Dear friends,<P>During the intense period of my recovery, I experienced unbelievable pain. In order to sustain me, God revealed many truths that either I had not seen before, or that I had only known with my head, and not my heart.<P>I share these truths with you hoping that they may help you as they helped me...<P><BR>The past may lie in ashes, but you still have the future. You can’t change the decisions that were made in the past, but you can choose how you will respond: bitter or better. You are not powerless.<P>Don’t set boundaries based on what you know initially. The details cannot come out all at once. Place your trust in God getting you through the experience rather than on your own strength. Handling it in your own strength is saying, “Okay, I can handle x, y and z.” But if you later find out that v and w also happened, you will have built your recovery on sand and be devastated.<P>Share your spouse’s pain when you can. It will ultimately bring you closer than you ever were before.<P>Be absolutely sure that it is God’s will before you reveal what has happened to anyone else. You can never unsay what has been said.<P>Don’t withhold sex or other aspects of marital intimacy just to punish your partner. You are only hurting yourself and delaying the healing process.<P>While your conscious mind may have been unaware of what was happening, your spirit knew everything. This may explain certain things that you did or said before discovery of the truth.<P>Fight the impulse to take some action, any action, when the pain becomes too great to bear. There is no place you can run to escape the pain, since it is within you. The longer you take in facing the pain, the more you delay your own healing.<P>Fight the impulse to say hateful things to your spouse you may regret later, or to do anything with lasting consequences until you have given it time. God’s most common way of communicating with us is His peace. When we take an action immediately, we prevent ourselves from having the opportunity to learn whether we have a peace about it or not. It’s like leaping before you look.<P>Give the pain to God. You give God the glory for all the good things in your life; it’s okay to give God the pain for the things that have gone wrong. In fact, it’s more than okay; Jesus told us to give Him our burdens. What to us is absolutely unbearable, He can shoulder without effort!<P>What happened to you wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. But if you choose to react in a godly way to the unfairness, forgiving instead of punishing, you are storing up for yourself treasure in heaven. In this way, your present pain will actually bring you eternal rewards, since you are suffering unjustly. The greater your suffering, the greater your reward will be for all of eternity!<BR> <BR>God seeks to purify and grow us by the same process as refining silver. He puts us in a situation where the pain (heat) will bring out the dross in our character. He then allows us to learn/be changed as we cool down from the fire, and He then puts us back in with an even hotter flame. This process continues many times until the silver (you) has been refined. This is why even relatively small things that are new can cause greater pain than the big revelation. While the process will occur many times, it is partially up to us how long the process will be drawn out. If we seek His answers quickly, what might have taken years can be accomplished in months.<P>During the refining process, we will cry out for the pain to stop, and even beg God not to allow any more. While this self-protection is natural, we must overcome it, since at its root is distrust of God. When you can pray, “God, if you need to put me back into the fire again to accomplish what you wanted, then I surrender to You,” you have reached an important milestone in the process of recovery.<P>As you go through the refining process, the added heat will bring out weaknesses in areas that you thought of as personal strengths. This is because, deep down, we are all made of the same clay, and the pain has served to burn away our outer veneer of goodness.<P>When your spouse gave in to temptation, they allowed sin to fully penetrate them, like an arrowhead entering the body. Just as an arrowhead which has become imbedded in its victim cannot be pulled out, but must be surgically removed, your spouse could no longer just end the affair by an exercise of will. At that point they became a slave to the sin, and couldn’t end it, even if they honestly wanted to. Only the truth can set them free, and in all likelihood, they were also overcome by deception. Only God can remove the arrowhead and free them. All of us need to be vigilant never to allow an arrowhead to fully penetrate us, but to flee from any sin that threatens to overwhelm our sense of what is right and godly.<P>Satan rarely reveals to someone the full extent of what he has planned to develop from the start of their sin. That would put them on their guard. He tends to choose the lie or thought that he can slip in most readily. Once the tip is in, he will begin to try to force more and more of the arrowhead through, rewarding the person with false hopes and temporary pleasures.<P>Deception and silence are vital to the growth of sin. It isn’t sinful to have a wrong thought enter your mind. But it is sin to dwell on that thought. If you cannot stop dwelling on it easily, that is a warning sign that sin is attempting to overcome you in that area. Find someone you trust and tell them the entire truth about what is going on. Do not put it off!<P>Your spouse may honestly believe that they experienced true love in the affair. It is important for them to come to understand that this is not possible, no matter what emotional experiences they had, or for how long they felt them. An affair is about getting, usually getting some need(s) met that are not being met in the marriage. True love is about giving. Also, an affair is founded on deceit and can never be the will of God. True love can only develop in a relationship that is based on the truth, not fantasy.<P>...<P>If you haven't read my testimony, and would like to, it is posted on this board under the title: "A story of hope..."<P>Best wishes to all,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Good lessons. I blew one big time. Told too many people (not that many really, but a few i wish I hadn't), and really hurt my wife. I think this has compounded our problem. It was not revenge at the time, I was just so bewildered and disoriented I told a few of our friends before I really thought about it. Plus, she was totally against any counseling, talk of reconciliation, anything,. I was desperate. The damage on that front is done, but I agree - be very selective on who you tell.

Up we go to the top!!!<P>I think this needs to be read again!<BR>It was what I needed to hear.<P>------------------<BR>Peg

BBNC,<P>Thank you so much for this inspiration. I needed it so badly this morning. I have hurt my wife so badly that I can not repair it. I take it to the Lord every day and ask that he would comort her, and take away the pain. I think Satan is really working overtime in our marriage. He has put up so many barriers in our marriage, and they are difficult for God's light to shine thrrough. I stay steadfast in the belief that my God is loving, caring and omnipotent God, who can make all things possible. I pray that he will rescue my family in our hour of need. Hopefull my W will see this post, and see how strong the Lord has worked in you, and take inspiration from that. I'm afraid that I have used up most of her strength geting to the place where I have accepted Jesus back into my heart, and have given my will up to God. I know that God can restore all things. He restored my sanity, rebuked Satan in my life, and directed my path. <P>All who read this and trust in the Lord, please pray for Lori, and my children, and myself as we pary for all on this board to be healed and whole again. Thank You.<P>Kevin

Dear Kevin,<P>Your sincerity comes across loud and clear. I hope that your wife gives you another chance. Keep praying!<P>Best wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

BBNC,<P>Just wanted to say thanks, and for a reason to pop this baby back to the top. It's just too good for anyone to miss. <P>Have you read the book "Lifetime Guarantee (Making your Christian Life Work and What to do When it Doesn't)"? This book and the Bible has really helped me order my steps every day.<P>Take care, Kevin

Dear Kevin,<P>Lifetime Guarantee is one of my favorite books. If you haven't read it, try Kay Arthur's, As Silver Refined. Another great book that may help.<P>God Bless<P>BrokenButNotCrushed

Dear Brknbutnotcrushed,<BR>You said in your post you found a letter/post whatever, that described the affects of an affair and showed it to your wife and she said she really saw the truth about what an affair is. Where did you find it, I would like to read it. <BR>I am so glad to finally find a positive story, I've been in a black hole for several months now. So far I haven't found anyone with my particular problem yet. I really need to talk to someone about it. I have so many questions, but don't feel our counselor wants to answer them, I need some more resources. Please write me back.

Dear brknhrt,<P>I'm sorry you've been in such a dark place. I'd like to help, if I can. My email address is grace2all8@aol.com.<P>The article was written for the Washington Post health section. I found it on a site called The Other Woman.<P>Don't give up. There is a way out.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed <P>