Would you grant a perfect stranger, someone whose parenting style conflicted with yours, someone who wanted no more than a superficial relationship with your kids, someone who hated your guts, equal power over your children's educational, social, and medical future? Even a blood relative? <P>Yet that is exactly what happens when you have kids with a spouse. There is a significant risk that the person to whom you are married will change into a complete stranger, will reject what they currently believe about parenting as well as everything else. Why does anyone get married? Is it because they, like I, was not aware that this sort of thing happened? Why don't they teach this in parenting classes? Why don't they warn people in pre-marital classes? Why????

Most people do not morph into totally different people.<P>Some do, temporarily, due to MLC or affair. Most of what I;ve read says that the majority of these will return to their original values after a time of sorting out.<P>Some DO morph into totally different people, and don't come back. I do not blame you for feeling angry and betrayed--sounds like you have VERY GOOD cause to do so. But, don;t let it take over your personality. Are you in counseling, or getting any support for yourself? Meanwhile, vent away, and we'll listen!!!<P>Be sure you have the chance to deal with your anger, so that you will be able to put this behind you at some point. Anger, even when fully justified, isn't something you want to carry forever.<P>ehugs--<P><BR>

Nellie,<BR>I'll tell you one thing...when I get through this mess it will never happen again!!!<BR>I didnt like the ride this time I sure wont stand in line for it to happin again.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

I know what you mean! My H has completely changed his outlook on parenting to his white trash sister's way. You know, beat the kids for every reason because "they deserve it". At least he is only my daughter's step-dad so he hasn't had any contact with her since the separation (his choice).<P>

Nellie,<BR> I watched"The Invasion of the Body Snatchers" the other night.I keep telling you,Nellie,it's aliens.Why won't you believe me! --Murph

Sorry guys, but when/if I have kids, my first question will be "Where is the nearest adoption agency or sperm bank?". I see what so many people here are going through (including a few relatives of mine) who have divorced with children and I say NO THANKS. This is not bitterness. It is from my own experience, and watching those of others. I don't need to get run over by a car to prove to myself that it is dangerous to stand in the road!<P>Nellie, <BR>my dad asked me why I got married if I didn't want kids, and he and my mom have been married for 37 years. Now I wonder why anyone gets married too, kids or not. It is so easy to get a divorce. Why bother?

see 3rd post! I got confused with this editing thing<p>[This message has been edited by willbok99 (edited March 14, 2000).]

Murphy,<P>I am so totally with you! I think my h was abducted by aliens and now I have to deal with his replacement! I am now going to call him E.T. I wish he would phone home! LOL!!!<P>Woozy

sorry, repeated myself<p>[This message has been edited by willbok99 (edited March 14, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by willbok99:<BR><B>Nellie,<P>I still believe that marriage is a commitment and hard work, and that had my H not morphed into this schizzo being, we would still be happily married.<P>I do not think most of us in long marriages were married to strangers, they just became strange because of their issues which unfortunately turned the whole family unit upside down<P>Why marry...as the family unit is nuclear today as opposed to extended, with few relatives at ones side with the movement of people from place to place, it does offer the best "nest" IF one desires to "go forth and multiply". It also means a commitment for life, and is supposed to mean the unconditional love for a spouse. So I wholeheartedly believe in marriage...but since I would never have any more children, I will, if the opportuniy ever presents itself,NEVER marry again. For me it would be unnecessary, but I truly hope that each one of my 4 children, having gone through this mess, will choose carefully and find someone to spend their life with, married and working on this most important commitment ever throughout their hopefully long and happy lives.<BR>I would also like to see them marry to ensure that they have learnt from their parent's mistakes and been able to commit to one person. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hey Nellie,<P>I married a second time because I thought this was it, I finally got it right. We had so much in common and I really expected to spend the rest of my earthly life with her. I found my match. I wanted to share growing old with the someone special in my heart. I enjoyed being with her if there was an activity going on or not. We could just sit there with no conversation and be content, or so I thought. Guess that was a while ago. <P>I married for my complete love for her body and soul, not my or our happiness. I wake up happy. OK, I used to. I WILL AGAIN! Big turn off for the first XW.<P>You have to find happiness from and within yourself, NOT in our situations or marriages. No one car truely make you happy.<P>I'm rambling,<P>You want to feel close to some one in this physical being. We all need love. We all want love. We all deserve love. It is out there for the asking. Life is full of choices.<P>It is up to us to make those choices.<P>Tim

