I listened to Dr. Harley's radio show yesterday and he mentioned to a woman who's circumstances are similar to mine that she tell her children the truth about her H's affair. I wonder what you guys think about that. I feel like it will damage the kid's relationship with their father, but I feel like they deserve to know the truth about why we are separated and heading for divorce. They are 13, 10 & 9 years of age. Is this too much for them? Should they know the truth? Do I have the right to do that? What do you guys think???<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Wow that is a tough one.<P>My initial reaction would be no. I think they are old enough they will figure it out on their own if H and OW are together. <P>I think I would be afraid it would affect their relationship. Or that it would make them backlash against you.<P>But it's a tough call, waiting to see what everyone else says.<P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

I told my kids shortly after their father left. I look back now and wonder if I did the right thing. But my kids wanted to know where their dad was living. I didn't want to lie to them since that's what he does when it comes to important stuff.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi<P>p.s. My kids don't know details. They just know that he's living there and that OW is his girlfriend. <p>[This message has been edited by Mitzi (edited March 16, 2000).]

I too have the same question. My kids are 6 and 3. I know the 3y.o. wouldn't understand but I'm pretty sure my 6y.o. would. Of course I wouldn't go into details about her sleeping with him, but I think she has a right to know and hopefully understand why her Mommy is breaking up the family. Kids aren't stupid, I know they will eventually figure it out, but I feel its important that they understand how wrong this thing that their mother is doing. <P>just my 2 cents. If anyone wants to flame me for this please do. I haven't made up my mind yet.<P>Brent

Keridwen,<BR> Are you sure they don't already suspect,or know?Kids aren't stupid nowadays,what with all their friends parents going through the same thing.After my W moved out,my 10 year-old niece asked her mother if her aunt had a new boyfriend.It probably doesn't matter,if you don't tell them,somebody else probably will.These things don't stay secret for long.<BR>Take care. --Murph

I won't flame you Brent <P>I guess my response it that it is just too much to deal with all at once. I think they DO know and will figure it out. <P>But that they need the time to grieve one loss before trying to understand the "mommy/daddy is in love with someone else" <P>I think that may create great insecurities of "if they leave daddy/mommy because they love someone else, will they stop loving me too?" Esp if the spouse is leaving the house.<P>That alone is so much to adjust to, without adding to the "becaue they love someone else more then us".<P>Bottom line, You may HATE your spouse and what they are doing to you and your family but they are and always WILL BE your childs parent. They (not your spouse) deserve to feel loved and safe in the knowledge that their parents love them no matter what.<P>Just my 2 cents worth. <P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Keridwen7,<P>It depends on the relationship you have with your kids!<P>For me this was a real no-brainer...<P>I've always had a <B>very</B> close relationship with my kids... and <B>honesty</B> and <B>family</B> is very important to me (see ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001615.html" TARGET=_blank>EN survey for us MB posters</A>.)<P>I am very involved in my kid's moral (an all other aspects as well) upbringing...<P>...I've said it before<BR>...I'll say it again<P>Being "age appropriate"... yes... do talk to the kids about it!<P>The emphasis... above all else... is to make sure they don't lose love for the wayward parent.<P>My kid's faith is important to me...<BR>(and yes... some would say I'm a zealot)<BR>but I've told them (regularly and often)...<BR><B>Love the sinner</B>... but <B>hate the sin</B>. This is a difficult concept for adults... much less children... but I try... by the way I raise my kids... to show to them this can be done. Even to the point of saying prayers not just for their mom... but for the OM (that he to accepts the will of God.)<P>Is this hard to do...<BR>...it depends what kind of relationship you have with your kids.<P>I feel being honest (not brutal... not explicit... not vengeful or vindictive)... but being honest about what you think and feel... and what your waywards spouse's actions are... will help. They will respect you all the more... but only if you <B>Love the sinner</B> <I>honestly</I>!... and yes... I still love my W!<P>We have heard horror stories (a few) of children hearing about affairs of theie parents for the first time from the OP children!... That is true devastation for a child... Hearing "it" from a loving parent... is a better way.<P>Prayers on your own personal decision... <P>Jim

In my opinion you should never ever ever ever. Hide the truth about emotions to a child, especially when it has to do with "why are mommy and daddy fighting" or "why is daddy not here" no you don't have to get into the details I simply just told my son at the start… "mommy and daddy are fighting all the time so we are leaving because we don't want to fight any more" I know it sounds lame but it was all I could think of at the time, later when we were settled I went in to a bit more Like daddy doesn't want to live with mommy anymore. <B> just what ever you tell them PLEASE keep telling them its is not their fault and they did not do anything to cause this</B>. <B><I>always tell them you and your S love them and always will no matter what happens</B></I>, and even though it hurts a ton every night when I put them to bed I give them a hug and kiss from their daddy and tell them that daddy loves them even though he is not here. Just please what ever you tell them let them know its not their fault, that is the first thing kids think…"what did I do or what did I say. Did I not clean my room good enough." It's a shame but they do. <P><BR>Just my 2 cents<P>Lesa<P><BR>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net <P><p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited March 16, 2000).]

