Sorry this is kind of long, I really wish I would have found this site back in August.<P>Here goes, my H and I have been together for 7 yrs. and married for 3 1/2. He's had 4 affairs since we've been married and up until now they have never been emotional ones.<BR>In August I asked him to move out because he had no job and wasn't being a responsible father (we have a 2 yr. old). He asked me several times if he could come home but he still hadn't gotten his act together.<BR>In Feb. he moved back home, but he had been with someone else. He told me he was over her and I believed him.<BR>His friend moved back into town about a week or two ago, and everythings gone downhill since.<BR>He didn't want to spend time with me or his son anymore, and I was very upset. I checked his voicemail one day and she was on it. He found out and said he couldn't trust me and I'm a liar so it's over.<BR>Now he's moving in with her at the end of the month and says he's in love with her and she makes him truly happy. He told me I need to go out and find someone who will make me happy. He also said it's my fault that all this is happening. <BR>I love my H and I don't want this to happen. I've tried plan A with no success. He's set his mind on moving out and being with her.<BR>I keep saying if I would have never kicked him out this wouldn't be happening.<BR>We are young, we got married when I was almost 19 and he was 21. Now I'm 22 and he's 24. <BR>I am so lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I cry all the time. Thankfully my boss gives me the space and understanding at <BR>work.<BR>I guess I need some help moving on or winning him back. I don't think he's ever going to come back to me though. Can anyone please give me some advice? <BR>I've prayed and prayed and I'm losing hope and faith. <BR>Please help me, thank you.<BR>

Welcome <B>broken_heart</B>...<P>This is a very good site to be at...<BR>...you're are very welcomed here!<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Do read the welcome post...<P>About your specifics...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>His friend moved back into town about a week or two ago, and everythings gone downhill since.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...don't let him blame you for <B>his</B> weakness... towards the <B>addiction</B> of his affair.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He found out and said he couldn't trust me and I'm a liar so it's over.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... is an all too common occurance in affairs... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... the 'bible' for the infidelity forum)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He told me I need to go out and find someone who will make me happy. He also said it's my fault that all this is happening.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... all too real example of guilt and throwing off responsibility of the affair and it's consequences.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He's set his mind on moving out and being with her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... now you know you can't hold him back... it just doesn't work that way.<P>When he left the first time... you were most likely (unaware of it but) doing a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... maybe too early maybe not...<P>Marrying early is <B>not</B> always a mistake....<BR>Marrying when not mature enough... might be.<P>We know your pain...<BR>The 2 plans we recommend are simple in concept... but quite hard to carry out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Read up on them...<BR>Read the posts...<BR>Evaluate where you real want to be...<BR>See if Plan A or Plan B is where you fit best!<BR>and <B>ask questions</B>... post!<P>Above all else...<BR><B>never stop praying...<BR>never lose hope...<BR>never lose faith...</B><P>You have a very valuable support group here... use us... rely on us... <P>You can be cared for here!<P>Jim

Jim - thank you for your reply. I have been trying to do plan A and it hasn't worked at all. Is plan B ok to do well he's still living with us? It's not like he's really home that much anyways. <BR>Your right I was doing plan B when he moved out. I didn't have any contact with him except if it was concerning our son. It was also a lot easier because I was so mad and frustrated with him. But now I'm in a situation I don't want to be in.<BR>Is it at all possible that he might come to his senses before it's to late? I have no plans on being with anyone else, I can't even imagine myself with anyone but him.<BR>This is so hard and I appreciate all of you taking the time to try and help me through my problems.<BR>I have given all of my problems over to the Lord to take care of and after I did that I did feel much more at peace and knew everything would be ok. But it's still hard, just like everyone knows.

