I have been married for only three months. <P>I don't believe I am "in love" with my H. <P>I only knew him for 1 month before we married, which makes me believe that it is possible to grow to love him, once I've known him longer...<P>I know I never should have married him if I wasn't in love, but I guess it's too late to worry about that, isn't it?<P>Anybody out there with any ideas at all, PLEASE HELP ME! Should I try to make the best of this, or should I get out now, before it gets even harder?

Laura<P>I'm so sad for you....<P>I don't think one month is long enough to fall in love. <P>some believe in love at first sight, but I think lust at first sight is a better description of that emotion.<P>have you read the Harley explaination of love? if you haven't then please go read them and then come back here and post again.<P>If you have read them, you probably have a better understanding of love.<P>I don't think you can make the choice to fall in love with your husband.<P>Your love for him will be affected by the way he treats you. <P>If he continues to deposit Love Units, then yes you will love him. If he withdraws Love units then that's a whole different story.<P>there are several questions you must answer...<P>do you want the marriage to last?<P>are you willing to work for the marriage to last?<P>is your husband willing to work to make the marriage a good one?<P>talk to your husband, find out if you both want to make a good marriage. <P>we can give you the information that you need, but you are the one who must decide what you want and then work to make it happen.<P>Keo<P>(corrected spelling mistake)<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited March 14, 2000).]

Dear Laura-e: Alot will depend on you. Some arranged marriages have happy endings. However, I couldn't tell you if 3 months is long enough to know if you are or not. Maybe you can start off with a friendship and see where it takes you. Find commonalities that you both enjoy. I know it's easier said than done, but if you do not like the person you're with, then your marital destiny may already be set. Was there something or events that contributed to your turnaround? When I was in high school so many centuries ago, I started out liking a fella and after a few months of him slobbering all over me, I dropped him like a hot potato. When I met my spouse, also many centuries ago a short time after we entered the realm of hormones, I somehow felt that this guy was the one. Plus, he wasn't a slobberer. I know this sounds gross, but if he farted or his nose was running during cold weather, it did not bother me at all. To me, he was everything. No guy, I ever dated, slept with ever had such an impact on me. In fact, if a guy even so much as acted goofy, I was outta there. Yet, my spouse and I had marital problems and are now working on our marriage. Still, through all of the turmoil, I had no problem with his dirty socks. I won't feel bad if you laugh on my account. But that was the way, my internal/external self knew that I could live with this person for life or at least a long time. I don't even touch my kids dirty socks which are deadly by the way. Good luck to you on whatever route you take. As I said earlier, it will depend on you and if it is he you want to spend a long time with.

Thanks for responding, Keo and Sobeit!<P>My H seems like a really great guy. Nothing has happened to make me change my mind about him. I've felt this way since the begining. What has brought this ugly mess out, is that I see a larger and larger discrepancy between the way I believe he feels for me and the way I feel for him (I think he feels like he loves me and depends on me more and more all the time, but I have all the same doubts I've always had about us).<P>I obviously didn't know him well when we made this commitment to each other.<P>I had just been divorced 6 mos. earlier. I was (am) young and stupid, and let fears convince me to marry: I have a two year old son and didn't want him to grow up without a father; I felt intimidated by the lack of financial security being married gives you; I felt like I needed a man to justify my self worth; I was afraid he would leave if I didn't commit when he asked me to; and many other ridiculous things like that, all horrible reasons to get married, I know.<P>As for whether I want the marriage to work or not, I'm not entirely sure. I know I don't want to hurt him; I know I don't want the stigma attached to being divorced twice at age 21; I know I still want the finacial security; I believe he is a good man and an incredible father. I just don't know if I am really inspired by him, you know?<P>I am not intrigued by his work nor stimulated by his conversations. I do not enjoy those activities that he enjoys. I love debates but feel like he just changes his mind to agree with whatever I say, a quality that I cannot stand!<P>If I can decide that I want to work things out, I am most definitely willing to do it. I believe he would, too, if he felt I truly loved him. If I were honest, though, and told him I'm not sure, but I want to try, I'm certain he would leave me (I once tried to test the waters and he became extremely upset and emotional -packed his things and called his mom to tell her we were divorcing. It took me a long while to convince him that the question was merely hypothetical...<P>I feel trapped by my dishonesty. I don't want to continue lying, but I can't bring myself to initiate this conversation again.<P>Is it wrong to continue to tell him I love him, that I always want to be with him, when, in fact, I'm not sure? If I believe there is a chance for my feelings for him to grow and change, is it best that I not hurt him by saying something so cruel?<P>I feel like an actress every day. I need some help so I can start being myself again!!<BR>Thank you all for caring...<BR>

