I know! I'm a big chicken! I called my attorney and postponed my appointment to sign the papers. I woke up this morning and was really having doubts. I don't know why. So many things about this scare me. <P>I was really a mess! I couldn't stop shaking and crying and the appointments not even until tomorrow! I was having a BIG pity party! <P>But I talked to a couple of friends and they didn't think should be signing something because I was in really bad shape. My head wasn't clear enough to do something so serious.<P>Now, I'm feeling better. I haven't rescheduled yet but it may be for next week. Just depends on how this weekend goes. I just couldn't do it yet!<P>So, another episode of the soap opera continues....<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi <BR>

Mitzi,<P>Thats OK.<P>You do it when it is right for you. Not a second before. You do not want to wake up a year from now having any regrets.<P>Good luck and God Bless

Mitzi remember what we have said we are doing this for...."us and our kids" if you feel it is not the right time then wait till you feel more at ease with it...I know who am I giving advice while I am startine to fall apart myself but you know I only want what is best for you and your boys. if at any time it gets too tough on you call me and I will be here, love and hugs to you my friend.<BR>Love ya<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

JJ,<BR>I honestly thought this was the right time. If I could have signed the papers Tuesday instead of going back tomorrow, H would be served Friday morning. I had 2 days to think about it and I just can't do it yet!<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi<P>Lesa,<BR>What can I say? I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm letting my kids down. I just had too much time to think about it! I honestly don't know what I'm waiting for (a miracle, I guess!).<BR>You hang in there. Remember, only do it if it feels right in your heart!<P>Love ya,<BR>Mitzi

you to hun only when it feels right to you and in your heart no one elses<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Lesa,<BR>I'm not sure if it will ever feel right. But I'm going to take the weekend to think about it!<P>Love ya,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<BR>In my post on your other topic....I told you how I felt when I signed. You feel ready...but....I'm glad that you are taking your time. I regret doing it.....always will...even though I was protecting the girls and myself.<P>Chin up....think hard.....you will do the right thing.<BR>Good luck<BR>Nancy

Nancy,<P>I know in my heart that I would have regretted it if I did it tomorrow. I may feel different after this weekend but I have to take my time with this. It's just not something anyone can rush into. It changes your whole life. I will make the right decision, just not tomorrow.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi, <P>Its never a good idea to sign something when you are not up to your full mental capacity. Take your time and do whats right for YOU!<P>I will be here to support you! Sorry I haven't emailed you past few days, so much going on, but will catch up to you today!<P>Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>I was just emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted! I don't think I could have signed even if I'd kept the appointment! <P>Thanks for all of the support!<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi...<P>A long post for you so here goes...<P><BR>Is there a point at which you have to admit…that it is just not going to work, cut your losses, and walk away?<P>My answer is yes. If the relationship we are talking about is a marriage, I know that many Christian leaders would disagree. I confess that I am not nearly spiritually mature enough to believe that. Easy examples of when that kind of decision is justified in my mind, and in fact mandated, are found when the relationship is infected with physical abuse or drug and alcohol addiction and the partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or to make a sincere effort to get help. The harder call comes when all of the problems are matters of choice and personality. The harder call comes when both partners seem to want to make the relationship work, but just can't get there. I have two major thoughts that may help you in your decision-making process.<BR>*********************************************<BR>First, do not ever make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil.<BR>*********************************************<BR>When feelings are running high and language and rhetoric even higher, this is not a time to make decisions that will affect your life and that of your partner and children, if any are involved. NEVER BE IN A HURRY WHEN MAKING DECISIONS, THE CONSEQUENCES OF WHICH WILL BE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME!<P>If you are riding an emotional roller coaster, get on flat ground so you can take a rational and objective look at things before you start making life-changing decisions. Hopefully, the process of this book has flattened out your roller coaster enough to give you a better perspective on where you are.<P><BR>SECOND, If you are going to quit, you don't just get mad; you don't just get your feelings hurt and decide to bail out. YOU EARN THE RIGHT TO QUIT! Until you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror, until you can look your children in the eye and say I did everything I could to save this relationship and it could not be done, then you have not earned the right to quit. Arrogant as it may sound, until you have done everything I outlined in this book, then I don't think you have earned the right to quit. You have to go through this process first, and if at the end of that process you can say, "All right, Doc, I did it all and it is not going to work," then you have to make a decision at that point.<P>I do not think you ever save a relationship by sacrificing yourself. That is not saving: that is simply trading prisoners of war. You may want to nobly say, "I am willing to give myself up for the relationship." But I feel about that like Patton did about war. He said, "I don't want to hear any of this crap coming in from the battlefield about good men dying for their country." He said, "Let them other sons of *****es die for their country. That is not my idea of victory, trading lives for ground." Similarly, I don't want you going out there and saying, "I will let my spirit die for this relationship." I don't want you to say, "I will give up my hopes, my dreams, my dignity, my purpose, my spirit in order to fold myself into this relationship." THAT IS NOT VICTORY! One entity may live and another entity dies, THAT IS NOT PROGRESS!<P>Trust me, if that is your approach, the relationship is not really living. It is just living on the spirit of one part of the relationship. That is a parasitic existence at your expense. You know that will not work long-term. Work hard to save your relationship. YOU DESERVE THE EFFORT, BUT I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE DAY MAY COME WHEN YOU HAVE A DIFFICUTL DECISION TO MAKE! Phillip C. McGraw, PH.D.<BR>

