Sorry, that was supposed to read "HOW have you told your spouse..."<P>Yeah, it's nearing that decision time. This weekend, I'll probably pop the big statement about wanting to separate.<P>In a wierd sort of way, it meets the same expectation and anticipation I had before I proposed to my W more than 16 years ago. Just not nearly as happy... !<P>If there are any others that can offer some help, what have you said to your spouse when that time came to split up? Did you talk to the kids alone or together? How about the in-laws. Doesn't it call for some explanation, but yet doesn't it require some privacy since it's nobody else's business?<P>Perhaps you can even talk some sense into me to NOT separate. I've really lost hope and I'm more than ready to give up.<P>Any help will do.<P>I'll check back tomorrow in the am, PST.<P>Thanks.<P>--keystone <P><p>[This message has been edited by keystone (edited March 15, 2000).]

hmmmmm..... <P>Are you ready for plan B?<P>Have you done an awesome plan A?<P>Is it completely draining your love banks to stay?<P>How old are you kids Keystone?<BR>You need to tell them together, stress the importance of this is a grown-up problem and right now you and your W can not live together and work together.<P>Stress that it is NOT their fault and that you and W do and ALWAYS love them.<P>But unless you Have to seperate, depending on the ages of your kids. DON'T do it!!!<BR>But I don't know your whole story.<P>Our kids are 9, 6, and 3. and the pain is incredible that they go through. Even when they are adjusting.<P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Ooops, the discussion we had to seperate was more of a relief..we knew it was coming.<P>As for telling, we each had a close friend that we told, sent a letter to the kids teachers and school and other then that it was on an as needed basis. <P>As you say, it is noones business but your own, and it just doesn't come up in conversation. Even know only a handful of people know about ours.<P>

I think your kids are smarter than you think and probably know something is not right. Mine sure did.<BR>My H and I have not told the kids that we will be divorcing yet. Since we are just in the early stages of discussion of it.<P>I think the best way to tell your wife, is that you love her and that she is unhappy being here with you. You feel like she needs to get away to find herself and what she really wants and that you love her enough to let her go. <P>I would have her leave, not you. Then offer to help her find a place to live and some furntiure. Do this as a friend. They will remember that later on. Remember that you will always be joined together through your children.<P>Also tell her that you are both in pain and that you fell this is best for now. Leaving the door open for later.<P>As too telling the kids, I would just tell them that Mom is going to live somewhere else for awhile. Then if things don't work out, the seperation will be in stages and easier for the kids to handle.<P>I hope this helps. This is so very hard. I do know your pain and it is hard to make a decision that you know will change you and your childrens lives forever.<P>hang in there

My3kids,<P>What if she refuses to go?

Hi Keystone,<P>I never told my H to move out. He was the one that wanted to move in with OW so I don't really have any advise as how to go about it. Just wanted to suggest asking your wife how she feels about it before you tell her she has to. I really don't know the whole situation here, but maybe if she knew you meant business by bringing up the fact you want her out she may consider trying harder to save your marriage. On the other hand if she does move out and into OM's home she most likely will get a taste of reality.<P>Good Luck!<P>Pam

I think that maybe she does want to go. It may not be the case and she wants to stay home.<BR>IMHO if they are the cheating spouse why should the betrayed one leave the house?<P>I don't know, my H just moved out with his clothes. <P>I do know that it is the hardest day besides finding out about affair I have faced so far. But then I am not divorced yet, that may be the hardest.

Thanks for the replies...<P>Cat --<P>My kids are 12 and 10. I've been in Plan A, but I don't think it's meeting with success. I've lost patience, although I'm trying not to LB. It's even harder as the apathy sets in. It's like: "Why even try anymore?".<P>Does either one of us have to move out? No, not yet. But the tension is getting unbearable. I know the kids feel it. I have such mixed emotions sometimes. On one hand, I want to go home. On the other hand, it's the last place I want to go since the stress and tension is so tremendous! It just seems to have reached the point where action is necessary.<P>my3kids --<P>I don't want to abandon my kids. But, I do feel I must be the one to move out. Even though she is the betrayer (EA -- although refuses to admit to an "affair"), it just doesn't feel right to insist she move out. <P>I'm the sole income, so I can get another place. That also means that I do need her help and support for child care issues. Is just best that she and the kids remain.<P>My guts says that both of us should address the kids together. I don't want a "he said, she said" effect where the kids feel that they are getting contrary information from either one of us. After all, we are BOTH their parents, so we should probably share that responsibility.<P>Pinky --<P>The OM that she was having an EA with is married to her "best friend". She's not moving in with him. Complicating the mess are that our kids and the OM's kids are good friends. <P>I don't think she's wanting to get romantically involved with anyone now. At least that's what she told me about two months ago. Incidentally, that comment was also addressed to me, not just some other guy. Lately, though, I don't know. I do know that we're both very unhappy.<P>2sad--<P>I don't want to put her in that situation where I confront her about moving out on her own. I just think that it would increase the tension, more greatly effect the kids, and complicate the entire issue.<P>I just cannot believe that I've come to this. 15+ years of marriage down the tubes. Like it didn't matter. I'm not happy now, I haven't been happy for a while, and I know she hasn't either. That's what got us into this mess. <P>Counseling is not longer in effect (since December), since it only made things worse. She doesn't want to talk about it, either in sessions or at home. She's been unreceptive to filling out an EN questionaire, and refused to finish Harley's book. She clearly doesn't want it to work.<P>If I move out, I cannot say that I'm coming back. That's what makes this decision so grave.<P>--keystone<P>

My H told me I had to leave. WE told the kids who were devestated and cried and cried. I packed my stuff and he offered to take me where ever I wanted to go(i had no where to go)(we even have two cars and he wouldn't let me take one?!) 200 miles later he decided perhaps this wasn't the best idea to tramatize the kids and we came back. I slept on the couch for a few weeks. Then we became "NORMAL" again. Same S*** different day. But the answer is: bluntly. Get out now. that is the way he told me.