I am the one having the affair. Have been for 4 years, in a loveless marriage. Have 2 great kids. In love with the other M but I know it can never be. Don't want to hurt anyone and am tired of hurting myself.Never felt the way I do before but can it be more than an affair? It has been ongoing and he says he feels the same but obstacles are in the way. Anyone else been there?

What are the obstacles? Is he married? After 4 years in an on going affair, in a loveless marriage, i would say the marriage must be over?! What kind of relationship did you have with your H before the affair? How long have you been married? Give more history so we may understand what really is going on?!

Hi Picnic, <P>Welcome! It's hard to give advice from what little information that you've provided. Maybe you could give us some more background on your marriage and your affair. Everyone here is willing to help, just let us know what we're dealing with.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

Let me start by saying I'm the one that was betrayed. I have been married for almost 18 years and spend most of it not giving the emotional needs my wife needed. She tried everything to get me to open up to her but I won't. Finally it happened and she gave up and had an affair. Her's was just a short affair but the aftermath was unbelieveable. The power this jerk had on her was something like I wish I come have been able to do. It may sound strange but the bond between myself and my wife goes very deep yet she was so in love with this guy that it was tearing us apart. It took 5 months of working with a shrink and a lot of serious talks but we have come thought it. Even as we were working it out he still had a strong pull on her. <P> When I found out about the affair I started to work on us. My wife was great at helping to treach me how to be human. Yes, I mean human. I was raised to be a man and deal with things so I keep it all inside and would leave her out of it. I thought I was doing good but as it turned out I was only pushing her away.<P> Since then I have been open and putting my neck on the chopping block and have rebuild our marriage to better then either one of us could have dreamed. It took hearing about the affair to get me to wake up. I still have trouble dealing with it some times but getting over it takes two just like it takes two to screw up a marriage.<P> I STRONGLY recommend you tell your husband what is going on. You marriage him for a reason and somehow the two of you have difted apart. YOU CAN REBUILD THE LOVE YOU ONCE HAD AND IT WILL BE BETTER THEN BEFORE. Think about it, if your marriage is to survive this it will have to much better and strong then it ever was. You need to be ready to first help your husband over the shock and then show him what he is doing wrong. This other guy is only filling in the voids that have somehow been lost over time with your husband.<P> My wife's OM tried to convince her that it would take an act of God to get someone like me to be the man she needed. Well she did get the chance to tell that SOB that GOD HAS MADE A CHANGE.<P> Right now this affair is in fantasy land and you, as my wife did, are having a hard time see that but trust me this other man is only filling in the voids your husband is not and he is not the man you think he is. I hate to bring this and hurt you but think about this <P>What does it say about this other man who is willing to have an affair with a married woman. If you go to him how long till he decides to have another affair, after all its not his morals are to high for it.<P> Trust me, I am a guy and it can be hard to turn down the chance for more sex. I have never cheated on my wife but I have been tempted. On the other hand a woman has the need for an emotion side to an relationship. This is what died in my marriage and I'll beat it is hurting in yours. Work with your husband and build you marriage to something like you never dreamed could be possible.

Picnic,<P>Welcome to the marriage builders forum. I am glad you are here to tell us your story. There is a lot of help and comfort available to you here. <P>Take some time and read the threads today and get to know some of the people here. <P>I am the betrayed. I can not give you the answers to your feelings, but you can give me and other betrayed, the answers to why our spouses betray and hurt us.<P>I understand you were in a bad marraige, I agree, can you give us some more info on how long you were married, when it changed, then when you met the OM? I am interested in seeing how close together this all happened? I will say that when an OP is involved, its real easy to find all the faults of your marriage. Its real easy to think of yourself and not your spouse.<P>When your H finds this affair, no matter how bad the marriage is, he is sure to be devestated. He will be in great pain. I know, I have been there. In my case, an affair ended my marriage.<P>Do you want to save your marriage or are you at a point of walking away? Its almost never to late to save the marriage and rebuild the love you once had. <P>I will be in and out all day, but I will watch for your replies. Dana<BR>