Well a couple of good things happened this week. (Last Sunday i told H to get out.) First on Tues. this guy in the mall came up to me and said that my haircut looked great on me.<BR>Yesterday at work, one of the guys next door came over and said one of the guys that works for him said that I was something.<BR>I talked to a friend last night. He said go for it. If someone asks you out go. (I can't imagine doing this!) It will get easier. Do not sit home and "wallow in your misery", get out live life. You will age tremendously if you don't.<P>What do you guys think?? Do we date?? I think it is pretty unfair to the other person. But then another friend of mine says thats what dating is about. It is not a commitment. <P>By the way, another good thing. We HAD a suburban, I went in and traded it in and got a new car today. Less on monthly payment but the obvious one is the GAS!! Ha! Didn't need him for a thing!!!!!! I HATED that truck. I called it the tonka toy. Well the Tonka is GONE!!!!!<P>Tracy

Are you still married? If yes, then no. (He could also use it against you in the divorce).<P>I've been going to a DivorceCare group at our church, and this is something that was discussed. What they said is that after a divorce, people shouldn't jump right into other relationships. Another relationship can only turn out to be an "anesthetic" for the pain of the ending of the marriage. That's the wrong reason for any relationship, dating or otherwise. That's why so many 2nd marriages fail! Take time out by yourself and discover who you've become. You're not the same person you were when you got married are you? In my case, that was 14 years ago. I know I've changed! Divorce is a stressful situation and you can end up glomming onto someone unexpectedly that wouldn't appeal to you under normal circumstances.<P>Actually, they said a good rule to follow is wait a year for every 4 that you've been married. Well, even that seems harsh to me. But I still say wait.

Wait one year for every 4 you've been married??? I'd be waiting at least 3 years. I would then be 47!!!! Where do you begin to meet people at that age??? I still do not really believe I am in this situation.<P><BR>I had no clue there was a problem big enough to send my H packing and leaving me to raise 2 children. <P>How could I have been so clueless????? Is it because he was affectionate and caring and interested and a devoted father until the alien abduction!!!!!!!!??????????<P>I'm feeling rather cynical (and lonely) tonight.

If you're serious about marriage building... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you have given up on the MB principles...<BR>...it's your call.<P>Choices can be hard...<BR>The right way is usually the hardest...<BR>...but most rewarding... and most to offer in <B>self</B>-building!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 18, 2000).]

Too Trusting, <P>My God, I totally identify with your statement:<P><B>"How could I have been so clueless????? Is it because he was affectionate and caring and interested and a devoted father until the alien abduction!!!!!!!!??????????"</B><P>My husband did basically the same thing to me! I feel for you! I have been crying off and on all day trying to figure out why he did this. The two best reasons I can come up with are the kids and money! If we didn't have problems with those things, I honestly believe he would be sitting right by me now! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!<P>As for the dating, I think it would be alright if you just go out as friends and for the fun of it. You know, no strings attached sort of thing. But as weired out said, it is really a good idea to wait until the divorce is final. I know I will not date until my h decides he is divorcing me and it is final. I have a 7 and 9 year old that I love very much and I don't want him trying to take them away from me. If he tried that, it would defeat the whole purpose really. He left me for a 41 year old and she only has a 16 year old daughter. So, he doesn't really have any responsibilities in that respect with her. What a jerk anyway!<P>Woozy

Would you date someone who was still married? Of course there are lots of guys (sharks) swimming around. They smell fresh bait! What could be easier? I swear there are men that have a six-sense when it comes to tracking down lonely, vulnerable women. <P>I've had lots of guys, basically strangers, approach me over the past few months. Unless you meet someone through mutual friends, they could be axe-murderers for all you know. Besides, any strange guy who walks up to you asking for a date isn't interested in your PERSONALITY. <P>In the long run, I think you will feel better if you wait. A nice guy would not want to date someone who was still married. And that is what you want, a nice guy.

I get lonely and would love to be able to date, but emotionally I know I'm not ready. It would be nothing but trouble for me. I'm so vulnerable right now that I would probably jump the guys bones on the first date if he said the right thing. <P>I try to let my kids occupy my time. They do a pretty good job of that. Plus, as an official MB addict, this occupies alot of my time too!<P>Mitzi

tootrusting,<BR> What are you implying?I'm almost 47!When I get divorced,I would have to wait 5 1/2 years to date.Then I'd be 52!I could cruise by the senior citizen's center in my Corvette.No,I don't believe in"dating"when you're still married.I think you should be totally free of all commitments.You need to avoid the rebound relationships,too.Find out what you want out of life before possibly jumping into another marriage.I think doing some traveling by yourself is good for the soul;broadens your outlook on the world.I haven't dated for 24 years.When I get divorced,I'll probably feel like I'm cheating when I date again.It's too strange to think about right now. --Murph

Troublec<P>As long as your still married, no dating. Would you really want to be with a man who dates married women?<P>After a divorce, use caution. It's easy to be deceived and to deceive yourself into believing you've finally found the perfect mate. (read my post "The Full Keo story") <P>If you feel like you really need to have a night out, why not go with a group of people. Don't pair off with one person. <P>You'll have the enjoyment of going out, without the danger of jumping into the dating scene to quick.<P>Good Luck<BR>Keo<P>

