I've been married only 3 and a half years.And my trust for my husband has been totally smashed.From week one of our marriage the trust was crushed.Then during the marriage things that really should'nt have happened but did helped to finish off the rest of the crushed trust.Things like finding letters on him from other women.Other women calling our house and me catching him talking to them.(He never really said he was sorry or explained why this was happening)Then to top it off him talking to women online even in private chats even though he knows I don't like him doing this.He even asked me how I felt but why?He just went behind my back and gave her a private email and talks to her anyway.So much had happened now it's hard for me to trust being open in my feelings with him ect.Now it's gotten so bad it's really hard for me to be intimate with him.Every time I close my eyes all of that hurt and disappointment come crashing down on me.Now if I could just get him to see and realize how much this has effected me personally he knows but I think he just thinks it will all go away.Hurt and lost of trust never really go away,so you have to at least work to rebuild it.But how do I get him to understand this?That he must try to work on rebuilding the trust I lost.I keep having nightmares every night now about catching him with other women.I guess my subconscious is starting to take over.My insecurities are getting the best of me.

No, I don't think your insecurities are getting the best of you. Here's what I do think:<P>Your husband is probably somewhat like me and many other husbands out there either are now or were. That is, we don't understand that these actions, which we think in most cases are really totally insignificant, can possibly impact our spouses love for us or effect the marriage. We really just don't get it, and to be frank never even think about it. We believe that our spouses will be there forever, will always love us dearly, and will come to understand that our bad habits (which we don't think are bad habits at all) are really nothing. That's where your husband is - he doesn't know or believe that his actions are really hurting you. Even though you tell him so, trust me, he truly doesn't really believe it.<P>Now here's the hard part - how the heck can you get him to believe it if you won't respond to your words at this point? I'm not recommending anything here, but I'll tell you the reality. For most of us on this board, as it was for me, a serious wake-up call gets the job done almost every time.<P>What's a serious wake-up call. Unfortunately on this board an affair that threatens to end the marriage does it (please don't do that). For me, my first real wake-up call that made me change was my wife telling me that she was no longer sexually attracted to me, and giving me a laundry list of the evils I'd done that lead to this. A wake-up call could be a planned separation with the clear intent of getting back together once he agrees to counseling or straightening out his act. Or maybe the wake-up call could be just telling him that if he continues, doesn't talk seriously about these issues and doesn't take you seriously, that you will quickly fall out of love with him and file for divorce.<P>I'm not recommending that you do any of these things. What I am telling you is that if my wife had made it that clear (any of the above actions other than an affair) it would have scared the crap out of me and made me see real clearly that there was a problem - me! <P>I could be, however, that he has an illness regarding other women. If that's the case, then he still needs counseling, and you by his side to fight the illness - very much like fighting achoholism. <P>Get strong, commit to the marriage in your heart and mind, but then get really serious and make him understand. Your marriage is too important not to. I wish my wife had done this.<P>SamH

You said from the first week of your marriage the trust was gone. Is that to meant that he was cheating before you go married and it continued throughout the marriage. If that is the case, then you need help badly. It is NEVER going to go away unless you are both working on it. By you still finding these letters and emails, he is showing you that his meaning of what "Working" on a marriage is to him. Does he say that he wants to work on being a better husband to you? What is it that he wants from you? And is willing to go to counseling?

Endigo,<P>Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear of your pain. I know how you feel about losing your trust.<P>I went through a similar thing 6 years ago, not to do with my current sitaution with my H, but I can tell you that I learned at that time, the only way to rebuild the trust is when the other partner knows they did wrong and asks for your forgiveness, acknowledges the mistake and takes steps to help you gain the trust. From that point, it takes a long time, for me about 8 months. And the pain never goes away. You can forgive, but never forget. <P>I went on to marry the jerk, had a third child with him, the whole leave it to beaver life, and he cheated on me and left on xmas day. SO Forgive and forget nothing,I will not bother again. I did Plan A and try to save the marriage, but I am pretty sure, I am past it all now. <P>Can you elaborate for us, what happened, so soon into the marriage, and why you two didn't take this problem immediately back then?? <P>Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

Thanks everyone for your responses.What I ment by the trust being gone at the start of the marriage.On top of all this he comes from a very small family with just him and a sister.And he and his mom are very close to close.We had planned our honeymoon and he changed it for his mom.In other words he's a momma's boy at the worst.And she believes every word he says.And his sister is just as bad.So that was how the trust was lost at the start.I felt like he placed them in frount of me.An it has been that way for four years now.And I don't see things getting any better until he admits he has a problem and trys to stay away from that family.Which I think is impossible.He acts sometimes like he's afraid of them for some reason.They are very demanding.For him to be a married man.And he lets them so why not?So you see I have alot of reasons for my trust in him to be really messed up.I'll make sure I try use some of the ideas you guys gave they helped alot.Oh,yeah I'm glad I found this forum.Thanks again!<P>

Welcome <B>Endigo</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Jim