The subject line may be misleading ... here's my problem:<P>While things have settled down since D-Day (8 months ago), I still find myself having horrible "fantasies" (can't think of any other word to describe it) stemming from the loss of trust of my H. His was (is?) an EA, but I have suspicions that he still, at least from time to time (he is still in contact with the OW), making overtures to her, trying to break her resolve not to move into the physical realm. H often works a strange schedule, and when he has days off while I'm at work, I drive myself crazy wondering if he's going to meet her and talk her into something. For example: the other night, before his day off, I went to bed while he stayed up to watch TV downstairs. I started having thoughts of the OW coming over (and she has from time to time), of waking up and going quietly downstairs to discover them going at it. Another is of the two of them meeting at a fairly secluded place -- a place that I have real knowledge of their having met before where he made a whole-hearted effort to have her succumb, discovered through some e-mail to which I no longer have access -- and him saying just the right thing and her being in just the frame of mind that the physical actually takes place. <P>I have no concrete reason to believe that these things will happen, but I can't seem to stop myself from having these thoughts. Some months ago, I did tell H these fears, and rather than assuage and assure me, he got belligerent and told me I was ridiculous for not trusting and believing him - that the relationship was that of friend and mentor and that was it.<P>Is there any way to stop these thoughts? Or would stopping them be akin to putting blinders on? I've got a suspicion right now that OW may be preparing to cut him off at the pass, so to speak -- she is in town on Spring Break and stopped by the house last night, and while I was out of room she told him "we need to talk." Perhaps his overtures to her and frequent need for validation from her has so disrupted her studies that she's going to tell him to stop or disappear -- or maybe it's just another one of her soap opera like episodes that he feels responsible to analyze and help her with (though she didn't seem psychotic last night). Just another of my fantasies.<P>Can I stop driving myself so crazy? Is there an answer?

I think it is normal to have these thoughts. I know I did too until I had some reason to begin to trust my H again. <P>It does not sound like you have much to hang onto in the trust categorie when it comes to your H. It is so hard when you have been betrayed. You look back and you think about what you were doing when it was happening.<P> How could you and all of us have been so naive about it? <P>Having these thoughts may be your own way of cutting your H off at the pass. In my case I think I was trying to stop my own pain by looking for opportunities for my H to be unfaithful to me again. If I could identify these moments then somehow I felt I could stop them. It was my way of trying to assure that he would not make a fool of me again.<P>I missed his infidelity previously,now my and maybe your antenna are up so that we are more aware.<P>It does fade with time. Your H can help greatly by giving you a reason to trust him. Maybe he is not ready for that yet. But it will probably never go away without the help of a good therapist. <P>This rocked our world. My world will never be ordered in the same way again and I need to learn to live with that and to try to trust my H.<P>I expect this to be incredible hard given the depth of the betrayal.<P>Hope this helps or at least makes you feel less alone.<P>Acacai

Many thanks ... yes, it's so hard to get back the trust. I want to trust him so badly, but I also don't want to be taken for a fool. I already feel like a real schmuck to put up with his maintaining contact with her ... unfortunately, I hadn't visited this site until months after all the big arguments, and for now it doesn't make sense for me to demand he cut her off, as I don't have evidence that anything unsavory is going on.<P>BTW, the thing OW wanted to tell him was that she's been dating a guy for about 6 weeks now ... shouldn't I feel better now? I guess so, though I do not. Well, maybe I do, but not all the way there! I guess the problem is mostly with my perception of H's view of her, of what I perceive as his obsession with her. Perhaps this is a ridiculous notion, but his preoccupation with whether she e-mails him or not, or how he can help her find a summer internship and what she should wear to the interview, diminishes his concern for my needs. Perhaps I have these fantasies to make myself angry at OW.<P>Believe it or not, we are having the two of them over to dinner Friday night. This should be interesting. Wonder if her new boyfriend will pick anything up between those two? Most of all I'm crossing my fingers that this guy is really great and she'll stick with him for a good long time ... long enough for H to shake this obsession out of his system (and if he gets this new job he's going for, it will be that much easier to do just that). Then we can really get down to the business of making our family the best it can be.<BR>

It's normal to have these feelings but your husband is not being a help. He sounds like he is adding fuel to the fire. The visions that I was getting were about the same and the doctor ended up putting me on paxil. It helped but things started getting better at the same time so I couldn't tell you how effective it actually was.<P> I'll tell you one thing and that is these secret talks between them is no good. A marriage should be open and neither of you should have anything to hide. If this OW is having trouble then I think maybe you should also be there so you could help give another woman's point of view. I do see trouble and I do feel badly for you.