I gave my H the letter. He actually asked me to read it, which I did, while holding his hand.<P>When I was finished, he said he wanted to go to bed. He told me that he should have known that someone like me would never have fallen in love with someone like him; that I just felt sorry for him. He said that, even now, I only want to stay with him because I don't want to be alone.<P>I protested, of course, but he said he wants to talk to someone else before he'll say anything else to me.<P>I'm begining to think I've made a huge mistake... What can I do now?<p>[This message has been edited by laura_e (edited March 17, 2000).]

No you didn't make a mistake.<P>You had to finally be honest with him.<BR>He needs time to absorb it all, he may have only heard certain parts and not parts about<BR>wanted to work towards a real love. <P>I think he needs alittle time and someone to talk to.<BR>Who do you think he might talk to? <P>------------------<BR>Peg

laura_e,<P>I'd have to go along with the idea mentioned on your earlier post...<P>consider marriage counseling...<BR>for both of you!<P>Maturity in accepting a long term relationship... (maybe not enough)... yours and his... may have lead you down this path... by this I don't mean to insult you... <BR>The are many people who might never ever belong in such a relationship.<P>Are you willing to work on your relationship?<P>Of the Four rules to guide marital recovery (page 87 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <BR>It is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3901_rules.html" TARGET=_blank><B>The Rule of Care</B></A>... that requires you to give... more than you receive (this goes for both Ws <B>and</B> Hs)!<P>When you are... able to accept any long lasting relationship as a real a give and take... then a commitment makes sense. Maybe you want to check out the book =><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>!<P>I hope and prayer your marriage works out... but this is something you both have to work on... if you want to. <P>Jim

laura_e,<P>Did you give him the letter to read after you had read it to him? If not do so. I agree with the previous poster, he may not have heard it all. <P>I have a saying pasted down from others more experienced. It is that you should give the same speech/presentation three times. The first time the audience will only hear what the want to hear or think. The second time they will hear it all and the third time they will understand what you are saying.<P>Please talk with him, question him (did you understand what I want to do? Please tell me what you think I said in the letter?) This way you can address issues that he is putting into what you said. People don't really hear what you think you are saying. Make sure that he got you full message not just part of it.<P>You can tell from his first response he is very unsure of himself and the marriage. So you are both in the same boat in many ways. This can be the starting point of the both of you really developing a marriage based on love, respect, and mutual support.<P>Keep talking with him and make sure he understands what you are saying. Give him the letter to read himself.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I don't think you've made a mistake. Given the way you feel abouthim and the marriage, the problem would not have gone away on its own. The only way to resolve a problem is to address it. Yes, it was a painful thing for him to hear and the road will be a rocky one. But it's a road you would have had to go down anyway, if not now maybe 5 or 10 years from now. And then it would be even tougher. It's better to address issues as they come up than let them fester for years. It may not seem like it right now, but it's better to address this now than to wait 9 years like I did. <P>Keep letting him know that you want it to work, that you want to work with him to develop that deeper love that everyone here keeps telling me about. (I'm so not there yet) Ask him to go to counseling with you. Remind him that the time you have spent together is a very short time and not quite long enough for that to have developed yet, but you are confident that working together you will achieve it.<P>Let me reiterate. Your problem would NOT have gone away on its own. It would sit inside you and fester. It's ggod to bring it out into the open. Now it can be addressed. It won't be easy, but it is possible (that's what they keep telling me anyway ).<P><BR>BTW, I agree with JL (again? ). You should give him the letter so he can read it over himself. Often, people get stuck on a few words and they don't hear the whole thing the first time. They miss the point of what you were trying to say.<P>Good luck.<P>