I only have a couple of minutes to respond right now - I will respond individually later. Thank you for all of the replies.<P>I used to think that it was unfair to bring children into the world with only one parent. Now I know that it is far more unfair to have them grow to love both parents, only to have one parent leave. <P>Last night I had to peel my littlest one off of her father so he could leave, as she screamed for him. He held her for several minutes, but her screaming did not abate. She continued to cry for a long time after he left.<P>I had a hard time fighting back the tears. He didn't show much emotion, though there was a hint of a catch in his voice. I have no idea how someone could do that to a child.<BR>

Nellie,<P>I can't see myself ever marrying again myself. Going through a divorce with a fantasy land husband and his snake in the grass laywer, will do it. They and our court system have a way of reducing a marriage to a contract and a piece of paper.<P>Some people do change, for the worse. Some people, I believe just aren't cut out to be parents. We may subconsciencely think they will change, or feel differently, but some people just make bad parents. <P>WHen I first read your post, I thought you were speaking of an OW marrying your H ! Hope you are doing well.<P>Dana<BR>

Medic238,<P>I married for a second time for the same reasons. I agree with you (theoretically) that noone can "make" us happy. Problem is, we don't exist in a vacuum. All of us are affected by the behavior of other people, and certainly those we've chosen to spend our lives with. <P>yes, we all want love, we all need love. But it is not out there for the "asking". If it were, then none of us would be here posting. True love is very rare, and seems to becoming more and more elusive because alot of us do not have strong communities or extended families like it was in the past. I do admire your positive outlook, but really, how many times do you want to be married?

I am of the opinion that my H has been taken over by aliens. I can't find any other "rational" explanation. His OW is the Queen Bee of the alien colony. She says jump, he asks how high. Kind of frightening ain't it? <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

kam,<P>Unfortunately, I think that many, people do morph into completely different people. Either that, or they manage to hide the fact that they are lying for a quarter of a century or more. I have read too many stories of people leaving their spouses after very long marriages to not realize that it is not uncommon. I just wish I'd read those stories before I married. <P>LMS,<P>I have to agree.<P>teddy bear,<P>This is not just about a spouse falling in love with someone else. When I fell in love with my H, I didn't suddenly believe everything he believed just because he did. <P>Murph,<P>I wish it were!<P>TheStudent,<BR>No one yet has given me any reason to think that children are better off ever having two parents, when the risk is so terribly high that one of them will leave.<P>Willbok,<P>The trouble is it doesn't matter how carefully you choose, not if you can't depend on people's personality and value system remaining constant. You might as well choose almost randomly.<P>Tim,<P>It is fine if someone wants to risk marrying as long as they don't have kids. We may be responsible for our own happiness, but in many ways we ARE responsible for the happiness of our children as well. We are responsible for protecting them from cruelty. And allowing another person to have that much potential to destroy the children's happiness is, I have decided, irresponsible.<P>lonelymom,<P>Perhaps my H wasn't cut out to be a parent, but you would have thought it wouldn't have taken 25 years for that to have become evident. <P>Keridwen,<P>It is more than scary - it is evil.<P>

I may have married my H bout if I knew that this would be doing to my kids I would never of had kids to start with...<B>dont get me wrong or take that the wrong way</B> I would never give my kids up for anything but I also thought that my H would walk throught hell its self before he would hurt them...My D is a daddys girl always has been, now she sees him every three months(his choice) he has seen her when she has a night terror and only wants him to touch her she screams for him...last visit he was witness to this, he knows our son is acting out at school because of his confushion and anger...he tells me they will grow out of it, I tell you this is not the man who I have only seen cry twice and that was when our kids came into this world. this is not the father I had in mind to show my kids what love is. he is living 4000 miles away (his choice again by makeing us leave) I dont know who this man is I have never seen him before in my life...but in a few hours I will see my baby run into his arms and call him daddy just for him to leave and break her little heart, I tought my son to ride his bike just so he can show his daddy he can. this man wnt even go have a pizza with them tonight because he wants to hang out with his brother.<BR>I'm sorry to be venting but right now I am a mess <P>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net <p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited March 15, 2000).]

LMS,<P>I would really like someone to explain to me how a person can leave a child who is begging them to stay. I would really like someone to explain to me how anyone could give up a life with their children for a life with an OP.<P>

nellie,<BR>I dont know but he did just as I said he would...not even an hour after he got here he left.our D (is 2)started crying when he got in the car she went to go after him I picked her up and she started screaming for her daddy, he didnt even look at her and drove off, I have a room he could of stayed in but he said he had plains. I would like to know where my H is, the real one, not this cold uncaring [censored] that will come and go again tomorrow.<P>I just dont know him anymore,this makes me wonder if I ever did.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net