I really need some help here.<P>I found out in January that my husband had been having an affair with a younger coworker for about a year. My son was four months old when I found out.<P>We have been trying to cope with this and rebuild our marriage. Although I have not posted before, I have been lurking and reading the material available here as well as the material in some other books. I cajoled my husband into reading the info at this site as well as one of the books; however, we seem to have a major problem: He "doesn't believe in" therapy or most self-help literature. He has told me that he doesn't believe in "win-win", that there must always be a loser in a situation. I think right now we are both losers.<P>I believe that he has broken off everything with OW--this is a belief of a woman who knows what her husband is capable of, not of someone who doesn't want to think it possible. The reason he gave for the affair was a feeling of inadequacy and he has said that he believes that now that he has admitted to this feeling he won't stray again. I don't know if I believe him on that point. I personally think he needs to delve more into this feeling of inadequacy and understand it better, but I am not him and I cannot change him.<P>My problem is that I have not been able to get over being depressed. I am no longer obsessing over Her as much as I was, but I can't seem to make myself believe that I really am okay. I am having unrelated issues at work as well, and I'm having a hard time coping with it all. I don't have a very high self-worth right now.<P>H had been helping, but suddenly he fell into depression as well. I asked him what was the matter (in what I thought was a loving way, as opposed to his usual question, "What is WITH you, anyway?") and he told me angrily that he didn't seem to have the right to have any negative emotions in our relationship. That he was depressed and sad and that I wasn't allowing him to feel that way.<P>I don't know what I did to engender this remark. What worries me most is that I was able to piece together when he was with OW by the times he came home and yelled at me for no reason...just like he seems to be doing now.<P>So, here I am. I am worried that he may be back with OW or has found a new OW. If he has not, although that would be good news, I am still worried about his depression and about our inability to talk about it.<P>We have found other issues in our marriage that lead to or enabled the affair, and I think we have been addressing them somewhat successfully, but I don't know how to get through this one.<P>Has anyone else had a problem like this? Can anyone offer any advice on what to say to him to break the ice in a non-threatening way.<P>Thank you for your time.<p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited March 18, 2000).]

yOU say that you have been lurking. Did you say that you have read the Marraige builders books? They are a good place to start in trying to figure out what needs you both might have.<P>If he is not into counseling right now, you could at least do the needs assessment and see what you come up with.<P>If he is depressed and even admits it, but doesn't want to do anything about it, you cannot make him. Believe me. My h moved out and is very depressed and is working and has an EA because he is in denial that he is depressed. And he IS in counseling and still denying it. Male depression is very often unacknowledged because "depression" is supposed to be a female thing!!!!<P>So, I guess my only advise for you is for you to go to counseling. That's what I did. I think you have to get to the point where you take care of the things you can take care of, and that "thing" is you.<P>Remember the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drinK" <P>I know how frustrating that can be. But take care of yourself first. I'm thinking of you.,

Thanks for your kind words.<P>Yes, I have read the Marriage Builder books (sorry I wasn't clear).<P>I know that I can't force him to do anything, but I am trying ot figure out what I can do.<P>Counseling does sound like a good idea, though I must admit that I'm overwelmed at the thought of trying to find someone I like.<P>I need ideas for trying to communicate my concern to him without being too intrusive or demanding. One of my problems is that I'm trying to take care of me in the wake of the affair and I'm having a hard time finding strength to reach out to him, too. (There's a part of me that's saying, "Oh, YOU'RE depressed? Good. You should be. I'll get back to you." I'm trying to deal with that part of me and be concerned with him all at once.)<P>Thanks for replying and thanks for thinking of me.