Just wondering how you are doing these days. Seen a few posts & sorry if I missed the "main event." Your H posted about it & I was wondering what your thinking about all of this is.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris, good to hear from you. I'm pretty much a lurker myself these days. It is strange to have my H reading my posts and he's going way back in time with them. <P>Let me start out with one of my counselor's analogies (paraphrased as well as I remember it):<P>"Lor, if I sat next to you and hit you firmly on the leg and said I was sorry, but I kept hitting you every minute, pretty soon, that spot would get sore, then bruised and painful. The "sorry" wouldn't mean much and I wouldn't have to hit you as hard to make it hurt more. If I had hit you long enough, a brush of my fingers would hurt. Then, even if I quit hitting you, you'd probably still flinch if I moved like I would hit you. I could walk out of the room and you'd tense if I came back in because you wouldn't know if I would hit you again."<P>That's me with Guard and I am also probably a textbook case of staying in Plan A too long. I did try to go to B at least 3 times, but didn't last more than a few days at most.<P>Anyone whose spouse has been unfaithful knows the incredible pain of it. Anyone whose spouse has left them as well, knows even more hurt. Guard started his affair about 2 years ago, flirted with her much longer than that, they have known each other thru work for at least a decade and were on a pool team together 4 or 5 years ago. He was still emailing her last month (yes, Kev, I know you say you didn't send it, but you were still writing it when I saw it). But basically, he never lost contact with her for more than a couple weeks, even when he said there wasn't any, or minimalized what there was.<P>MARITAL RECONCILIATION WITH BETRAYER CONTACT WITH OP HUGELY DECREASES THE CHANCE THAT IT WILL WORK!<P>We've been separated at least 7 times for over 12 months total. He left me the last time over 2 months ago and I'm still flinching, tense, and expecting new hurt. Trust is so gone. The lovebank is a shotgun blast through my chest (metaphorically speaking).<P>Thus the divorce papers. Even though in person and in his posts he is a "new man in God's will". A year ago, in front of our pastor, he swore to both of us that he would never follow the Enemy's path again. It has been another year of hell, so I'm not so sure about Guard's sincerity. I do know he is trying and wants another chance. I have given him so many another and last chances. I know you would love to have the chances I've had with Guard, with Donna. But I did not squander them, he rejected me. I'm exhausted. Even now, he promises me this "beautiful new life together"...and all the things he promises are things he has broken his promises about as recently as Dec-Feb. Triggers for my hurt, anger, pain, sorrow, unforgiveness...until recently I hadn't felt bitter, but I do now. As you know, when the bad holiday memories start to go into mulitple years...there gets to be very little that doesn't hurt. <P>I don't regret trying to make my marriage work and I don't think I would/could do anything differently, other than squelch some more LB's and try a little harder to make Plan B work. But I would never do this for another relationship. I know far more about myself, faith, and relationships, and that is good...so God does work to good all things for those that love Christ.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited March 15, 2000).]

Lor, I wasn't questioning your reasoning behind the filing, but more of "where are you at emotionally" with all of this. Enough is enough. I totally understand.<P>Yeah, I understand the analogy.<P>I have heard it takes something like 5 years to get over a divorce. Do we ever really get over it? With a marriage, especially as long as we have had, there is always going to be <I>something</I> there.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris, I guess the defensiveness in the last post relates to having just read Guard's thread where a female poster said she wished he was her H. Made me mad. I do realize she probably meant that she wishes her H would have the kind of turn around he shows in his posts...<P>Emotionally...I'm all over the map, yesterday I felt great, a kind of peace even, today I feel like I should go work for a meat packing plant so I could wield knives . Mostly I feel sad, frustrated. This isn't where I wanted to end up.

Lori, I am so sorry for all of the hurt and the pain, and that it keeps coming back to you. I do wish that I could go back in time and change all that I did to you and to the girls. I can not change what I did, I can only change who I am through Christ. Even though I have given all of my trust over to the Lord, I still have trials that I must take to him every hour of every day. I choose to abide in Christ and I choose that until evening, and then at that time, I choose to abide in him until morning, and then I get up and choose to abide in him again. There will always be attacks on we as christians. I know that God let me make decisions to put me into the place I am right now, just as he has let you make decisions. I would have never been able to recognize Christ's sufficiency until I failed. "Until I felt my weakness, His strength, I never knew...". <P>I can only continue to walk in the light, and pray that God's Love will be sufficient enough to help you heal from the deep wounds that I have cut into you. I read your past posts to help me remember what I did to you and to try to fathom the pain I have put you through. I could not do this before, because I was not strong enough to see what a dispicable person that I was. Only through God's loving Grace and laying all of my sins down at the foot of the cross, am I able to even come on this board and testify to others, and emplore them not to give in to the temptations placed before them (Please search my name and read my posts to others warning of continued contact with OP, and what I have done to my family). I would give up anything earthly to calm your anger, pay any pennence for my mistreatment of you and my daughters. I would quit my job today, move anywhere, if you would say the word. The only things that matter to me in this world is my love of Christ, my undying and unconditional love of you, and my love of my daughters. Nothing else matters. In my weakness, I forsaked all that was the reason for my existance on this earth, for material gratification of my flesh. Now I ask each and every day for God to direct my path and guide my steps. Lor I can't make you promises, because I have as you say "cried wolf too many times" and I know that you can not trust me. I must let God do that work. All that I can do is to continue to live as a new creation in Christ's image. I can not prove to you any of these things, only God will be able to speak to you of what you see is real, and only he can release you from your pain and anguish. I am so sorry for my weakness for that flesh, but the spirit does renew my soul each and every day, and am a work in progress of God molding and shaping me. <P>Lori, my prayers are for God to give you peace and rest from this. I used to cry out to God all of the time, WHY? Why am I doing this? Why, God when I pray to you, don't you do something? Why are you not saving me when I call for you? But, he was doing something, I just couldn't see it, and wouldn't believe it. He has given me peace from that torture. <P>I now live my life only to serve him, and to serve you and the girls. I will love you always, no matter where God leads you, or where he leads me. <P>Love, Kevin<P><p>[This message has been edited by Guard (edited March 15, 2000).]

Lor, <BR>Hate to cut in on your private conversation, but I guess that is the forum way I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My pastor once said to me that if my h keeps doing the things he is doing, eventually I will hate him. I know that hate is a very ugly word and at this point takes way too much energy to do but hate is very close to love. Don't need to be defensive about anything you have done. If Guard is reading all of your old posts don't feel one bit bad. It might do him some good to what you have actually gone through. Don't defend anything that you have said that is what you felt at the time. Do what you have to do. It has been a long road and I think with women, once we get to the point of no return, it takes a miracle to make us go back. Keep us posted on how you are doing because we really do miss you. It has to be hard that you had this space for so long all to yourself and now Guard has to come here. I just pray that it will be good for Guard and he will learn the things he needs to learn.

Guard,<BR>I think all of your talk of relying on God is the only way to repair the damage done to Lor. Right now it is time to put some action to the words. How did Jesus accomplish his ministry? It was by action so much more than by words. Only through Christ can you overcome the obstacles that are before you. I hope you continue to have no contact with ow. Make you life an open book to Lor. Right now she doesn't want to read the book, but it needs to be open. Get to work Guard!