Friends,<BR>This Friday, I'm moving to another state to start a new job, primarily to get away from the OW so that our marriage can survive. I'm sure this is an answer to a lot of prayers. I know this is the right thing to do. I know, understand, and believe in Harley's principles. (Haven't practiced them well, however.) I have many things to be thankful for: a good new job; my house sold in just a week after putting it on the market; my wife is doing great keeping her part of the bargain in helping our marriage survive. But I feel horrible. Maybe I'm an ungrateful wretch. The problem? I'm still addicted to the OW who has fallen in love with me. I'm more in love with her than I am with my wife.<BR>Telling the OW that I was moving out of state was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. I just cannot (will not) bring myself to write "the letter". It would devastate her more than she already is. I feel like a wretch hurting her in this way. I feel like I'm doing the right things, but my heart isn't in it. I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but this hurts! I'm depressed. I feel dread and anxiety, not about the new job, but about this rubber-band existence between two women in my life-one I should love, but don't and one I do love but shouldn't. Thanks for reading.<P>Pilgrim<BR>

Pilgrim,<P>Time and distance is what is required. The pain will reduce. Work on the Harley methods as you go through withdrawl.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Pilgrim: <BR>Thanks for your post.. You just took a great step in the right direction....!!! <P>I want to give you some encouragement as my h was in the same position as you about 10 months ago.. It took him about 6 months total to really start feeling good, but that was part because he kept "slipping" and would have contact with ow.. Withdrawal started over each time,, it was true.. It was more difficult for him because the ow worked with him.. so he changed shifts,, that helped, but they still would run into each other,, and it was so addictive to my h. Then ow bought a house around the corner from us,, made it more difficult on h again.... He slipped a couple of times,, but he overall kept making progress until finally he was over her.. He now feels a lot better,, We just sold our home and will be moving about 1/2 hr. away which will help even more...<P>My h had it real bad,, he lived with ow for 2 months, and was really crazy during this time.... He has made it though...We are making it... I will give it another 6 months or so to get the rest of the crap out of his system...<P>Pilgrim... It takes time,, and this is the most important investment of your life,,, You will have to trust this.... it is true.. you can do this.... be patient..<P>Moving away will really help too!!!! I sometimes wish we could have done that... Especially when everything was so difficult.<P>Does your wife know about the affair? How was your marriage before the affair? Do you know what needs were not met and have you told your wife about these and have you given her an opportunity to meet them?<P>Best wishes!! I am pulling for you!

Dear Pilgrim,<P>You've done some things that make you think less of yourself. This is a choice that goes a long way toward confirming who you really are.<P>Emotions lie. It's that simple. There are times in life when we must act based on what we know the truth is, rather than what we feel.<P>'In love' is not real love. It is an irrational state which causes us to feel and act against our true natures. The world tells us that being 'in love' is the best thing in the world. Nothing could be farther from the truth.<P>'In love' is about getting, usually getting certain emotion needs met. True love is about giving, often sacrificially. 'In love' is effortless, in fact we really have little choice. True love is a conscious choice. 'In love' tells us we 'have arrived'. True love is about growing and helping the one we love to grow. 'In love is a fantasy, where we distort the truth about someone because the truth doesn't matter as long as we keep feeling that 'in love' high. True love sees the flaws and loves anyway. 'In love' NEVER lasts. According to experts, it usually fades in less than two years, leaving only bitter questions. True love can last a lifetime.<P>You have made the right choice in exchanging the lie that feels good, for the truth, even though right now you don't feel that way. Intellectually, I hope this helps you better understand what is really happening in your life. Emotionally, it may not help at all.<P>I don't know where you are in your relationship with God, but He is the only one who can free you from your addiction. Human will power is useless. You made a conscious decision to give in to temptation. You are now what the bible calls 'a slave to sin.' Try as hard as you want to stop feeling the way you do. It doesn't matter, does it? You have given away emotional control. Only He can give you back what you gave away.<P>If you recognize that what I have shared is the truth, please email me at grace2all8@aol.com and I will help you take the next step. The choice is yours, writhe helplessly in emotional torment, but hang on to an illusion of self-sufficiency, or surrender to God, who is waiting to free you, but will not act until you come to Him on His terms.<P>It's up to you...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P><p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited March 15, 2000).]

Mickey,<BR>Thanks for your "real life" story of encouragement. Right now this is sooo hard. OW is constantly on my mind.<P>Read my profile. It tells a very difficult breakdown of a marriage. It slowly dawned on me that my marriage was on the rocks and we were living as married singles. Her needs were not being met because my job required me to be on call and I was hardly ever home, and when I was home I was tired, cranky and not much fun to be with. So we grew apart. When I realized this, and tried to make the necessary changes (changed job responsibilities so I didn't have to take call, tried to be more attentive, romantic) she wasn't interested and told me so. Hurt, I warned her that if she didn't take me and our marriage seriously, I would find someone who would make me a priority in their life. She made no effort, so I approached a divorced, single friend and we were off and running. I felt better about myself, felt more alive, more IN LOVE than I had in years. Wife found out about affair, angrily made changes to suit me and get me back in the marriage, and now I still want OW. It's crazy! I sincerely believe that I would have left the marriage were it not for the fact that we have a 10 year old daughter I don't want to lose. This has been going on about a year now, and we are far from out of the woods, but we are trying and paying a BIG price.<P>Crushed - I am a Christian. I have tried feebly on several occasions to go to God and renew my faith but I guess I've let my stubborness, anger, pride, and selfishness get in the way. My efforts to change don't last long.<P>Thanks again.<P>Pilgrim

Pilgrim,<P>Good luck in your new job and new life. I hope you will keep us updated.<P>I am not an expert on withdrawal, as I am the betrayed wife, however, I know and understand it to be a long hard road and you sound like you are just getting started on it. In a few months you will not think of the OW the way you do now.<P>I respect and commend you for doing the right thing here. I don't like to see anyone give up on marraige. Give it time, keep with the program and you will see the results you need.<P>Prayers are out to you today, Dana<BR>

Hi Pilgrim<P>Good luck with your new job and new home and renewed marriage.<P>Yes it hurts, unless people are total jerks affairs always hurt, usually everybody. You hurt, the OW hurts, your wife hurts. Well it's hard to believe but hurts do heal and they will heal faster if you cut off all contact and don't pick at the hurt. <P>It sounds like you and your wife have a way to go yet, but I am passionately interested in my husband (in a variety of ways) after an extended period of distance.<BR>It can be done. <P>Best wishes to you all.