Dear Cindy,<P>You asked: <P>"Are there really no regrets that she waited 3 years to tell you? Maybe you sell yourself short when you say that, that you are now dedicated to the marriage only because of the changes she accomplished on her own.<P>I say this because I always believed and said that if he ever had an affair, that would be the end, period. But it wasn't. When I was faced with the horrible truth, I fought for my marriage. And he hadn't changed, we had talked of separation, he was in love with OW.<P>I thought there was just a little regret in your story that you have 6 years to look back on and try to reconstruct. I sometimes wondered if he should have told me, but I am now sooooo glad, our marriage is stronger than ever."<P>My reply to your excellent question:<P>Of course I have regrets. I regret that she had the affair at all! But I trust that even during the time frame that my wife was having the affair, God was in control. He had a plan to work bad things for good, and patiently waited for the best time to tell my wife to confess. <P>My feelings shout at me that I would have left her if she told me while she was still involved with the OM. But God doesn't give us the grace for that which we do not have to endure, only that which we do. Thus, I can never know for sure what 'would have happened.' <P>And that's the crux of the advice I gave to Jill. Neither I nor any other human being has, in themselves, the wisdom to know when the right time to confess is. There are guiding principles to be sure, such as the principle that total honesty is best for a marriage relationship. But every principle I know of is tempered by one or more other principles. That's part of the reason why, in addition to giving us the bible (principles), God also gave us His Holy Spirit.<P>Over the years, I recall many occasions where I observed that 'timing is everything.' The right word, in season, can change someone's life. That same word, spoken at the wrong time, could send them down a completely different path.<P>In your situation, it is very clear that your husband's early confession was the right thing. I'm so glad that you didn't have to endure what I went through in having to mentally rewrite the last 6 years of my life. But would God have waited all this time in telling my wife to confess if there weren't a good reason?<P>God was just as able to tell my wife to confess much earlier. He chose His moment to intervene, and my wife and I both have a peace that it was exactly the right time to tell me. <P>Now that doesn't mean that I will advise others, based on my expereince, that six years is the right period to wait before confessing! My conclusion is that each circumstance is unique, and provided that a person is truly open to hearing from God, they must follow what God is showing them.<P>Thanks for causing me to really think through this complicated issue.<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed
