Hello,<P>I would like to know from betrayers what frame of mind were they in when living with OP and telling S they would be home soon? <P>My H tells me he is coming home very soon. He left about two weeks ago for 2nd time after 3 months at home. Last week he told me he will come home but I have to be patient and wait. He told me it would be very soon. Very soon to me is today, a week later. I talked to him on phone on Monday and he said soon to be a month. This is so hard, last time he spent 5 months with her. What kind of frame of mind is he in? How am I suppose to talk to him? Sometimes I just feel like yelling at him to come home now, but I don't. I have been very patient and loving and very understanding of his turmoil, but I don't see him feeling for what I am going through. Is this normal of betrayers?<P>I wonder if he has started on home improvement project at her house. Last time I had to wait because of that. When I ask him he will not answer. I wonder if her kids are visiting from out of town. I had to wait for them to leave last summer because he did not want to leave her with them there. He left me in front of our own children and keeps leaving me with many home repairs that have gone unatended for a very long time. What gives here?<P>Any insight would help here, also from betrayed.<P>Thanks, Pam<p>[This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 14, 2000).]

Pinky,<P>I can't answer your question specifically, since I never lived with OM. But let me say this. When you are in an affair, you are capable of all most anything, because the addiction is so strong. You will lie, and deceive your S and your children to carry on the fantasy. One thing is for certain, and that is God would never bless that relationship, and will not let it stand. God is working in your H because he is doubting that relationship. I think that the one thing rings true on this board, whether you have faith or not, is patience.<BR>That is something I fight with all of the time, but it does help when others support me, and tell me to be patient. <P>Take care, Kevin

I feel sorry for you because he's playing games and it's your emotions at risk. Does he tell the OW that he plans on leaving in a week, month what ever? I doubt it. My guess is that he's stalling to see if him and the OW have a relationship and can make a go of it. If they can't or don't make a go of it, he wants you on the side-line so he has a place to go. If you have children he doesn't want to file for divorce and not succeed with the other woman. Then he's alone, paying child support and having visitation. He's playing a nasty head game with you and your allowing it because you want your marriage so darn bad. Please believe me, if he feels like you won't be there for him if he doesn't get his act together fast it may make up his mind real fast. The fact that he's even telling you that makes me believe that he is second guessing his relationship with this other woman, which is good for you. But right now your letting him have both. He can play house with her and when he gets tired of it you'll be ready to take him back. Giving him that much rope just tells him that he can always do that in your marriage when it gets stale or he's restless. Leave, have some fun and the wife will take me back. You deserve more respect then that. Sometimes it takes a man like that to have a clear vision of what divorce is like to snap them back into reality. If your getting on with your life telling him that you deserve better then that he may second guess his choices. Look at lonelymom on this board. She's getting on with her life and her husband is really starting to hate it! He's second guessing his decision big time and I really think that in the near future he's going to be crawling on his knee's begging her to take him back.

Ditto what Bonnie says!

Thanks for your replies Guard, BonnieSept, and Trying.<P>Guard, Thanks for words of encouragement. I have been trying to be as patient as possible and you just have your bad days.<P>Bonnie and Trying,<P>This is why I write this question, is he playing a game with me? I can't believe it because I know the real him, but he has been taken over by this bad force. As far as divorce goes, he had no problem filing last June when he left me that time. OW forced him to file and we both stopped it before he came back in Dec. Now with him gone again he has recieved pressure from her to file but told her to lay off. I told H to please not start that painful process for maybe a year because that was just very painful to face. He does agree with me.<P>Thanks again all of you and I will hang in there.<P>Pam

Pinky: I have never left home for an OM, but I almost did. Like your spouse, I was confused and with the added pressure of the OW for him to divorce does not help his case at all. Yes, he is playing head games with you, but I don't think he is fully aware that he is doing it. I think in his mind he's confused and wanting to keep his foot in both doors just in case the other does not work. As long as the OW is pulling his strings, he will continue to struggle with confusion. As for you, take care of yourself. Don't let yourself be drugged down with him if you can help it. I know it is painful for you, but you have got to keep yourself together. Do something nice for yourself. Remember you are worth it. My prayers are with you.

Thanks Sobeit,<P>Should I talk to him about how I feel that he could be playing head games with me? Or would this set him back further from me?<P>Thanks again for reply, Pam

as a betrayer, i will tell you this. When he is with you he wants you, when he is away from you he wants her. BUT, he also wants his cake and eat it too. He will tell you what ever he thinks you want to hear. ANYTHNG!!! Because he knows you do want the marriage he will tell you he does too in case the other relationsip doesn't work out. In order for our relationships to work, the NO CONTACT MUST BE THE ULTIMATE RULE if your marriage is to work.<P>I(I) would file for the divorce and move on. If at a future time he can make a healthy break from the OW and respect you and himself enough to try again, then so be it. Otherwise for the children, give them as much stability as possible. <P>good luck.

Mercy say's it best. This has been an ongoing thing with him in and out of the house and your life (romantically that is). You can't save this man, and if you continually try, then you will continually go down with the ship and that is what is happening to your strength and love. How do you know for sure that the OW is pressuring him to divorce? You have to look with BOTH eyes open. You have tried to save him, now it is time to save yourself for your own sanity.

Dear friend: I never understood the "cake" thing especially if the cake is designed for consumption. Oh well on to more important items. I will agree with the others, take care of yourself. Your spouse will drag you down if you allow him to. He is trying to hold on to both you and OW. No can do, he must make a decision. This is not a commune or another country that a man or woman is expected to have concubines/wives/husbands for breeding purposes. This is a relationship between two individuals who initially committed to each other as a result of love, friendship, commonalities or differences. He has issues that he has to sort through and I am sorry to tell you, but you cannot help him other than be there for him as support from one friend to another. Do not get so wrapped up in his issues or you will, as the other person stated go down with the ship. You can still show your love and support and at the same time let him know(firmly) that he will not continue to hurt you either. Tough love. I know because my spouse showed me tough love. He loved me, but let me know that I had hurt him deeply and he couldn't continue to let the hurt go on. Talk about learning a tough lesson. Also, in return, I let him know what I was feeling and why I went the route I did. So communication has to be initiated. I wish you much luck! Tonight - a bag of popcorn, funny movie, cumpfy clothes, houseshoes. Enjoy!