Hi Everyone!<P>I know that there is a roll call on the Just Found Out Forum, but how about something a little more concise here? There are so many of us here now that it is hard for me to keep all of our names, spouses, stories, etc. in mind. Many people have outdated or almost nonexistant profiles.<P>Here's my suggestion: Write a brief summary, maybe just one paragraph. Let us know how long since D-Day, if you and your spouse both post here and under what names, where you are as a couple (together or apart), if you are in Plan A or B or recovery, and anything else that you feel is important.<P>Once everyone has had a chance to contribute, then anyone who wants to can print it out and use it to refer to when reading a post.<P>This is just my suggestion, and if others feel it is not valuable or not needed then it's no big deal, we'll just forget it.<P>Please let me know what you think.<P>Thanks,<P>Peppermint

I found out about my H's affair Dec 23rd 1999. He moved out the same day. I'm in divorce mode right now. My H physically abused me for the 10 years we were married. Since he has been gone, I like not walking on eggshells, so I'm going thru with the divorce for my own protection. I'm not trying to save anything but I decided to stay at MB for advice when I get discouraged and to maybe give some advice.<P>Good idea Peppermint!<BR>Mitzi

My husband started his affair in October. I found out at the beginning of December. Worked like heck to try and save my marriage. He moved in with the ow on Valentine's Day. He had lived the two weeks prior to that with his brother to try and save our marriage. It was too much for him and he couldn't take being away from her. At this point I am going for the divorce. I haven't filed yet and I don't know if he has filed yet. I am feeling pretty good at this point. By the way, the ow is 11 years older than me and 9 years older than my husband. I think he was looking for a mother figure. <P>~Woozy<p>[This message has been edited by woozy (edited March 02, 2000).]

On September 27, 1999, my husband confessed that he had a brief affair with a younger woman in our neighborhood. He visits this site and sometimes posts. His name is firestorm. We are still together and in recovery. We are improving and healing, but still have a long way to go.

On Nov. 9, 1999 I found out that for about a month my H had an internet/phone sex/snail mail affair with an 18 year old girl (he was 45) we had both been talking to. She wanted to stop and made him tell me.<BR>He never wanted to leave and we were working it out. However, just a few weeks ago I caught him in a "flirtation" with another woman on the internet. Thanks to keykey (which he doesn't know I have) I was able to nip it in the bud. He says it was nothing but who knows where it would have led. Anyway he is staying off the computer totally now, and is working very hard to restore my faith in him. We have been married 27 years. He does not post here.

Hi Peppermint!<P>I discovered my H's affair on January 20th - confronted him with a letter I rec'd in the mail on January 21st - he admitted to it.<P>My H doesn't post here. He doesn't even know how to type! We are six weeks (tomorrow) into recovery. Affair ended upon discovery (really about a week before, that's why I received the letter - OW was beside herself). We really didn't have to do Plan A. He realized everything he ever wanted and needed, he already had with me.<P>My H is now also a recovering alcoholic...also 6 weeks for sobriety for him.<P>We are in counseling once a week, since a week from discovery. We are happier now then we ever have been. It's like a whole new relationship. We're getting to know one another completely and fully. He has "opened his eyes" and I have reopened my heart.<P>It's still gonna be a long haul, but I think we're making progress.<P>Thanks! -- purplemag

My H left ON XMAS Day. To find himself. Oddly enough, he showed up with OW at his mom's on New Years. He moved in w/OW from his moms on Jan.3. I found out Jan.5. He claimed it was for convenience at first, as his mom's was an hour drive to work every day. He almost came home twice. Now he has feelings for her. I know that they were sleeping together the week after xmas. <P>I was served with divorce papers dated Valentine's Day. H told the kids I am beautiful and he still loves me. He tells me we are going to be friends forever and we'll get through this change in our lives. (meaning me learning to accept OW). He maintains he met her 3 days before xmas. I feel it has been about 2 or 3 months more. I was mentally abused for 10 years but never knew it. He brainwashed, belittled and treated me terrible, like his slave. But for some dumb reason, I loved him still.<P>I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but I am trying to learn to find happiness and accept this mess.<P><BR>

