I have been thinking it would be encouraging to post specific stories of changes we are making:<P>Before I thought we had a good marriage, but there was something missing...<P>I built up resentments for years over several things and did not realize how it was affecting us.<P>I was also STUPID, yes, stupid. Even though h encouraged me to get help with the kids/house and we could afford it, I wanted to do it all myself. I was home with two very active 2 and 4 year olds 24X7 while he travelled extensively and worked long hours.<P>I didn't do it well, but was still determined to pull it off. By evening, I was tired (an understatement), the house was not "picked up", the kids were fighting when he arrived. So I would "demand" he do something with them so I could finish making dinner in peace.<P>Needless to say, there was no time for dates, and I hardly felt like a "woman" anymore. And this was reflected in the old t-shirts and shorts I always wore and in my attitude.<P>Have you noticed I am placing no blame here? Yes, I felt neglected, abandoned is more like it. But I put myself in this situation.<P>After:<P>Both kids are in pre-school until 3:00. I also have a cleaning lady once a week. We go out one night during the week no matter what we have to do to get a babysitter. The in-laws who were pretty much living here on week-ends anyway are now also left with the kids to give us time.<P>I don't always pull it off, but most times he comes home to a neat house and well behaved kids. I let him rest and switch gears before asking for any help. I have dinner ready, but we eat out more too.<P>He realizes his importance to this family goes WAY beyond the paycheck (duh), and he is finding a way to balance his very demanding job. He needs a challenging job given his high strung personality and high talents. But it can be balanced. He turns off the cell phone and computer. (Now, I'm the one who has to watch my desire to be checking on MB when we have time together).<P>We make time for each other and for the four of us to spend together. It is planned, it doesn't just happen. Some weeks are almost impossible, but we move heaven and earth to get OUR time. Nothing, not church committments, not in-laws, not my plans, come first before OUR time. Yes, we have had to cut back on a lot of things, even good things like the 3xweek at church.<P>For the first time, he has agreed to take me on business trips with him without the kids. I had always gone on some with him taking babies and all so we would not have to be apart so much.<P>While I have never been heavy, I was already working to get back my pre-kid figure all last year. I will keep it up because it is important for myself and for him that I be in great shape.<P>The rest seems to fall in place more and more. At first he tried to show affection by the book, exactly the way Harley said. It was not natural, but it is now.<BR>

OK, I'll bite.<P>Before:<P>- I put work, school, friends before H.<BR>- I was afraid of getting "lost" in the relationship, so I created distance.<BR>- If I was out, or left work late, I never called.<BR>- We never had dinner together; H ate when he got home, me when I did.<BR>- When H wanted to get up early in the AM to take a summer hike, I stayed home; he went alone.<BR>- I was heavy, slept in oversized T-shirts.<P>After:<BR>- I put him first.<BR>- I reach out to him emotionally.<BR>- If I'm at the office late, I always call and ask him if he'd like me to bring home take-out food.<BR>- I cook dinner every night.<BR>- I always ask how HIS day was first.<BR>- If he wants to go someplace, I go with him.<BR>- I'm still fat, but I sleep in nice nightgowns. <P>And what does he do? He tries to be more responsible with money. He's more affectionate. He helps out more around the house. He's just easier to deal with.<BR>

Here is my before,after and goals<P>BEFORE<P>*Just like most I got caught up with kids through the years and he did many activities without me. I never had reason to trust him. We had no communication together on what we want and need from each other.<P>*I have let myself go also. We did both start working out before but did not continue. <P>*I have spent tons of money of tons of useless stuff and that made him real mad.<P>*We had tons of stuff in storage that we were paying for. He brought all this stuff home and it still sits in small dwelling we have. He was planning for leaving me when he did this, I was unaware. I was mad at him. I have been living in this mess that I created.<P>*I was being selfish about what I wanted our future to be like<P>AFTER (since he moved back with ow two weeks ago)<P>*I finnaly realize how my money spending habits have gotten out of hand and this has improved dramaticaly since he first left me last June.<P>*When he comes over I make sure I have makeup on and decent clothes. Not the old sweatshirt and faded pants.<P>*I try to at least have an uncluttered feeling in the home when he visits.<P>*Everyday I dig into my piles of stuff and say "get rid of it, you don't need this". Somedays I may not do much but at least I get something accomplished.<P>*My daughters are now old enough (19&20) that they don't need me. I have been guilty of lingering to them to much and have now told them that I am still here for them but I do need time for me. <P>OPPS!!! sorry, I accidently sent it and then got frozen and had to restart computer.<P>THE FUTURE AND GOALS<P>When he comes back and I have very high hopes of that.<P>*We need to quit smoking and will accomplish that together. Along with this we will exercise to better ourselves and feel better about ourselves.<P>*I will continue to clear out my surroundings of needless junk.<P>*I will make time for both of us.<P>*I will hug him daily if not more.<P>*I will talk to him and find out what he is feeling and what his plans for life are.<P>*I want to spend the day at work with him to see what he does those 8+ hours a day. I hope to gain insight and maybe get to know him more than ever before. He can come to work with me as well and see what I do.<P>*Do things together more. Maybe a weekly activity like a club or group. Maybe something like bowling or dance lessons. We will see.<P><BR>I do realize that we have slipped away from each other over the years but it is never to late to rediscover ourselves and make it even better. <P>Thanks<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 12, 2000).]