Mitzi: Between your shaking and mine and possibly others on this site, we outta make a fine ice cream shake. Hey better than Baskin-Robbins. As you have been a help to me, I hope to be just as much of a help to you. Humor me :-) I will have to agree with your friends, don't sign anything when you're in a stressed state. You could end up with a raw deal. Right now, I have either my spouse or even my older children read any important stuff to me and because my mind is mush, they explain the material in easy terms. They then advise me or pass it on to their Dad, or put it on hold. At work, my co-worker or my boss(without knowing my stability issues) help me with some decision making issues by my simply asking their opinion on the matter. So far, I have been able to keep from making any major mistakes. So I would advise you to wait until your head is somewhat clear to thoroughly read and comprehend all paperwork that needs your signature. Especially paperwork that will affect your future. You might take along someone(if permitted) that you trust to clarify items you don't understand. This is an emotional time for you, CYA so you don't get burned. I am praying for you and you will make it!!!

mrrlk,<P>I know I've earned the right to quit on this relationship, I'm just unsure of being able to deal with all the pressures of doing so. I can look my kids in the eye and tell them that I did do everything possible from being the punching bag to begging my H to get professional help to doing nothing. It got me nowhere. <P>I am confident about doing it and I'm really not sure what my doubts about it are. I think it's an end to my life as I know it and a fear of being alone. <P>I'm taking the time I need so I can clear my head more and make all of the right decisions for my future with my kids.<P>BTW, thanks for the section from Phil McGraws book. It really made alot of sense!!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Sobeit,<P>I truly feel honored! Your brain can't be completely mush since you are able to give others advice! <P>And you didn't humor me, you made perfect sense! I've thought about taking someone with me so I don't forget anything or misinterpret anything that's said. I thought I felt 100% sure that I was signing today and I would be fine. Nw I'm about 80% sure that I'm making the right decision. I need a few days to get back to 100%. <P>Yes, I'll be ok. I'll make it. And so will you!!<P>(((((HUGS))))) and prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi<P>have you thought about filing for a legal separation instead of divorce? <P>It would give you the financial support you need and protect your children without the permanent ending of the marriage that a divorce would create?<P>Keo

Keo,<P>I checked on it. In my state there is no "legal" separation. You are separated the day papers are filed. Almost makes me wish I lived in another state!<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

WOW Mrrlk, put it nicely. And Mitzi, you already answered your own question. You are afraid of a new life. But aren't you ready for one ABUSE-FREE. It is easy for us to say HELL YEAH!! But you have lived that life for so long that you feel like maybe something will happen. You are waiting the weekend for a sign, but that sign is not going to happen for a positive sign that your H will change to be a better person to you and for your kids. So please spend your weekend and think of EVERYTHING. H needs professional help and there is nothing that you can do to change that.

T24G,<P>I'm not afraid of living without my H. I'm worried about being a single mom, with 3 kids, never had a job so no job skills, a mortgage payment that is extremely high, a car that is about to die....things like that.<P>No I'm not waiting for a "sign" this weekend. I'm waiting so that my mind is clear and I understand everything about my divorce papers completely. <P>And just because he is gone does not mean that my life will be abuse free. Read some of mental's posts. No it won't be physical abuse, but there are other types. <P>The first step to getting away from some one like my H is the hardest. And if you've never been in the situation, you don't understand. There's alot me to abuse than just hitting a person. It starts out slow. First, you're no good. And you're degraded until you actually believe every horrible thing that they say about you. You have no self esteem! <P>Just as abuse starts out slow so does recovery. I believe I've taken a huge step in actually getting the divorce papers drawn up. Something I never thought of doing before. It's taken me 2 months to get this far. It took me 10 1/2 years of HELL to wake up. It's not gonna happen over night. Only an abused person would actually understand.<P>Mitzi

Mitzi, I'm thinking of you and praying for you too...

Mitzi-<P>Please do me...no...plese do Mitzi a favor and go get a "couple" of books that I think may give you additional perspective and could be of help to you. My Father, God Bless Him, always used to say, "You can not expect to live long enough to learn everything the hard way! So read! Talk with people and learn from what they will share with you that they have learned from their mistakes and that can help you not make the same mistake they did!"<P>So, a couple of books that will help you "Think" about the path will ultimately take...they are good books and ones that helped me...It is not an easy decision and you will need to be prepared to move forward regardless what decision you make.<P>Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay<BR>Mira Kirshenbaum<P>Marriage On The Rocks<BR>Learning to live with yourself and an alcoholic<BR>Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D.<P>Should I Stay of Go...How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage<BR>Lee Raffel, M.S.W.<P>Fighting for your Marriage<BR>Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg<P>The Healing Journey Through Divorce<BR>Your Journal of Understanding & Renewal<BR>Phil Rich, ED.D.,MSW<P>Glad you seemed to call a "Time Out" until your heart, spirit and soul all calm down and take another hard look at what you will decide to do.<P>mrrlk<P>p.s. - You are not a big chicken!