|
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 66
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 66 |
Well, things "were" going better this week...until tonight.<P>First, let me throw out the fact that this is PMS week for my W (I should have known I was in trouble!). Things "seemed" to be going really well this week. Towards the beginning of the week she was very friendly and affectionate towards me. Then Wednesday came around. I knew she had a bad day at work, but she didn't want to talk much about it. So, after she went to bed, I did some snooping in her favorite hiding places. Sure enough, there was another phone card! That was the first one I had found since "discovery" on 2/13. I copied the info down from the card and periodically checked it to see how much she was using it. Anyway, by the end of the day today, the $20 phone card was down to $4, I'm sure all to the OM. I did not tell her I knew about the phone card (that would only make her resort to better hiding places and more sneaking around). This really depressed me. Just when I thought things were starting to look up...there they go, back down the drain. Supposedly, she has only talked to him once between 2/13 and 3/13. Seems like that changed in a hurry.<P>Things really got bad this morning. My W had to work early, so I had to get my daughter ready to go to the babysitters. Needless to say, the morning did not start out very well. My D did not cooperate very well and I was in a pretty pissy mood. My W called this morning to see how things were going and as hard as I tried, I was being pretty snappy. Probably a minor LB. <P>My day pretty much followed the morning (I am a teacher and of course the kids in my class were definitely in Friday mode). By the time I got home I was depressed and didn't want to deal with anyone. My W knew something was wrong and she pressed me to tell her. I wanted sooooooo bad to confront her about the phone card, but I knew that would be a major LB. <P>Anyway, we got to talking and I was to the end of my rope. I got very emotional while we were talking. We talked about openness and sure enough, she let me have it with the honesty. Nothing like opening up fresh wounds!!! I was trying very hard to control my emotions and not LB. But, I'm sure I slipped up a couple of times when she would ask me how I felt about different things. <P>Is it possible for me to express how I honestly feel at that moment without LBing?????<P>She kept her emotions in check, at the beginning. She kept telling me how she should leave so she couldn't hurt me anymore. She kept asking me if I wanted her to leave. I just said that I didn't think that was the answer to any of our problems. She told me several times that she could not end her EA with the OM. She didn't know if she wanted to pursue the relationship with him or just be single, but marriage was not sounding real good to her at the present time. Ouch!<P>We kept talking and just when I thought the end was near, we really got to the "truth" about why the EA started (she was working 70 hours a week, I worked full time, we had a newborn baby, etc., etc.) I don't think she has ever put all of this into the equation. I think for the first time she felt really guilty! (I'm sure she has felt guilt, but not like this.) I did not try to lay a guilt trip on her or anything, it just came around about how and why the EA got started. She finally broke down and started crying. She kept saying "why did I have to give in to my feelings" and "look what I've done to you and our marriage" and stuff like that. But of course she neve agreed to stop seeing the OM. For the first time, she looked me in the eyes and said she was sorry. I'm not sure if this means anything because she is still going to talk to the OM.<P>Any thoughts or insights would be greatly appreciated!!<P>In the meantime, I'll continue to Plan A tomorrow although I'm not to sure how much longer I can keep doing this.<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 996 |
KindaBlue,<P>I don't know if I can help or not because my spouse is not even living with me at this time. He is involved in a pretty tight EA also. <P>I'm really wondering why they cannot see that the relationship with us cannot possibly work if they have someone of the opposite sex in the number 1 position.<P>What inside of them is making them not want to stay close to us. <P>I think it is something like depression, shame, low self esteem. It is so frustrating.<P>Would your wife concider counseling for herself?? Have you givenher the book SAA?<P>Also, what about Plan B. Haven't you given Plan A a lot of time??????