OK, Maybe "dating" is the wrong word. Am I emotionally ready to date? **ll no. Do I even want to be with someone else **ll no. But does it help with my self-esteem? **ll yes. <BR>After my H telling me that I was over-weight, that he wasn't attracted to me, do I want someone to tell me that I am beautiful, **ll yes. <BR>I went out last night with a friend. We went to a club, I danced, I had a BLAST. There was a guy there, works out, nice body, good looking, he kept asking me to dance. I said yes, I had fun. He told me I had beautiful eyes. Did it make me feel good?? You bet. Did I want to go home with him? **LL NO. It simply made me feel GOOD. <BR>If my H is living with her, treating me like **it, why should I sit here and be the "good wife", why can't I have fun. Why can't I ...<P>I just realized that I am sitting here justifying MY actions like H is... but....<P>Let me think about THIS one some more. I'm going to get ready to go to the gym.<P>t

Just be careful that you don't try to build up your self-esteem by listening to the pick-up lines of strange men. That's all I'm saying. In an emotional state, it's really easy to want to jump into something that would probably disgust you later. Your self-esteem can come from other sources, other people who love and support you. Family, children, church. Look at other sources than always from what "men" think of you, because you might not actually know what they are really thinking.

Wait 1 year for every 4 you were married ???<BR>I just got divorced after 33-1/2 years of marriage, which means I would have to wait 8+ years.....no thanks! I hate it when people push 'formulas'....because everyone's case is different!<P>I also do not believe the statistic that 83% of all 2d marriages fail! I remember an old song that went something like, "Love is lovlier, the second time around" (think it was the theme from a movie).<P>I will share my own testimony. My wife left me in Feb of 1996. We filed for a no-fault, uncontested divorce in Jan of 2000 which became final the 14th of this month.<P>From Feb of 1996 to the end of December 1999, I did not date anyone! However, by this time I knew that my wife had already divorced me in her heart and just hadn't made it official with the State of Texas.<P>So, I had my first date with the girl I am now seeing and we went to my son's house for dinner and to watch a movie.<P>We began seeing each other as friends in November of 1999 even though I was still married. Again, I was married only on paper and my wife had divorced me already in her heart.<P>So, when I became divorced just last week, I have really been divorced for over 4 years but just didn't have the 'official' piece of paper.<P>I want to marry again because I have too much love in me to give/share. I am asking the Lord to give me a 2nd chance at doing things right this time.<P>No, I do not believe you should date if you are still married and are still believing for restoration/reconciliation with your spouse.<BR>To me this is sending 'mixed signals'.<P>I only began to date, 3 years and 10 months into the separation after I felt God release me from waiting any longer.<P>Again, each situation is different, there are no 'pat answers' and 'fixed formulas' - you need to hear from the Lord for yourself and you need to follow your heart.<P>Now I am trying to build a relationship with the woman I am seeing, but there is to be an 'us' and we get engaged, we want to have a nice season of courting, dating and mainly wait on God's timing for us.<P>I don't know if I have helped you at all with my response, but thank you for letting me share my heart.<P>[censored] from Texas<p>[This message has been edited by [censored] (edited March 19, 2000).]

Sorry,<P>Really, I wasn't trying to push a formula. I was just relating what this "course" was saying. Most of the rest of the information in it has been very helpful, about depression and anger, how to deal with kids and finances. You have to be reasonable of course. I said I think it seemed a little harsh also.<P>I am someone who would love being ready to date, but am in the middle of having a nervous breakdown from all this separation/divorce stuff, and on top of that my H gave me "the gift" so dating may never happen as far as I can see anyway. That's MY situation and it's robbing me of my mental capacity to just take care of my children let alone dream of marrying again.<P>Ok, my vent is over, now I still say under normal circumstances waiting is better than jumping, but I agree not necessarily as long as the "formula", but still say that it should be after divorce is final. I don't believe in divorce of the mind - even in the Bible divorce was done with a piece of paper.<P>

My family seems to think that a man in my life would ease my pain. My sister told me she wants to be in my next wedding. I am sorry but I am still married so far as I know.<P>Yes, I will probably be divorced in a matter of months. Yes, I am lonely. I miss being held, and smiled at. I hate seeing couples together with their wedding rings on.<P>I am scared to death of dateing. But I know I do not want to be single forever.<P>I asked my therapist about sex after divorce. I do not want any GERMS and she said that her friends and people she give therapy too, have their potential sex partner have test done before being intimate with them. It is too scary to think about.<P>But I do know I will not date while I am still married. I know that I will feel like I am cheating. I have enough to feel bad about already.

Ok, I'm talking about a simple date. NO SEX, No nothing. Go to a movie. Go to dinner. Meet new people. The last thing I need is sex. The only person I want to have sex with his my H. Thats not going to happen, so. <P>When I was divorced before, I didn't date at all. I was STARVING for affection, attention etc. I wasn't in love with my H, we were friends, nothing more. I did jump into a relationship, was I happy in it, NO way. Did it make me feel good about myself, NO WAY. This time I do love my husband. The last thing I can imagaine is being intimate with someone, its just not going to happen. The walls are up and they are rock solid. Does it scare me yes. Do I want to feel so starved again that I will go out with someone I really have no interest in, no. <P>What I am saying is a SIMPLE DATE. Does this make sense??? Get out of the house, have fun, don't dwell on this. <P>Again I wonder am I making excuses for a behavior. but... <P>t