I guess today is going to be one of those down days. I have been living in my house with my W who is completely uninterested in saving our marriage. In fact, she continues to talk to the OM on IM almost nightly after I go to bed. I lay in my bed reading my bible and praying to God to end this terrible pain through his will, and then I here the modem burst from the computer and feel like God isn't listening. Yet I continue to pray. <P>I know my wife is deeply into her affair, and to her this is the way it has to be for her to be "happy" with her life. I know she "loves" him and he I'm sure professes his love to her. So I lay in bed and ask myself; why should I try to denigh her her "happiness"? Maybe she would find lifelong happiness with him, maybe I would be better off without her.<P>I have read all the books and I know that what they have is unlikely to last. They might fall into the 1% that make it, but I don't know if I have the strenght to continue. We have hardly talked this week. Not because I'm mad at her anymore, I've accepted the fact that she is sleeping with him. It's more because I am afraid of what I might say. I do love her still, God help me. How do we do it? Love someone who uses and abuses our love for them in such a selfish way?<P>My heart tells me to run from all this pain, but I have two wonderful girls that Love me and need me and for them I stay. It is so hard for them too. They love thier mother, but IMHO she is not able to care for them and meet thier needs by her self. When my W was gone for a month, the girls and I did great together. Now that she is home, both my girls are starting to throw horrible tantrums again and show the signs of stress that kids do. My W's OM is young and doesn't have any kids. I'm afraid that if she gets custody of them that "he" will screw them up emotionally or she will divote so much time to her relationship with him that she will neglect them. Ultimately, I think that the children would be the downfall of their relationship. My fear is that if she has to choose between them and him, the girls will lose. That is the depth of her addiction. No child deserves that, do they?<P>I think that there is a chance that that my wife or the OM are lurking here, but I don't care anymore. I hope someday my W's eyes are opened to the distruction she has caused the people who love her and that she can live with that pain.<P>Thanks for listening<P>Brent

I am sorry you are feeling so down. It seems a real slap in the face having your w there and "in love" with the OM.<P>I am kindof in the same place except my H is not living here. He's not living with the OW eiththr but spends almost his whole day with her so he gets a big "fix"<P>He is unwilling to let her go either. I don't have many choices.<P>I am trying to take care of myself and the kids. I am also making plans for myself after a certain time period.<P>I don't know about you, but I don't think I was so bad as a spouse.

Brent,<P>First let me say that someone cares. I care, and the most important thing is that God does care. I know your feeling of hopelessness, but God makes all things possible. The hope that I give you this morning, is that I was where your W is now. Right now, just rest in the comfort of God's love for you, and I know how very difficult it is, but try to push all the bad thoughts out of your mind right now, and fill them with good thoughts, such as your children. I have to go to Bible study, but I will check back with you later. I will pray for you and your family.<P>Take care, Kevin

Brent I am sorry you are feeling so down.<P>I don't have much advice except maybe, as you are doing, put your pain in the perspective as you are doing what is best for the girls?<P>I realize that probably doesn't help, but maybe it will make it more bearable.<P>Why did your wife return back home? Could you set up some guidelines or attempt to talk about anything?<P>I need to search your story, I can't answer completely since I am not sure what is going on.<P>Give Em and Meg a hug though and know you are doing what is best for them.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Brent,<P>Sorry to hear your down today. It sounds like a terrible feeling. I read these posts and am glad I didn't go through that. What I went through was horrible, but at least it was done and over, he just left and never came back. <P>I couldn't imagine living and accepting the affair under my nose like that. <P>Prayers to you, Dana<BR>

Brent,<P>you must hurt so much. I think that the pain is something we all have to experience deeply, as part of coming to grips with our situations. And yet you must feel that the pain has no end in sight.<P>As you pray, remember this. I have not seen or heard anyone dscribe God reaching out to fix these tragic situations directly. To ask for that can only lead to even deeper hurt, as you question your own faith. Instead, ask for the wisdom to decide how you should act, and the strength to carry it out. And look to wise friends or a counselor for support. We are each made in God's image, and it is through each of us that God acts to help those in need.<P>May God bless you, and your children and your wife.<P>-StillTrying

Brent:<BR> I wish I had some wisdom to offer. I cannot imagine how I would deal with such an awful situation under my own roof.<BR> You might be interested in this post...some parallels to your story hit me. K still posts here sometime... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000143.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000143.html</A> <P>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi

Brendt,<P>I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. You sound like you have your priorities straight: children first. But don't forget to take care of yourself; eat, sleep, exercise, and have a life.<P>As for your wife, forget about you trying to fix her 'cause it in't gonna happen, buddy!<BR>Only she can fix herself and it doesn't sound like it's going to happen any time soon. Why not? Because she is having her cake and eating it, too! She's having her exciting affair, while you are doing all the work holding the family together. She isn't being fair to you, that's obvious. But you aren't being fair to yourself either.<P>Go read the article on Plan A/Plan B right now. If you have already read it, then read it again. Then tell your wife she has 2 choices and nothing else:<P>PLAN A: She lives at home and works on the marriage with absolutely no contact with OM.<P>or,<P>PLAN B: SHE moves out, she can see the OM all she wants, but no contact with you or the kids. None.<P>She will probably opt for PLAN B. It will be hard on you, but it can't be worse than what you have right now. After a while, the thrill of the affair will wear off, she and the OM will get on each other's nerves, (affair relationships are not built on very solid foundations) and she will start to think her marriage was pretty good after all. Then she will ask to come back home.<P>Meanwhile, you will be feeling much better about yourself, the kids will be in a stable home life and you will be able to act from a center of love, integrity and self-respect.<P>Good luck, be strong.<BR>Kenneth

Brent, <P>Checking back to see if you are here, I agree with Kenneth's opinion on that one. Dana<BR>