It is important to tell the truth to your children. More important is to not lie to them when they ask direct questions. IMO Half-truths are also lies. I suggest you read this article from MarriageBuilders and maybe it will help you figure out how and when to tell. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html</A>

Hi there,<P> IF you are separated I think they need to know the truth.....(age appropriate though). I was TERRIFIED to tell my kids but when my H was leaving I did tell them.The older ones had already figured it out, the younger were very upset....but to me,I think having secrets, hiding things feels much more "unsafe" and "unstable" than the truth. I wanted them to trust me and answering the questions truthfully was very important. LU

I do feel an obligation to tell my children the truth, but I am afraid my H will accuse me of trying to turn them against him. Which is ridiculous. HE is the one who had an affair and chose to leave. I guess I will have to think of a diplomatic way to tell them that deflects any blame they may put on themselves and lets them realize that their dad is human. And regardless of his mistake they are free to love him. I think this is probably the best way to handle it. I really think they are going to be very angry with him. They will probably feel betrayed too. I don't know, this is all so confusing and frustrating. I know they realize we have problems, but I don't think they know the reason. The OW lives out of state and they have never seen their dad with her. He is living with his parents. I still don't know how much of the truth they should know. Arghhh!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

My parents put me in the middle of a lot of things between them. Remember this! If you tell a kid their parent is bad, the child feels they are bad! NSR says to tell them to hate the sin but love the sinner. That is too much to ask of children. I know as I have lived through it. If you tell the children their parent is sinning then they are going to wonder this. How can I be a good person if my mother or father is a sinner? Well the answer is that they can't think they are good if their parent is bad! If a child comes right out and asks about why a parent is leaving then I would say it's because they are not happy in the marriage. And that would be the truth. That isn't saying what they are doing is right because we all know it's not. But remember that if a child thinks his parent is doing something not right then they take that onto their own little shoulders. From one who went through a lot of what you are thinking of doing, think real hard before you tell your kids what they really may not do well hearing at all. And make sure that you are not trying to punish your spouse.<P>De;

<B>Delphi</B>...<P>Just a few thoughts...<BR>I don't mean to be argumentative...<BR>...and parenting is so personal... there are valid positions everywhere.<P>For me... and my kids...<BR>"That<I>(sin/sinner separation)</I> is too much to ask of children."... <B>just wasn't and hasn't been the case!</B> Again... I have been very close in the upbringing of my children.<P>"If you tell the children their parent is sinning then they are going to wonder this..."... If you don't tell them we (parents too) are <B>all</B> sinners... to some extent or other... the children <B>will</B> grow up in a fantasy world... (how different may that fantasy be from the WS's?)<P>Being is sinner is <B>not</B> bad...<BR>Not repenting... not asking for forgiveness.. not correcting the sin/fault/problem whatever... that is "bad"... but in no way... "hate the sinner!"... How do you <B>not</B> hate the sinner?... By loving the sinner... at an absolute minimum... pray for the sinner. If it is a parent... respecting them as a parent with authority!<P>Even some the greatest people on earth were/are sinners... Didn't Peter deny Jesus 3 times?... Did that make him a sinner?... You bet it did... but Peter repented!<P>The people, who are sinners, that we dispise are those who we believe are non-repentant...<BR>Hitler... for example... but he too could have been repentant... and for all we know have a place in paradise.<P>"...if a child thinks his parent is doing something not right..."... that is <B>NOT</B> a <I>bad</I> thing! It acknowledges our faulty humanity. Would I be so philosophical to a 3 year old... NO WAY... but words... and expressions and stories (children stories... Adam & Eve... Noah/flood... Nickelodeon even!) can be found for young children too!<P>"...then they take that onto their own little shoulders"... absolutely must be avoided. A parent's inappropriate actions should always be clarified... over and over again... that it is <B>not</B> the child's responsibility!... and again... in an age appropriate way this must be explained!<P>Is all this "explaining" easy... <B>No Way</B>... It is hard... you have to be consistant... and most of all... it must be said lovingly... Being the "good" parent... <B>isn't easy</B>! Are you bursting the "bubble" of childhood to some extent?... maybe... but it really isn't you doing it... it is the WS!... and your goal should be to help them make sense of the mess in a "faith-filled" way.<P>To cover up the sin (as you said... "...what they are doing is right because we <B>all</B> know it's not.") isn't the right thing either... Do we want a generation of future H's and W's to learn... the sin wasn't all that important?... that it won't have "consequencses"... that there are <B>no</B> absolutes in life?... That everything can be rationalized into being OK... <I>"in this one case"</I>?<P>I whole heartedly agree with "...And make sure that you are not trying to punish your spouse."... this <B>is</B> so very important!!! <P>We may disagree...<BR>...but I most certain do respect your right (and priviledge) to parent (and make recommendations) as you see them!<P>I do respect you! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 16, 2000).]