I wasn't going to say anything because I don't want my own confused mind to screw you up. But after reading your last post, I felt I had to say something. I COMPLETELY understand getting married because you want your child to have a positive father figure/role model. I've been there, done that. (Still doing that and still wondering if I should continue) I've been married to him for almost 9 years now. For a while things were OK and as my son got older I got more and more aware that my marriage just didn't feel 'right'. I pulled away from my H emotionally for two years and finally when I couldn't take feeling like a fraud anymore I told him how I feel (or don't feel). We're in counseling now and I'm bending the ear of folks on this board trying to figure out what to do next. At least now we both know where we are coming from and we can explore it from there.<P>It was the people on this board that convinced me that I needed to be totally honest with him, but most importantly with myself. This total honesty stuff is a good thing. I was afraid of it at first, but after trying it, I know first hand that it's good. If you're having these doubts now and don't address them, you are headed for one hell of a rocky road in the future. (I know this from experience!) <P>My advice to you is to get the two of you into counseling to explore whether the relationship should continue or not. Maybe you rushed into it and just needed to give it more time before making the commitment. Maybe you should separate and go back to dating for a while. I'm just throwing out ideas. Others on this board may blast me for what I'm saying, but I'm just brainstorming here.<P>Whether you decide any of these ideas is the right thing to do or not, you do have to address your concerns. You need to tell him what your feelings are or you are not being fair to either of you. <P>Talk about it. Get counseling.<P>I hope this helps in some small way.

Truthseeker,<P>Thank you so much for responding! I feel so relieved to know that I am not the only person in the world who feels this way!!<P>It also helps to know that after 9 yrs of marriage you still feel that way... I had kind of hoped that I would just "learn" to love him, or that time would bring me to where I need to be emotionally in this relationship.<P>When you said your marriage just didn't feel 'right', it described EXACTLY how I feel! There is nothing I strongly dislike about my H, I just don't feel 'right' being married to him.<P>I want to feel right. I want to love him as much as he loves me. You've helped me realize that this can't just happen; I will have to be completely honest with him and begin working from there.<P>But when do I tell him? He is recovering from a surgery at this moment, when he goes back to work he will have to face the burden of having missed a week in addition to his already demanding schedule... I just feel like it would be so inconsiderate to bring up something so detrimental to his well-being in the middle of all of this!<P>I have read almost every thread on htis sight. You all have such good advice. I TRULY appreciate any and all responses to my question.

laura_e,<P>Have you read all of TruthSeekers threads? If not, you should do so. Many things are possible but they all take work and some risk.<P>Read her threads in the Why Women Leave Men section and you will get a much better idea of what you are dealing with and what can be done.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you for your idea, John.<P>How do I find all of Truth Seeker's threads? Are they in general questions, or somewhere else?<P>Sorry, I'm not very educated in computers, yet.

You can one of two things. Go to one of her posts on your thread and click on the sunglasses. It will bring up profile. At the top left, it will say something about previous posts. Click on that and it will list all of her previous posts.<P>The second way is go to the top of the general section on which your thread is listed. On the top right there are a list of things like Frequently Ask Questions, FAQ. Next to that is search. <P>Here you can search a section. Click on search. Pick Why Women Leave Men as the section to search, and type in TS's name where you need to. This will search that section for all of her posts.<P>Good Luck<P>JL

JL,<P>Thank you so much for your wonderful idea! I just read nearly three hours worth of TS' threads. It has helped me immensely!<P>TS,<P>I have decided to tell him everything. I think I'll probably write a letter so I can be sure to get it all in there...<P>I am so scared of his reaction!<P>You are both so thoughtful and wise, I can't thank you enough.

laura_e,<P>Glad to be of help. I believe you are doing the right thing. When you start talking with H about all of this you might be surprised (and pleasantly so) by what you find in him.<P>You just may have picked a very good man to be your H. You just didn't/don't know him very well. You also may be going through what is known as buyer's remorse. <P>Many people after a big decision, buying a house, car and sometimes getting married, then really worry if they made the right decision.<P>Finally, since you two have known each other for a relatively short time, you just may be doing things backwards. Usually, people meet, like each other, become friends, fall in love and then marry. You may have reversed the marry and fall in love part. In another words, you can fall in love with your H.<P>I will tell you a small secret; may parents married on the 4th day they knew each other. I doubt that the were good friends or even were really "in love". The were married almost 45 years until my fathers death. Pretty good marriage too.<P>So laura_e, you are very right to be concerned about your lack of in love feelings now. You should address this with your H and then seek counceling with a counselor who is pro marriage. But know this, you can develop those "in love" feelings. They will come with your efforts and knowing your H much better than you do now. <P>Your intuition may not have really failed you. <P>Good luck and<P>God Bless,<P>JL