I didn't know quite what to type for the subject and since most of my questions begin with "how" it seemed appropriate...<BR>1. My pain is actually unbearable. This isn't my first experience with infidelity but it is to this level of pain. I really don't know how to get by. I try to take it one day at a time then one moment at a time when necessary. But I find myself unable to be there for my kids, unable to be there for me even! I do eat and get sleep but that's really about all. My toddler's newest phrase is "Mommy cry". I know I have to be stronger for them or I will screw them up as badly as I am screwed up. So I need to ask ...HOW?<P>2. How do I continue to hope when I feel all hope is lost? The counselor tells me that H wants to work on the marriage for reasons I can't understand and yet H feels the woman he has fallen in love with is the woman of his dreams and the only downfall is they met too late.<P>3. Now knowing he feels this strongly for the other woman, I just can't even begin to accept the possibility of a future with him. I know "me", I'm always going to feel 2nd to her and that's just not the kind of marriage I want but what can I do? It's life. It's how it is. And though he didn't mean it, it did happen. How do I live with being #2? Even if he learns to live without her and to stop loving her, I now know I'm number 2. <P><BR>I'm really desperate for help. I hope someone will.

Hi Is There Hope?,<P>If your husband loved you before OW came into picture then it should be possible to love you again and be number one.<P>He is living a fantasy and once this bubble bursts he can learn to love you.<P>This is what they preach here and this is what I am going by. It just makes logical sense to me at this time of need. I hope this gives some hope to you. This OP is not reality and he will always have you in his mind if he loved you at all throughout your marriage. If he were to stay with OW you would be the haunting him. She may well end up #2.<P>Good Luck and Hang in There, I know its hard and I am having a bad night here with strange nightmares and dreams and wanting my h back so bad.<P>Pam<BR>

My H told me two months ago that he was "in-love" with a co-worker...It had been going on some time, but I hadn't known WHAT was wrong with him. He also told me he wanted to work on the marriage, despite the fact he was not "in-love" with me. <P>At this point, we are doing much, much better. He still feels "in-love" with her, altho says it is becoming easier to deal with; less strong. He does not feel "in-love" with me yet, tho he does feel he loves me, and that those other feelings are coming back. We talk a lot, spend time together, and feel closer than we have in a long while. Let me share with you part of what I wrote on another post...it might help:<P>I've spent a lot of time considering, is he here with me and "in recovery" because what we had/are regaining is "real" or because I have supported him thru this cr*p (withdrawal over OW)? Am I the "second choice"? It drove me nuts for a while, til I rejected this idea.<P>To me it came down to commitment. I am the one my H made a commitment to 18 years ago. He could have left when he fell "in-love" with the OW. But, he did not. He chose to stay with me, despite the fact that his pain was all-too-apparent. In fact, seeing the struggle it cost him to stay was one thing that convinced me he was worth falling in love with again. <P>To me, real love isn't butterflies in the stomach (though, we are finding those coming back, and they are lovely). It is what gets you through the years, when money is tight, children sick, cars broken, spirits low. It is loving and respecting the person, even when they prove weak and human and tempt-able.<P>When I thought about it that way, I decided I was not the "second choice", but the choice he'd made for a lifetime. JL's way of putting it...not a rebound, but a resurrection (of love)...is, to me, a perfect way of putting it.<P>Have hope--Things can get much, much better, and if he wants to work on it, that is a huge step in the right direction!!!<P>Kathi

Hello<P>Remember you were number 1 once and you can be number 1 again, as Pam said it takes time, once the bubble bursts you will soon be restored to you former number 1 postion, I also never thought I would get over my husbands infidelity but here I am almost a year later and I feel great, I truly have a marriage that is good in every sense of the word. I know its hard, but you will get there. Be strong lean on us when you need to.<P>Jenny <P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole

Dear Is There Hope?<P>Yes, there is hope.<P>You may feel like you are in a fog, but you have expressed yourself with surprising clarity. You are trying to deal with a pain that is more than you can bear. I know what that's like. I've been there. (See my post entitled, A Story of Hope...)<P>God allows us to go through times in our life where we are simply inadequate to the challenges we face. He does this for a reason. He wants us to turn to Him and lean on His strength, as opposed to relying on our own.<P>When I began my ordeal, I was fortunate. I already knew God, and had a relationship with Him. But that relationship was not yet what He wanted it to be. Having quickly recognized that I could not handle my wife having been unfaithful to me for three years, and having been in love with another man for over 6 years, I did the only thing I could. I threw myself at His feet, and cried, "Only you, Lord, can get me through this!"<P>In two months, I experienced nearly full recovery. <P>Do you know Him? If you don't but would like to, email me at grace2all8@aol.com. He changed the course of my life. He can change the course of yours.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed <P>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited March 14, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited March 14, 2000).]