I have tried everything Plan A etc to get through to my H about his affair. As some of you know he also has a drinking problem. Right now I am waiting for my lawyer to contact his lawyer about moving ahead with the divorce. But in the meantime, I think his treatment of me is emotional abuse. He knows that when he goes out drinking and doesn't come home all night I stay up worrying. So what did he do Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He was out till 4am all three nights while I was home wondering and worrying. Most likely he was at the OW's. So while I pay the emotional price his needs are met from the OW telling him how awful the marriage is and that she can satisfy him and I can't. She completely disgusts me. <P>I guess I just need to vent about the whole thing but how much of this mental abuse am I suppose to endure from a man that I loved and cared so much for. He has lied, cheated and continues to cause me much emotional distress. I have already been in the hospital twice because of this lack of respect for my well being. I have asked him to leave the house but he won't. <P>Do all H that at one point in our lives cared so deeply for us just give up throw in the towel and only think of themselves? He says that our marriage has been over for years and he tried but never said he was unhappy until six months ago when he found a friend. He says she has nothing to do with it but since he has made up his mind not to work on things he says I should just realize he doesn't care for me in the same way and give up and move on. Is this his way of making the affair OK in his warped mind? <P>When will it all end or where will it all end?????

BC~<BR>Having a father that was an alcoholic and an ex-H that is than I can tell you one thing overall~ An alcoholic will not get help, want help, need help or anything to do with help until that person can recognize the fact that he IS an alcoholic.<BR>Is this abusive? Maybe, but weather or not it's intentional is something I couldn't even begin to explain. It could be that his self esteem level is so low that he may think he doesn't deserve you and could be acting on those thoughts. I don't know how to explain the mind of an alcoholic, but you should look into the counselling associated with dealing with alcoholism! <BR>Hope this helps, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

My stbx has drinking problem....of course he doesn't think so. He is now drinking O'Dools around the girls on visitation days.....sometimes as many as 12 in a few hours. But without them or when he takes them to a nice place to eat....he drinks "real" beer.<P>I have been where you are in a sorts. the girls and my life were a revolving door for over 5 months. Left when he wanted and came home when he wanted. It tore the girls and I up. We never knew what to expect when the phone rang and he wasn't home from work yet. 7 out of 10 times it was him, telling one of us he wasn't coming home.....he would always give a wacked out reason.....and then we wouldn't hear from him again until he came home. He would just walk in...shower....change....and go about his business like nothing happened. If I dare say a word....he would be off again. The girls and I walked on egg shells for so long that this seperation and divorce is so much less stressful than I thought.<P>I still love him...barely.....but I feel much better without him.<P>Nancy

I guess as time goes by and he continues to come and go as he pleases my feelings for him are turning to anger and resentment. For the past four nights he has been out till 4 or 5am. Just in time to get home when I have to get up and go to work. Then by the time I get home from work he has another reason to leave and then doesn't come home. He doesn't even call. And I know about the phone ringing. Four years ago I got a call in the middle of the night and he had been picked up by the cops. I had to go and get him and he swore he would stop drinking. That lasted a year and he was back at it. Now it has esculated to drinking everyday and everynight. He works seasonal construction work so right now he isn't working. Collects unemployment and can do what he wants all day long. Not to mention the OW who will sit and drink with him too thinking it isn't a problem. She hasn't lived with him for 12 years. I bet she wouldn't put up with what I do if she was the W and not the OW. <P>I am waiting for my lawyer to get back in town tomorrow to try and speed up things. I can't take the constant turmoil and emotional abuse that he causes me. He even has his family believing that I am the one that is to blame because I won't change my ways. What a joke. If they would only open their eyes they would see exactly what he is. An alcoholic having an affair and I am a good loving person paying an extremely high price for it.

bc,<P>As the divorce starts to go through...<BR>...and eventually you will separate...<P>go and do the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> thing!<P>It will be time...<BR>...and will make the divorce proceedings easier. They are hard when your in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> or any form of it!<P>Sorry the OW still isn't out of the picture...<P>Maybe your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> can also address his need to seek help for his alcoholism... not just separating from the OW.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

bc,<P>I have read your posts and we have so much in common. My H is now living with the OW and I have filed for divorce. My marriage involved a lot of physical abuse, so it's just not what I want back. I've quit Plan Aing and have moved into a sort of Plan B. I really had no choice on that. He quit giving me money on Feb. 13th and hasn't seen the kids since then. <P>The OW is also a barfly. She's older and has no children at home. So she can sit in the bars with him whenever he wants her to. He also works seasonal work and this affair started while he was laid off. I was lucky that it only went on for about 2-3 months before I found out about it. <P>Do not put up with any abuse. Do what you need to to protect yourself. I feel somewhat guilty about filing for divorce but at the same time, I feel relief. Let her be the one who deals with his abuse and mood swings. I am moving on, slowly but I'm doing it.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Thanks for all of the support. I think it is time to start Plan B of somesorts. However, my H refuses to leave and for financial reasons I can't either. I have been trying to avoid him at home and do my own thing. I am almost sure of the fact that once this divorce thing gets rolling he is going to wake up and not like what he sees. Right now I think he is under the assumption that he could buy me out of our house which is so important to me. However, he thinks I will sell for what we have invested which is about half of the market value. Well the fact of the matter is is that I won't sell for less than what we could get on the market and I know his finances better than he does and there is no way any financial institution would give him a mortgage for that amount of money. He doesn't even have a clue as to what our monthly expenses are.<P>He is the type of person that cashes his paycheck and keeps the whole thing in his wallet. The problem... he spends it all. At least this is what he did before we got married and started to again when he hooked up with the OW. She is also married and has two kids but they seem to only thing about themselves and what makes them "happy". What a joke. I don't have any kids which is probably a good thing that they won't have to suffer but I still am.<P>I know that alcoholics can only get help when they hit rock bottom and admit they have a problem. I would think after a four day and four night binge of drinking he would wonder what type of life he is living. I am sure if the OW saw this complete side of him that I have for years she would think differently about him. I am sure she wouldn't want him out with his friends till all hours while she was home waiting that is if the shoe was on her foot. Right now it is ok because she sits and drinks with him because it is the only time they spend together but sooner or later she will want to do other things at least I would.<P>I am trying to hang in there and tell myself that i am a good loving person and don't deserve this type of treatment but it gets harder every day and night that I see my H do this to me and himself. In a way I hope he hits rock bottom real soon to save himself if not our marriage. I just don't know what else to do.

BC,<P>You <B>are</B> a <B>good loving person and don't deserve this type of treatment</B>!<P>It doesn't matter what your H does... it doesn't change the fact that you are <B>very</B> good... and <B>very</B> much undeserving of this treatment!<P>Post a bit more often...<BR>...you are loved here... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 21, 2000).]

NSR,<P>Thanks for the support. I keep telling myself that it isn't me and that I shouldn't have to change to be loved. I admitted to my H that there are things that I regret doing and would and have been trying to compromise on some things but total change for me and nothing for him is unreasonable. In addition to the fact that I am not the one having an affair and making it out to be ok because he feels our marriage wasn't good for the past two years. Why didn't he say anything he thought I would have recognized the problems. I did see problems but every time I said something that was remotely related to his drinking he just shrugged it off and then I was nagging. So I am I guess in a no win situation.