Okay, here goes:<P>*My H & I have been married a year and a half (together 3 total).<BR>* 7/99 (our 1 year anniversary) EA started with coworker<BR>* 12/99 found out about EA<BR>* 12/99-1/99 5 counseling sessions with a quack that didn't help at all!<BR>* 12/24/99 found out I was pregnant<BR>* 1/21/99 ultrasound & day he left<BR>* 2/99 H doesn't want to work on marriage<BR>* 2/28/99 H broke into our home and took all his stuff while I was out of town<BR>* H has been getting EVERYTHING out of his name<BR>* 3/1/99 H had my cable turned off <BR>* Not sure if there is OW or not right now!<P>I am currently using the Divorce Busting "last resort technique". I tried Plan A, but everything I did drove him further away. He feels he "gave it his all". He is very messed up right now.<P>Hope this helps! It has been 9 days since last contact with H! It gets a little easier each day. I just wish I didn't love him so much. This breaks my heart and is REALLY hurting my 6 year old daughter.<P>TB<P>P.S. I am 26 years old, a high school teacher & live in Idaho<p>[This message has been edited by teddy bear (edited March 02, 2000).]

3/98 - I had miscarriage (later found out H was convenced I was cheating because he didn't think he could have kids - this since 1st miscarrage in 96)<P>9/98 - Got internet service at work, I located an old college friend (male)<P>1/99 - XH told me he was hurt because of my friendship with my college friend.... Broke off all contact and tried to save my marriage. <P>4/99 - Returned from funeral out of state only to have H kick me out of the house. Separated for 3 weeks, started counselling.<BR>Quit counselling<P>5/99 - H started staying out later and later after work. Stayed out until 4 or 5 am some nights..... we started fighting again. Found out his boss had told him to "cool it" w/ a female employee because people were talking.<P>7/99 - H "asked" me to leave again.... Moved out 8/99.<P>Repeated attempts to reconcile, but continued justification of his "friendship" with the twinky & refusal to quit seeing her outside of (and/or after) work.<P>1/00 - H said he didn't want to try anymore...<P>2-23-00 Divorce final.<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Butterfly (edited March 02, 2000).]

* Found out May 99. Affair had been going on for a couple of months.<BR>* OW is older then both of us, married with three kids. She is getting a divorse.<BR>* I asked H to move out Aug. 99. He moved into 1 room slum.<BR>* OW and her child (other 2 live with dad) move in w/ H. They live together for about 2 months.<BR>* Jan 00, H and I start dating each other. We are not living together. OW is still holding on to H, calling him, paging him, etc. H says it's over and it was a huge mistake. <BR>* We are working on getting back together. OW issue must be totally resolved before he can move back in.<BR>* We have a beautiful, witty, charming 5 year old son.

My H had an affair last year while away on an extended business trip. Discovery was in May 1999. He broke off the affair in June 1999. We began counseling in May after discovery and for a while things seemed to get better. But in September 1999, H started calling OW again. I found out in November. Then in December he started meeting her at the Atlanta airport for several trysts (she lives about 800 miles away). He moved out on January 30, 2000 and asked for a divorce on February 8. We have 3 kids: boy 13, girl 10, boy 9. We have been married 15 years this coming May. I have tried to get him to work on our marriage again, but he says we were too young when we got married, never really in love, incompatable, and he no longer has the energy to try. He is very angry that it took the affair to "wake me up" and why didn't I do something before it was too late. My answer is I didn't realize he was that unhappy. At any rate, I don't hold out much hope for us, but this place keeps me going and maybe my experience can help save someone else's marriage. OW is married but separated. Her H had an affair, so I can't understand how she can inflict this kind of pain on another person. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Keridwen7 (edited March 02, 2000).]

H had internet EA affiar for over two yrs. <BR>First discovery Jan 98...H "ended"it, went to counseling for three months..H said he did not want to continue, we could "work it out" ourselves....<BR>Sensed a distancing immediately after quitting counseling..I continued on my own..H was having other inappropriate interent relationships and even met a different woman from EA for lunch. I wxpressed my displeasure many times..it continued.<BR>April 99, I discovered he was back with the EA....again said he would quit, but did not and was planning on leaving...I did Plan A with S Harleys help for three months..he continued the affair...went to plan B July 99...we filed for D. Nov 99, was final Feb 00.The OW has left her H, they are seeing each other as they can, 1200 miles apart. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Bringing this to the top and hoping for more replies.

H's affair started with first love (best friends sister) beginning of August 1999. He angrily told me about it while I was 3,000 miles away on telephone (while she was in MY house with him!) on September 5, 1999. He drove me 3,000 miles away at the end of Sept to get me out of his life, visited me twice during his affair, and we finally got back together and drove the 3,000 miles back to east coast on December 11, 1999. We're doing great, mostly because he can't stand OW and realizes he wanted to be part of her family, not actually be with her (she's hideous! Dr. Harley says that's the case lots of times, but it is really the case with her!). H can't believe he was ever with her, and can't believe he put me through the hell he did because of her and her family. Triggers still get me all the time and I can't get over the "how could you have done this to me" feeling. H said he wanted to post here, but hasn't yet.<P>Mare

Here goes:<BR>Been married for 10 years, together for 15<P>* Apparently I have been suffering with mild depression for a long time - perhaps most of my life.<BR>* After about 3 years of marriage I found out that H had an affair - it was over and he despised her by then.<BR>* We did not get counselling and I found it difficult to get over his betrayal.<BR>* Depression got worse, but went unrecognized and undiagnosed.<BR>* We had sexual difficulties starting in spring of 1997 - he even went to the doctor.<BR>* H was spending a lot of time out drinking until all hours - I, of course, nagged incessantly about this.<BR>* Summer 1998: I went to a bar where he was known to hang out and met some of his friends. I noted a woman staring at me with hostility. Asked him about her and he said he didn't know her.<BR>* September 13, 1998: Took a day trip and got home near midnight. H worked on his motorcycle, then took test ride.<BR>* 3 hours later, I went to find him - at the bar. Encountered the staring woman again, and finally asked her what her problem was. She launched herself off the barstool, reaching for my throat. H tried to pretend he didn't know what her problem was.<BR>* We went home, there was a message on my answering machine from her, telling me she and he were having an affair. She proceeded to call my home every 5 minutes until I took it off the hook.<BR>* H tried to avoid answering the obvious question, but eventually admitted they were having an affair and that he was planning to leave.<BR>* I did the begging and crying thing, then began Plan A. 2 months after discovery he moved out (November 9, 1998).<BR>* I continued Plan A. We went on a two week vacation after he moved out (the weekend after Thanksgiving) and had a wonderful time. <BR>* He and I saw each other frequently - many times at his instigation. I helped him select and buy his car and motorcycle (even as to the color of the bike).<BR>* Summer 1999 we spent a lot of time together, again, some at his instigation, some at mine. I learned to golf and we golfed several times. He was beginning to become more comfortable in OUR home again, but no sexual contact. Rumor had it that all was not well in paradise. Received frequent hang up calls, most from the same phone number (which turned out to be the pay phone outside where she worked).<BR>* September 1999, distancing again began. OW (fondly called "Slug" here at MB by me) had new job, her second in 8 months; I work in education and get little time off except weekends. Still he made contact - a few times just showing up for lunch at my job. H got online, I helped him with his computer (not at his home - I've never been there). I sent him email, she sent me vicious nasty replies (see my threads in the read-only forum).<BR>* November 1999, he went on vacation with slug. On the day I expected him back, I left him a telephone message about my family issues (my bil's dad was dying). I didn't hear from him the day following or all day that Monday, and assumed he would not respond. At 11pm Mon. eve., he showed up on his motorcycle. Came inside and we talked for about 1/2 hr. As he left I mentioned wanting a ride. He left, but came back in about 10 minutes saying, "You going on that ride or not?" We did.<BR>* Holidays were horrible ... he distanced himself quite a bit, occasional LB'ng from me. I had gotten him Christmas gifts over the summer and finally in Jan. he came over to get them.<BR>* The following week he called me twice. I have since been visiting him and calling him at work fairly regularly.<BR>* I am still in Plan A 15 months after discovery. I still have hope that Dr. Harley's 2 yr average maximum will see my H finally realizing what scum the slug really is (she has now had 5 job changes in the last 15 months - and her leaving is always welcomed, according to what I've heard. And, she has continued to write me rabid and desperate sounding emails - some of which are posted here on this forum).<P>Sorry to be so long-winded, but, as you can see, my situation has been long so far. I regularly post updates. Doing a search on my username terri will fill you in on all the details <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Hi, Here is my story.<P>*fall of 97 H meets OW on internet since he believes that I had affair when I went home to visit family. I did not have an affair.<P>*Feb of 98 H goes out of town and meets OW for first time just for some "wild sex" (his words). He told me he was seeing brother.<P>*After many strange trips and late nights home H revealed affair to me in May 98 and wanted to leave me. I wanted him back to try and save marriage and he agreed. At this point I believed OW lived far away.<P>*May 99 affair is discovered again. OW contacted H right away after he told her to go her merry way and hooked him. OW also moved to our town shortly after that. I did not know this at the time.<P>*June 99 H moves out and files for divorce. I want him back because I love him and can forgive him. OW has been very pushy about divorce and many other things. She keeps real close eye on H.<P>*June/July 99 I discover the marriage builders site. <P>*July 99 H sounds like he wants to come home and complains of OW being very controlling and lazy. Says I have to wait and be patient because he is doing work for her around her house and does not want to leave her in dire straights. (like he lefted me,my words). He continues to sneak over to visit me and see children, yes he has to sneak around to see children.<P>*Nov. 99 Hope is here finnaly. We stop the divorce. My idea but not forced.<P>*Early Dec.99 H moves back. Told him he could not have contact with OW if our marriage is to work. <P>*Late Feb. 2000 I find out accidently that OW in contact still with H and it began right after he came back. He claimed he was unaware of the no contact rule. OW must have been real sweet to lure him back.<P>*Last day of Feb.2000 H makes decision to go back to her. She gave him ultimatum or she would be out of his life. I showed him many books and things about the importance of no cantact and he does feel that he did not give me a chance.<P>*March 2000, H is expressing desire to come back. OW pushing that divorce again and he has to hide the fact he comes see me and children. I want him back since we did not do withdrawal properly. I needed to pay more attention to him but was scared of scaring him away in what I thought was withdrawal period.<P>We have been married over 22 years and have two daughters ages 19 and 20. <P>OW has been married in past with two younger children not living with her, but far away. She has had a MM affair before.<P>Thanks<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 12, 2000).]

My wife had an affair for 3 years with someone she saw daily at work. Though the quality of our marriage suffered greatly, I never suspected.<P>With God's help, she totally stopped the affair, and dedicated herself to becoming a better wife. She succeeded. After another three years went by, she confessed.<P>It was the most unbearable pain of my life. Though I had been a Christian for many years, this experience totally broke me, and I utterly gave myself to God. Leaning on His strength, I faced the pain directly, and went through nearly two months of hell.<P>During this time, I rarely worked, went to church or saw other people. Led by Him, my wife and I helped each other through. Today, our marriage is far better than it ever was, though we are not the same people we were before. I feel like clay which was originally in one shape, then broken down by the Potter and reformed into something new. I would never have chosen this, but having come out the other side, I believe that God can work all things for good!<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

I can't do this. It's like going back and living it all over again. <P>Maybe later, but not now. I can't do it now.<P>Keo<P>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited March 12, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited March 13, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited March 13, 2000).]

My turn <P>H had an affair with a coworker at the begining of June 98 in a work related trip. The week he came back I immediatly found something was strange, but honestly didn't even think about the possibility of an affair ( you'll have to excuse me, I was too naive ). Nevertheless at the end of that week I decided to talk to him and ask what was the problem. No he didn't confess the affair then, but told me he wanted out of the marriage and didn't love me anymore. <BR>Too strange for someone that had left for the trip in a caring and loving way.<BR>Anyway, I found about the affair really fast, and we went trough about 4/5 months of a real difficult time. <BR>He even packed to leave, but never did.<BR>Most of the time I was in what is now called plan A . I didn't know about this site then, but it made sense to me. Specially looking back into my marriage and finding any weak links or things that weren't working at its best, and of course try to fix what I could.<BR>H refused counseling until September 98. By then the affair was on it's way to die. He went to about 5 sessions with me, while she was paging him like crazy, and ended it saying to his cousin that the counselor was on my side ( really?). In any case, I kept my plan and affair ended Ocotber 98.<BR>Withdrawl stage was normal, I gues, some ups and downs, the major problem was that she kept calling, and in the begining that would affect him, but as time passed not even her calls were able to affect our recovery.<BR>The last time she called was Febr99.<P>We've been doing great, and I must confess our marriage is now stronger than it was even before the affair. COmmunication improved and were more aware of how the marriage should work.<BR>By the way, although he changed is schedule at work in December 98 he's still working in the same company ( this for the people that worry about the spouse still working with the op after the affair ) . It was impossible to just quit and get another job, but I can tell you that in our case it didn't make much of a difference, we made it anyways. He is now looking for something else, but it doesn't have anything to do with her, he's just fed up with what's going on with all the lay offs and stuff.<P>Anyway, I can tell you that it can work. It seemed quite impossible to recover. He refused it since the begining, saying that it wouldn't work not because it was impossible but because he didn't want it to. He even went to the point of telling the kids ( his sister suggestion, herself having gone trough an affair and leaving her H and daughter for the om, so she was quite happy she wasn't the only one, and helped the affair a lot ). <P>Keep focused on your goals, follow the plan you choose, and it can work.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.