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 681
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 681 |
Sounds like plan B is definelty in order. If she is not willing to end the affair with OM then she cannot heal. This is affecting you and you on the job, something you probably cannot afford to happen. Make her make some decisions NOW. This is going to affect you and her and your daughter for a long time coming. Our children depend on us to keep things stable. IF not for you, then for your daughter things have to settle down.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 66
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 66 |
Thanks for the advice!<P>tootrusting,<P>My W suffers from very low self-esteem. Her parents are very hard on her now and always have been. Her dad is a successful attorney and he believes that your worth depends on the amount of money that you make. Her job is not going well, and I can see the "self-fulfilling" prophecy of failure that she experiences. She was anorexic in high school as a result of her parents controlling her. She went through counseling but she often jokes how she "conned" the counselors by telling them what they wanted to hear so she could be done with it. Sometimes I wonder if these feelings she has now are unresolved issues in her past coming back to haunt her. <P>She did agree to see a counselor. She went once about two weeks ago. I know she held a lot back from the counselor. She even told me that her "relationship" with the OM was not even mentioned. She just told the counselor about her feelings (or lack of) towards me. She was supposed to go back for her second appt. last Wednesday, but of course there was an "urgent" matter at work that she couldn't leave so she postponed the appt. until this Wednesday. I could have predicted the cop-out, we'll see what excuse she comes up with this time.<P>She knows that I read SAA and she admits to looking through it. Everytime I ask her if she wants to read it, she says "maybe later." I think that maybe it hits home too hard for her and she would actually have to admit that there are reasons for her feelings.<P>I am seriously considering Plan B. There are a few snags though. First, the EA has drained us financially. The cost of the phone bills, her taking off work to go see him, and the cost of her traveling (she works 30 south of where we live and he lives another 45 south of that!!!) have left us with very little reserves. If Plan B would go into effect, we would have to take from retirement accounts and our daughters college savings.<P>Second, and biggest problem is our daughter. I don't want my W to take our daughter. My guess is that during Plan B she would probably go with OM. I don't want my daughter in that situation. I can't really care for her by myself because as a teacher I am also coaching right now. So I don't get home until later in the evenings. I don't want to leave her with a babysitter for 12-14 hours a day and I don't know if I could find a babysitter who is willing to watch her that long.<P>I just keep thinking that if I can "stick it out" until I am on summer vacation, things like Plan B would be a lot easier. But June seems soooooo far away and I don't know if I can last that long. My Plan A has taken a lot out of me emotionally and physically. I don't know if I have enough reserves to last that long. I think I am going to call a counselor (the same one my W is seeing, she did really like her). Maybe she can help me get through this or help me to figure out what to do. <P>mercy,<P>You are definitely right about being stable for our children!!! My D is only 2 and sometimes I wonder if she can sense what is going on. I think she can. My W and I always have our talks after she has gone to bed, but there is still so much tension in the air.<P>Thanks again to both of you!!! You "open ears" are greatly appreciated!<P>Doug<BR>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283 |
Hey: I see some good news here!!! I think you should Plan A a little longer.<P>First, she IS talking to you about her feelings...I know it hurts, but it is important.<P>Second you managed not to LB, and gave a great answer..."She kept asking me if I wanted her to leave. I just said that I didn't think that was the answer to any<BR>of our problems."<P>Third: she's starting to wish she hadn't gotten into this mess!!! That is a great sign. Yes, I know you'd like her to agree not to see OM right now. But, this works in baby steps. Expressing regret that she started this mess is good.<P>Hang in there==<BR>Kathi
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 681
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 681 |
kindablue:<P> I know that we have been going through quite a bit with our 3 year old. I have received many calls from the headstart program that she is in because she has been SOOO mean to everyone around her. Punching the teachers yelling crying uncontrollably ect. She doesn't understand all the tension in the home right now. So she has been acting out anger and frustration. <P>We don't fight in front of the kids but they understand the undertone of tension within the home. We have had incidents from all the children(we have 5). Our children are generally well behaved children. <P>We have been so absorbed with each other since i told my H about the rekindled relationship that jobs and kids have taken a back seat to disaster.<P>I made a consience decision to take the time for my kids and try to keep the tension down between H and I. <P>We are moving to try and make a go of this marriage. It is the only thing that can save this marriage now. The addiction to the OM is terrible. <P>I wish you the best of luck. <BR>Mercy.
|
|
|
0 members (),
554
guests, and
102
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|