I need some help!! Here is my (very) rough draft of a letter I am going to give my H. Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!<P>Brice,<P><BR> I have decided to write you a letter to say all the things I need you to know. This way, I cannot chicken out or forget anything important. I know this will be very hard for you to hear. Some of it you already know or suspect, some of it may surprise you. Please understand, this is extremely hard for me to tell you. I am doing it because I want you to know everything. That way, we can move forward with a better understanding of where the other person is coming from.<P> I am very lucky to have a man like you. You are so much better to me than anyone else in my life has ever been. I know you want whatever’s best for me, and I want you to know that I want the same for you. I want to be the kind of caring, patient wife that you deserve. I have had a hard time being that person, though.<P> When I met you, I was instantly smitten. I remember how we joked about running off to Vegas that first night. I knew right away that you were the kind of person that I wanted in my life. I’m afraid we took things too fast from there, though. I know you felt like we loved each other, so why should we wait? Well, I think waiting may have given us more time to develop true love.<P> While we drove to Las Vegas, you sensed that something was wrong. You asked me if I was having doubts, but I said ‘no’. The night before we married, I told you that I felt we might be rushing things. I told you how scared I was of making another mistake. I told you that I wanted to continue the relationship, but that I would be more comfortable if we took things slower. I remember feeling so awful when you got so upset. You said that maybe we should stop seeing each other altogether; that maybe we weren’t meant to be after all. That thought scared me very much. I had very strong feelings for you and did not want to lose you. I still wasn’t really ready to marry you, but I told you I was ready and begged you not to leave me. <P> I have felt guilty about this ever since. I did not want to lie to you, Brice. I wanted the things I said to be true. I told myself over and over that they were true. I convinced myself that I was ready; that I just had cold feet. I was wrong, though.<P> A couple of months ago, I told you all of this. I told you that I was never really ‘sure’, but that I had told you so because I was afraid of losing you. Once again, you became very upset. I hated seeing you hurt, and took it all back. That was not the right thing to do. I do not want you to hurt, Brice, but I can’t change the way things happened or the way I felt.<P> There have been times when you have said you don’t believe I love you. Each and every time I deny that. I definitely care for and about you. Sometimes I want to tell you I love you so badly. Other times I feel an incredible guilt when I say it, because I’m not as sure at those times. I know I am very capable of loving you. The foundation I began my love for you on was so weak, though. There was a lot of fear involved, and a lot of hoping, but not much else. I did not know (still don’t know) a lot about you. There was definitely a spark, but we never really gave it time to grow into a fire.<P> I am still confused. I sometimes feel like I wish you would just leave and not come back all those times you threaten to. That way, I would never have to admit to this terrible mistake and not have to make the choice myself. That is just me being selfish, though. The truth is, I want you to know. I want you to understand why I’ve done what I have. This way, I can start over and be totally honest with you from the (new) beginning, and you will never be nagged by that feeling that I’m not telling you the truth.<P> I know what I did was very unfair. It wasn’t fair to Gabriel, myself, or especially to you. I know that telling you this will hurt you. I can only pray that you will understand that I have told you because I want things to change. It is very hard to move forward when one of us is keeping something secret from the other. I hope we can work through this, and move on to build a better future together.<P> However, I also know that, once again, I risk losing you. This is my greatest fear in all of this. I would never risk that if I didn’t feel there was so much more we stand to gain. We stand to gain a 100% fully honest relationship. We stand to gain a lifetime together where we can both trust and be trusted.<P> Like I said before, I care a lot about you. My guilt has kept me from expressing it (not wanting to give you the wrong impression). I appreciate all that you do for our family. Gabe obviously thinks the world of you. I know we can make our marriage work if we take the time to expand on our caring for each other and work to build a long-lasting romantic love. Please give us that chance.<P> If you would like, we can go to counseling. To begin with, I think we should sit down together and take some time to get to know each other better. I loved it the other day, during breakfast, when we talked a bit about our childhood memories. I would like to do that more often. I would also love to talk to you about our future. What do we want to do? Where do we want to go? It would be so great if we had something to look forward to. I think the idea that we talked about before: getting a sitter so we can go out together, is a very important one. When you married me you got a wife, a son, a dog, a mortgage… I want us to make some time for just you and me, without the rest of the package. <P>Brice, you are my best friend. I am open to hear your ideas about how we can improve our relationship. I want that more than anything, and I will do all that I can to accomplish it.<P> For as long as you’ll have me,<BR> Laura <P><p>[This message has been edited by laura_e (edited March 17, 2000).]

I think it is very good. I think when you say "make our marriage work" that what mean is that you want to work togther to build a strong romantic love...that you are "not there yet" but want to be. Is that right? If so, I'd express that a little more directly.<P>I'm sure he will be confused and hurt, but it sounds like he already "knows" this (that you are not really "in-love" down deep. The love that you do have (ie, the "caring" type versus the romantic type) is a great foundation for building romantic love. I think the two of you can use the techniques taught on this website to get there, if he will agree...<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi<P><BR>

Thanks for reading my letter, Kathi. I changed the line you referred to. Is that better?

laura_e,<P>Just one thought. What is it you want him to do? You see many of us guys, understand marching orders, but we kind of like to know where we are marching off to.<P>So do you have some ideas of what you would like him to do? Go to counseling? Talk with you more about things such as future? Maybe more honest discussion with one another without anger? Where do you want to go?<P>Do you see what I mean? I hope so. I think the letter is very well written, but I just kept expecting that you had some suggestions of how you would like to make it work. If this letter is to tell him you want to separate or worse, then it needs rewriting because it did not come across like that. <P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<P>I added a paragraph at the end that I hope willexplain what I want to have happen a bit better...<P>Thank you so much for helping me!!

laura_e,<P>Thats the ticket! Now he has something to think about. My guess he will have a hard time turning down your offer.<P>One last suggest for you, not regarding the letter. If you can find the sections here about building up love in a relationship. I think it will help you and you can in turn help H.<P>Good Luck and <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Yes, that last paragraph was great. I would make sure you let him know up front, when you give it to him to read, that you really want things to work out and encourage him to read it all the way through. It would be a shame if he stopped reading part of the way through because it hurt only to miss the best part at the end.

Thank you guys so much for your support!<P>I tweaked the ending just a bit, I hope it's still good.<P>I still need help with WHEN to give this to my H. He knows I've been writing him a letter, and says he wants it now. He has just had surgery, though - is in a lot of pain, can't really talk for more than a minute at a time, is taking strong pain-killers and other medication...<P>What should I do?