I've already posted this question in another area, but since I believe this behavior in some respects relates to H's EA I thought I might elicit some responses here.<P>H and I had a big argument the other night, the first in a while now ... interestingly enough, it started with a conflict of views on polygamy. It ended badly, though he was contrite the next day. What I'd like to know from you fellows concerns this: H went off on a tirade of how I need to stay out of his "other worlds." Specifically:<P>(1) The Internet: from time to time, I have IMed him from work, most often to ask a question like "do you need anything from the store?" -- not to chat. He went off about my "interfering" with a world I should stay out of ... that he didn't want to chat on-line with someone he was going to be seeing that evening at home. This apparently refered also to e-mails that I send him from time to time, most of those being either a forwarded joke, an interesting quote, something I was afraid I would forget to tell him later, or on rare occasion a "thinking of you/love you" kind of short note. I suspect what set him off was I had IMed him earlier that day to ask how his interview had gone and perhaps I disturbed him right in the middle of some escapade.<P>(2) Work: He works in a coffee shop, and every once in a while I might pop in, primarily to get a free cup of coffee (I go to this same shop when he's not there if I want a cup of coffee). If the store is not busy and he happens to be available for a break, great; if not, that's fine. But he now freaks out and tells me that I should stay out of his work life, as if I were coming in there all the time and demanding his attention, which is far from true.<P>He harped at me for not having a life of my own, which to some extent may be true, though I certainly not some kind of agoraphobic freak of nature. Not that I have a whole lot of time for extracurricular activities as I have a 3-year-old and an H with an erratic schedule, which often includes evenings and weekends, and I can't often afford a baby-sitter.<P>But I digress. Am I being too sensitive? This attitude makes me feel so unwanted. I vowed stubbornly that I would never e-mail him, IM him or come by the coffee shop when he's there again -- this only made him yell at me that I just didn't understand. Do any of you guys have a take on this????<BR>

This is along the lines of what my H told me. <P>H has stated several times "my private life is none of your business" <P>Usually he made these statements after I had caught him in a lie about seeing or talking to OW. H is having an EA, but denies it.<P>It sounds like your H is trying to hide something. <P>Why would it upset him for you to chat with him? My first impression is that he wants to project the image of being a single man.<P>My H started projecting an image of being a single man. He didn't take my name off our joint checking account, but he did order checks in his name only. <P>When I questioned him about why he didn't want my name on the checks, his only answer was "my personal life is none of your business". <P>After a major fight about him representing himself as a single man by removing my name from the checks, he then opened a secret account in his name only. <P>He travels about 28 days a month. He uses these checks to pay all motels, resturants, gas, and any other expenses while away from home.<P>When I confronted him about the new account in his name only, he gave the same answer, "my personal life is none of your business"<P>After MANY fights on this subject he finally came up with a new excuse. "This is company money and the company won't allow your name on the checks.<P>BULLSH*T!!!<P>He's worked for that company for 25 years and suddenly he has to open a new account? HA<P>He pays our personal debts out of that account, so either he's lying about it being a company account or he's stealing company money for personal use. <P>I'm getting carried away here. originally I was just going to move this to the top to get some responses.<P>Hope I'm wrong about your H. But it sure looks "fishy" to me... but with my history, I see "fishy" everywhere, so some other opinions would be good...<P>Keo<P>

I am all over my h's world......and he invites me to check on him any time my little old heart desires!<P>The two shall become one....remember! The trust has to be rebuilt somehow and this is the only way it is going to happen.<P>If my h told me to stay out of a certain area, all it would do is make me suspicious and I would make every effort to crash the party!<P>I haven't snooped for a long time but that doesn't mean I wouldn't if it was called for.<P>Wake-up sweetie, whats he got to hide?<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

He's hiding something from you big time! I IM my husband all of the time. As a matter of fact, we leave it open so when ever we want to say something to each other we can. Not only does he love it when I pop in on him at work, but he always takes me with when the guys get together for a beer after work. He says the guys really enjoy my company and he misses me while he's at work, he doesn't want to miss me when work is done. What your doing should make your husband feel good that you care about him and want to see him, it shouldn't make the hair on his back stand up. Does he have a girlfriend at work that he doesn't want to see your e-mails or IM's? That would explain why he doesn't want you showing up for coffee either.

MZ Pen it does sound a little bit fishy that H is so against you being a part of "HIS WORLD". Harley says that H and W should be in EVERY part of each others world. Work, play, kids EVERYTHING. I know some people do like a little seperatism from each other every now and then, but I feel your H is taking it a bit too far. I don't know of any person man or woman that doesn't/wouldn't want the person they love to stop by the job, unless they did have something to hide. The RED FLAG is up. Keep your eyes opened.

Well, I've gotten some female viewpoints -- where are you guys?<P>As for H's work, this is nothing new. He is quite intense and somewhat of a workaholic, very focused and "on" when he's doing his job. What bothers me about his attitude is that I'm talking about coming by his work, not with the intention of distracting him or pouting if he can't chat with me, but to quickly get a simple cup of coffee, and I might do this 2-5 times a month. <P>Internet: frankly, I really don't care if he wants to visit a few porn sites or even flirt anonymously on-line. Except for the stuff he writes to OW, I'm not interested in what else he does on-line (at least not at this point). Frankly, it insults me intensely that he sees my infrequent "interruptions" as so unnerving ... so perhaps the ladies are right -- that he's doing something on-line that he feels guilty about? As if I could SEE it by e-mailing or IMing him!