This truly is a difficult situation to be in. You need to realize that you cannot fix your h. All you can do is make yourself the best person that you can be. Work and work on yourself. Read lots of books. My favorites are "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and "Winning Back Your Husband Before it's too Late" by Gary Smalley. They both have a similar approach about working on yourself. Take a very serious look at what you have been doing in Plan A. Be realistic and see if there were lb that you don't want to face. I know in my case there were many. Like NSR said there is only Plan A or Plan B to work on, otherwise you will just be drawing down your lovebank. Your h responses and attitude is so common in an affair. They do try to pass the blame on to you to justify their poor choice. Just remember that it is your h poor choice, not yours. While I'm sure that you do have many things that you can do to make yourself the best you can be, he made the poor choice. For you, not sleeping, eating and crying all the time are very common. I know how hearbreaking it is to have this happen. In time, the gripping pain will faid and be replaced by a dull ache. At that point, you will be able to function better. The more you can rely on the Lord, the quicker you reach that point. As difficult as it all is, commit to working on yourself and let God work on your h. I know that when I got out of the way, God could do great things. Prayers and hugs!<BR>

Sounds like your H was using the excuse that you checked his vm and not can't trust you as his excuse to get out and go to the OW. Believe me, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong, except take care of YOUR best interest. I think Derby hit it right on the nail, when he said you CAN'T CHANGE your H, just work on yourself. Your H hasn't shown you any love or respect with his words or actions. He is young and acting even younger than his age. Let him live in his fantasy affair for awhile. If you want to Plan A then do it, but NEVER lose respect for yourself by doing Plan A. Meaning NO BEGGING, PLEADING. Just be nice if he calls about child, answer questions pleasantly but don't get into the mode of letting him have his cake and eating it too, like so many scorned people do, because usually it ends up only hurting you in the long run, when you think that your making love to him is going to mean something other than sex to him and that he will leave the OW. Just a few suggestions.

H came home last night and told me he was no good for me and I needed to let everything go. I told him fine it's done, don't worry about it. Then he left and went out with his friends and I'm sure the OW.<BR>He came home later and got in bed and told me he wanted to hug me. So I gave him a hug and he tried holding me. I moved away and he said can I please hold you. I told him no. He told me he was very sorry for hurting me, and he wants to be friends. He said he feels really bad. I told him not to worry about it cause hes happy now. He said but I feel bad. I said don't and went to bed.<BR>My question is did I take the right approach here? Should I have let him hold me. The reason I didn't was I think it would have been too hard for me to deal with. Please give me your insight. Thanks.

He feels GUILTY, and wanted you to hold him, to help his conscience, because he knows that what he is doing is wrong to you and your child. What happens after you hold him, he feels better, goes off to be with OW and then WHO will be there to hold you so that YOU can feel better. What about YOU, don't your feelings count? Don't you deserve to feel better? Start thinking about your happiness and how you will feel.

His forehead has guilt written all over it. I have been in the exact position you are in. The I'm sorry...hold me....you need to find someone to make you happy....the revolving door. <P>First of all think of yourself too. Just because you still love him and want to make it work...don't jeopordize your feelings. They mean something too. <P>You have a child to think about. Luckily he is too young to understand all of this. I'm sure he will become confused but that is your job to make him feel safe and loved. You will do that....I don't need to tell you that one...comes naturally.<P>If you don't feel like doing something because it will confuse you more, then don't do it. Again....protect yourself, not only financially....but emotionally too.<P>The betrayer has a way of making it all your fault. You were too nosey....I can't trust you.....you weren't sensitive to my needs...it is all about them. Right now they are very selfish. You know the ole saying....its my way or the highway.....well. I don't think that at a time when they are like this you can do anything right. <P>There was a post once from a betrayer who said everything her H did irratated her. I believe that is true in every affair.<P>Don't beg...I did that...YUK<BR>I think it pushed him further away.<BR>Unless he can handle some of the guilt I almost feel plan B is the way. He needs to accept what he has done....leave the OW....and come back to you whole hearted before anything can be resolved.<P>It will be hard....Lord knows how hard....but you will be ok. Trust me...you will. For me to say this is a milestone for me. I made it....and if anyone knows me well enough to know....it was a long and tough road...but I did it....and am still doing it.<P>The pain does slowly go away. It is like one day you wake up and it is gone. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel...sometimes it flickers and sometimes it goes out....but it is there and day by day it gets stronger and stronger.<P>Good Luck<BR>Keep on posting.....we understand<BR>Nancy