I think I like this subject....It makes me stop and think about how terrible I was!<P>BEFORE:<BR> 1. Built up resentments for how he treated me, even though I ALLOWED him to do that!<BR> 2. Put EVERYONES needs before my own, including my own education to get the career I wanted with my life.<BR> 3. Allowed In-laws, OW & her H, and other friends of his to down talk me and my friends w/o defending myself adequately.<BR> 4. Allowed myself to fall into a depression and knew I was boarderline suicidal without seeking medical help.<BR> 5. Tried to do good for everyone, to the point of running myself into exhaustion.<BR> 6. Tried to "Protect" him from the kids and other day to day problems I was dealing with because I felt it was "my job" to carry the heavy weight and relieve him, all the while resenting him because of my own actions.<BR> 7. Allowed others to dissuade me from my own perceptions and walked blindly around giving trust to people who didn't deserve it!<BR> 8. Was all around too accomodating a person for other people to treat as a doormat!<P>AFTER:<P> 1. Learned how to say NO! <BR> 2. Let him handle the kids, less stress on me!<BR> 3. Communicate my dissatisfaction with things that bother me and then let go of it, (In first corinithians, chapter 13 it says to not take into account a wrong suffered, boy am I guilty of that one!)<BR> 4. Realize that I am a vital member of this household so I deserve the "upkeep" of a new haircut, some time out, and am a little more "selfish" when it comes to time for myself!<BR> 5. Don't allow others to influence my own personal beliefs and stand up and say what I believe in!<BR> 6. Spend more quality time alone with him and give him my complete attention during that time, with no other people contacting me during that time.<BR> 7. Have gone back to school and spend more time doing my OWN thing, instead of for everyone else!<BR> 8. Am a happier person with myself all over.<P>Ok, so this is just a few thing, some of the more important ones. But it does tell me I am a much wiser person and have grown tremendously!<P><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Ok, it's a bit different here. We are in our 50's and have been married 6 1/2 years. Lived together for almost 4 years before marriage. Children are grown. <P>Before:<BR> I have worked out of town from the time we met. Our courtship was carried on long distance with me in town on weekends. No change after marriage, but we always said--When we retire....<P> I had let myself go, got over weight and became lax about makeup, hair, etc.<P> Although I did not know it, my last remaining ovary (Hysterectomy in 1983) had died and I was going into menopause....lost interest in sex, never said no-just didn't really participate.<P> I was reaching burnout on my job, I'm an air traffic controller, and carried some of that grouchiness home.<P> He was in a motorcycle accident in late 1996 and had his right shoulder destroyed. He now has a stainless steel prosthesis and is partially disabled. He cannot work and lost that area of self-esteem.<P>After:<BR> <BR> There is light at the nend of the tunnel, I retire in 2 weeks, so I will be at home and he won't be so lonely.<P> I have lost weight, got a new wardrobe, am back wearing makeup, fixing my hair, etc, on a daily basis.<P> I am on hormone replacement therapy---has any out there tried testosterone? Does wonders for the libido. hehehe<P> Still near burnout, but am taking antidepressants and will hold out for 2 weeks. I try to leave the job at work and will leave it when I retire.<P> He is in therapy for his depression and self-esteem. If he needs bolstering now, I will be the one to do it, not the wicked witch. <P> We shall see what happens when I am home full time. It is my theory that this EA will die a natural death when I am here full time. He tells me that he has always loved me, that he will not leave me unless I want him to (silly man) and I think he is telling the truth there. She instigated the affair, she knew he was married, we've known her a year and a half, and the affair only started 6 months ago. It was PA for a while, but he is backing off to EA. He did have a 'slip' last week, but he came to me and admitted it immediately. So, at least he was honest about it and did not try to hide it. He has recognised the damage that secrets can do to us and our marriage.. Progress, not perfection!<P>Cat<P>------------------<BR>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.<p>[This message has been edited by nobeswax (edited March 12, 2000).]

I think we all fall all over the spectrum. <P>Chick's - it can be just as harmful to be too giving as too selfish. Why did I never understand the need to take time for myself??<P>I think it helps to reflect on the positive changes we've made and our spouses (unfortunately some will be N/A). But even if it is just you, please reply, it really helps to see your progress.<P>

Before:<BR>1.Held in resentments until it spilled over in an arguement. (afraid to speak up in fear of arguing).<BR>2.When angry and not understoon, I resorted to violence. Yes hitting husband.<BR>3.Would go days without speaking if angry!Yes living under the same roof.<BR>4.BOTH never used communication properly. 5. No calls from me if not coming straight home.<BR>6. I would not help husband with kids in the morning (as far as getting them off to school).<BR>Now:<BR>1.Speak up at THAT moment when upset, instead of waiting for a heated argument to bring something up that happened weeks ago.<BR>2.Am dealing with my anger (counseling)instead of hitting.<BR>3.Try not to stay angry without speaking for more than a few hours.<BR>4.Learning to communicate without yelling, screaming, defenses up.<BR>5.Even if we are angry, i call when I am not coming straight home.<BR>6.I get up in the morning and help with kids.<BR>7.It has only been 1 month but we are in counseling and things are changing for the better. We are showing each other the love and respect that has been missing for a long time, hoping that it continues for YEARS to come, not just while we are in counseling.<BR>