrayed wife. Your relationship may be fun and loving now, but it will not last. The man you are involved with is "spoken for". Please respect that. Please respect that his wife has given him children, and a home, and a family. In the process, she may have become different than the woman he married, because of the kids, we all do. He is married. Let him stay married. <P>If he is unhappy, and he leaves his wife, and a year down the road you bump into each other, than fine. But don't waste your time getting involved in heart ache. I know you think you love him, but what do you think will happen here? If he leaves his wife and kids for you, he will leave you just the same. If he leaves them for you, you will never be as good as his wife, he may expect a lot out of you for what he gave up and you will be insecure about the contact he has with her. Let him be and find someone who is going to love you one hundred percent. <P>You don't want to be "the other woman". The "homewrecker". The "lover". You deserve better yourself. You sound like you have seriously thought this out. I admire you for that. <P>You can walk away. You can do it. You can find someone that will treat you much better. Just remember what you give out in this world comes back to you ten times harder. If you split up a marriage, you might get it back much worse. Let me know if you read Kimber's thread. <P>Prayers and admiration are with you for your honesty to share this .<BR>Dana<BR>

NB ~ Thank you once again for posting back. You continue to be a great help. Thankfully she is oblivious to our affair. I pray it stays that way. I wouldn't want her to endure the pain. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy....let alone someone who is an innocent bystander in this. It's funny that I think of this as "losing him" because he really never was mine in the first place. I pray this "hell" doesn't last long. I'm not coping very well. I did hear a song today that really made me break down and cry and made me realize just how I have strayed so far from God....it said "hold me Jesus, cuz I'm shaking like a leaf, you have been King of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace" and I was shaking so hard I couldn't even sing. What do they say? When you play, you pay. I know now what that fully means. Have a good night. I am going to bed to bury my face in my pillow and grieve. Take care and thank you. <P>Dana - Thank you so much for your honesty. I did read Kimbers thread and it is what friends have told me all along. They said to me "if he does leave his wife for you, what have you gained? only a man who cheats on his wife. Do you really want that?" of course I said "no" but deep down I was crying out "yes, yes, yes" thinking it would be different if he was with me. But you're right....it probably wouldn't stay the same once the newness and novelty wore off. <P>I sound awfully confident and strong right now but I tell you, the minute I start thinking about it, I break down into tears. I am trying to respect his marriage by ending it today...it just makes it especially hard when he's the one calling me. I did tell him (again) that I wouldn't take his calls *patting self on back* but the difficulty I had in doing that was almost unimaginable. <P>Thank you for your prayers and your honest feedback. I already knew I was in the wrong but it helps having it affirmed here. <P>G'night and God Bless.

azhootie:<P>During the time period that my affair was taking place, and in the time period when I was working towards ending the affair my prayer life suffered, my relationship with God suffered. My advice is: Pray. God's still listening. Tell Him you're sorry for what's happened. Talk to Him about the anguish that you feel. Talk to Him like you're talking to all of us. I know that's why I cried when I spent the one weekend with the OM...God was trying so hard to speak to my heart and tell me to go home to my husband and to run home to Him...I ignored Him, and look what happened...<P>Run, run, run...pray, pray, pray...<P>I'll say a special prayer for you tonight.<P>Love,<P>Jill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Thankfully she is oblivious to our affair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I doubt very much if she is oblivious to it. She is most likely "playing dumb" to herself, because as most of us here felt, "my husband/wife could <B>NEVER</B> do something like this!" even with plenty of the facts staring you in the face. I also doubt very much if he was telling you the truth about everything he may have told you. He would lie to his Wife, why in the world wouldn't he lie to you?<P>(Hope this doesn't sound to harsh. It's not meant to be)<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited February 19, 2000).]

Dear A,<BR>I had to respond to your plea because like many here I feel you symbolize all OW's in our H's lives.I cried when I read your story and about your love for this man.The OW in my H's live has also declared her love for him.<BR>I try my best to empathize with you as I also try and view things from Ow's perspective,yet you yourself have tasted the bitter taste of betrayal as you mentioned you were betrayed by your 1 st husband.You must know about the pain and anguish it has caused.You deserve better than a man who will only accommodate you as he pleases,who can summon you when it fits his time.My advice to you is to let go of this man who is in the midst of his own turmoil ,it does not concern you whether there is or is not love in their marriage.That is their business and you can never trust a man who is having an affair. He is lying on all fronts,to his wife,to you and to himself.Believe me, you will survive the pangs of withdrawal and you will find yourself eventually liberated from this triangle of Hell.Let him go.

Dear A,<BR>I had to respond to your posts because I like many here feel you symbolize all the OW's in our H's Lives.<BR>Despite the love you feel for this man,you must remember that he is lying on all fronts,to his wife,to you and to himself.No relationship can strive with all this deception.Even if you try and justify it by saying their marriage is loveless,he hasn't left her and most probably will not.You do not have to be the scapegoat for whatever insecurities and turmoils he is going through as he passes through a rough stage in his marriage.I urge you to run,flee,close the door and you shall soon feel liberated from this triangle of hell you are in.You deserve better than a man who will only accommodate you as he wishes.

I want to reiterate what Chris has said, and what I said originally, AZ...<P>Sweetie, whether you realize it or not, his W <B>probably does know</B>, if only in her heart right now. You've been with this man, and you feel you know him well, right? She's <B>lived with him, bore his children, cried at births and deaths with him, taken him to the doctor and nursed him back to health when he's been ill, and lot's of other things...</B>. Dearheart, you haven't been a wife yet to this man, and I don't know if you have been to anyone, but a wife <B>knows</B> things. My H had four affairs of differing intensity and duration, and I knew about <B>every</B> one before he told me. I hung onto the pain of 3 of those affairs for 13 years because I <B>knew</B> that he hadn't told me the truth about them... and lo and behold, when I had an affair, the truth of his prior affairs came out... I <B>knew</B>...<P>Don't be so quick to discount the wife... trust me on this one... be afraid of her, she can ruin your life more than it is now... honey, <B>trust me</B>... I know what I'm talking about, from <B>both</B> sides!<P>