My H and I are in recovery, and for the most part we have done really well. However, there are now some problems that I just don't know what to do about and I am fearing the worst.<P>Prior to my H's affair we had the internet and he liked looking at the XXX sites on the web. I got into the chat rooms. <P>As far as he is concerned with the XXX sites, I didn't like it but I didn't complain about it that much either.<P>As far as myself, I admit that I had started talking to someone that was a real charmer. It was something that I initially was flattered by but it became a situation where I became very uncomfortable and I stopped chatting with him. But my H suspected that something was amis and I think that was one of his ways for justifying his affair.<P>We were separated for quite awhile and were on the way of getting a divorce but somehow we turned it around and reconciled. Upon our reconciliation we got rid of the internet. A few months ago we resumed our service and made the argreement that there would be no chat rooms or XXX sites.<P>Well, my H is back into the XXX sites frequently. I have expressed to him how this upsets me and that it disturbs me a great deal. I have even reminded him of our agreement but he doesn't seem to care about our agreement or my feelings. He says that he is not going to have a computer if he can't look at what he wants and that he will not be treated like a child where he is told what he can do and what he can't do. That he enjoys looking the these pictures and that he is going to keep doing it and that there is nothing that I can do to stop him. That he is doing nothing wrong, that he is at home and not out running the streets or anything like that and that it isn't anything that should bother me.<P>Now as far as I am concerned I have not been going into any chat rooms at all. However there is one person that I have been talking to. It is a totally innocent situation. It is merely a situation of being a supportive ear to someone who is having a hard time in life. Just like here on MB.<P>I have tried to share this with my H as not be one to hide anything from him but he has commented that he doesn't care and only got angry when I tried to share, so I stop sharing.<P>Well, today I came home and was the first to arrive home from work and I was checking e-mail and noticed a subscription confirmation for a X-rated site that specifically mentions online romances, personals and all sorts of bizarre sites.<P>Needless to say this is really getting to me. I don't know how I can begin to trust him again when he seems to have such little regard for my feelings or the promises that he made.<P>I realize that I may have my own part in this too. Perhaps he feels as if I have renigged on my promise as well but its just not the same thing at all. I care about this person but only as a friend. They are having a hard time in life and I seem to be able to offer them a great deal of support during this difficult time. <P>I have thought about trying to explain to this person that I can't talk to them anymore but I feel bad about that too. Plus I know that even if I did my H wouldn't stop doing what he is doing either. Besides one doesn't really have anything to do with the other.<P>I feel a distance developing between us and I know how dangerous that can be. I have even expressed to him my fears of him subjecting himself to this type of material may tempt him to stray again.<P>I guess I should mention that I am a woman of some size. I am not morbidly obese or anything but I could stand to loose some weight. It is very upsetting to me that he looks at these skinny women and are excited by looking at them. Then he wants to have relations with me? How can I feel at all in the mood when it seems to me that these little hard bodies are preferred by him and that he gets more aroused by them than by me. It is something that is making a major impact on my self esteem and self confidence and with that it is having a definate effect on our sex life and a negative one at that.<P>I talked to him awhile ago and he wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that I was just a little upset. He asked about what and I told him that I had seen an e-mail re: the subscription. His reply was less than sympathizing. "Oh yea, that was just something that I found last night". Duh... I knew that!!!<P>I don't know how to address this in a way that will solve this very very big problem. I feel like just quitting at this point to protect myself from any possible future hurt. He has made several comments lately that just doesn't make me feel as secure with him as I have been feeling.<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thank You for at least letting me vent, maybe I won't be so tempted to LB now that I have gotten some of this out of my system.

Who knows,<P>I only have experience in the "porn" sites so I can attempt to offer advice to you on that. I can understand why you would be offended. Many women are. My H used to like the nude bars and dirty magazines. I did not want to have sex with him after seeing these disgusting disease infested women. Well I didn't know it then as I was young and immature (still young, just matured!). He had a very addictive personality. Which in turn, moved on to an affair. I dont' agree with the XXX sites, it is nothing but sleeze and in a way, a way of being unfaithful. If both partners can look at this and both become arroused, I might feel different. I don't know many women that feel this way (myself no thank you). <P>I must comment on this. If you and H truly wanted to make this marriage work, neither of you should be "renigging". I understand how this charmer online can offer support. HOwever, you realize, this could be viewed as an emotional affair. It sounds like you are both getting needs met outside the marriage and therefore exposing yourselves to an affair. Just because you tried to tell him honestly, I can see where he might feel insulted.<P>I feel for you and don't think you should let your size, no matter what it is, be a factor in your unhappiness. Obviously H fell in love with you at some point during the marriage and then again, to be in recovery right? <P>You two need to get working on this right away. I can't offer you much hope but to get into counseling and commit to it. Get rid of the chat pal though. Two wrongs don't make a right, and people in an affair, love to have these reasons to justify their actions anyhow.<P>I am concerned about the site you found he was in , with the romance. I hope you two can find your way to recovery and not take this step back. Good luck, and god bless. Dana<BR>

Lonelymom...<BR>Thank you for your reply. I know what you say is right but yet it is so hard to do. There are no feelings for this person that I am talking to besides friendship. I have thought about the emotional affair thing but then how can you tell the difference between and emotional affair and just a simple friendship?<P>I wish I could explain the circumstances better because I feel like if I did, that would add a different perspective on the matter. <P>My H made another comment this morning... I asked about the e-mail last night and the online dating services and romance and that sort of stuff. He replied... you know I only llok at the pics, at least I am not talking to some girl! <P>Well, I know that comment was directed at me. I know that it is bothering him and I can understand why but at the same time I hate to end this comunication with this person because I know I will be letting them down and not being a very good friend.<P>Its like I am torn here, between the man that I truly love and a friend who just needs some support and someone to talk to. That is all there is to it! How can I let my H have so much control over me? I have never given him any reason to distrust me. However he can't say the same at all.<P>I know that if the situation was reversed... I would most definately have a problem with it myself! But that is mainly because of his betrayals. If that ghost wasn't lurking and I was confident in his love for me the way he should be confident of my love for him... then I don't think that would be an issue for me.<P>This is a tough situation to be in. I wish he could talk to this person... maybe that would set his mind at ease. <P>Anyway... thank you for you reply. It just really helps to get it out and off your chest.<BR>

Get rid of the online friend, kiddo.<P>You and your H are in "I will if you will" mode, and it's a standoff.<P>Someone has to break it. Let it be you.<P>Sure, you think "My situation is different; this is just a friend." Well, you know what? In the eyes of your H, it's NOT different.<P>One thing my H said to me during one of our fights about Dragon Lady was "Well, you talk a lot to __________ [my co-worker] about HIS problems." <P>I never knew that bothered him. I know I would NEVER be interested in the co-worker, but my H wouldn't.<P>No more male friends for me. It's not worth it.

Dazed and Confused...<BR>Thank you for your reply. I really do appreciate it. I have got to do something here because I know that it is bothering my H and I don't want to loose him. I just don't quite know how to go about this.<P>But thanks again, I welcome suggestions.