Dear friends: Again, your listening ears will be appreciated. This weekend was a half and half deal for me. It started out pretty good and relaxed. I had been with my family the whole time. Saturday, I had lunch and did some shopping with my cousin. I had a nice time. I did not feel any pangs of sadness or anxiety. However, Sunday, I did not fair well. Again, it started off ok. I accomplished alot in regards to chores, exercise and errands. I could feel my body start downhill, but I did my best to ignore it. There was a motorcycle show at a local mall that a womens club I belong to were exhibiting their bikes. I knew I needed to go. I was not able to participate due to scheduling problems. When I got there, I could feel my body literally shut down. I looked at these women and all the other people and I wanted to run back to my truck. The women did nothing to me. They were all friendly, but I felt as if I was not welcomed. My head kept telling me they did not want me there. It told me to leave now. I felt this fog over me and I could not think for myself. I tried to help the women clean up after the show. They all took a group picture and I was not included because I hid. I would hear things like "you're not part of the group" " you see they didn't look for you for pictures, so they don't like you". I finally left without saying goodbye to anyone. When I got in my truck, I was safe. I told myself, that I would email my resignation to the group Monday.(I haven't yet) I called my daughter to let her know I was coming home. I felt relief when I heard her voice. When I got home, I told my girls of my experience and my youngest child said to me that next time I need someone to go with me somewhere, to be insistent. She had thought I wanted to go to the bike show by myself. She obviously didn't get the hint after I asked her 10 times if she was sure she did not want to go with me. I did not sleep well last evening, in fact, I hardly slept. When I woke up after a couple of hours sleep, I exercised, ate breakfast and spoke with my spouse for a bit. As I was leaving home, he was waving goodbye to me and I could feel the doom cloud over me again. My body was internally shaking mildly at the same time being drained of energy. When I got to work, I called him and the sound of his voice calmed me. There are days I just can't deal with this. I hate being like this. I can't communicate. I have even been referred to as a party pooper. I apologize, but I can't control this. I would rather hide in a corner than deal with people. This is why I refuse to go on group rides because I can't handle the people. My behaviors have been extreme that it has almost cost me my marriage. I have been open with my spouse(which I hadn't before) about it even though I know he does not know what to do. Just him being there helps me. Plus you all allowing me to talk to you helps. I have an appointment this afternoon to see the doctor. Actually, I called just to set up my follow-up appointment and they suggested I come in today. <BR>I am mildly shaking as we speak, but I feel ok. My co-workers have been great today. They ask me no questions, I tell them no lies. Thank you very much for listening to me. I have been doing positive things to help me get through the rough spots. I even bought a book by Rosalyn Carter that deals with mental illness. Again, Thank you for bearing with me and listening to my fears.<BR>My prayers and love to you all.

<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SOBEIT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><BR>I just wanted you to know my thoughts & prayers are with you. Let us know what the Dr. says.<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Honey,<P>I am sending you the biggest cyber-hugs I can!<P>((((((((((((SOBEIT))))))))))))<P>I hope your doctor visit goes well. Please be honest with him/her. Tell the doctor exactly what you're feeling.<P>I am praying so hard for you. I want you to feel good and stronger. You have made it this far and you will survive this. I know it in my heart!<P>Hugs and Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

((((Sobeit))))))<P>I hope the dr appointment goes well. Please keep us updated.<P>Are you having panic/anxiety attacks? I can't remember if you said you were on meds or not.<P>Prayers Sobeit!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Just checking on you and looking out for you, Sweetie. You made it through another rough day - good for you! I know it doesn't feel that way, but you ARE getting stronger and stronger. Even I can tell a difference from when we first "met"!<P>You know we're here to listen anytime you need us. And you know that we all love you, too. Hang in there. And let us know what the doctor said, ok?<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sobeit}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Love you,<P>Lori (ldodge6209@aol.com)

SOBEIT,<P> My wife has Panic Disorder and I could not help but wonder if you do to. First let me point out that the difference between Panic and Anxiety is that Anxiety is what we going though dealing with our spouse having an affair. I have it and hate to say it but it is a cake walk comparted to Panic. PANIC DISORDER HAS NO REASON TO ANYTHING. You may think you know the reason but you'll find it hard to pin down. It will seemed to change, One day it will be one reason and the next day it will be another.<P> I WANT AN ANSWER ON ONE THING !!!!! WHAT ARE YOU FEARS !!!! THIS WILL TELL ME A LOT. I have been dealing with my wife now for two years with this and it is not easy. As far as doctors go MOST OF THEM ARE USELESS ON THIS SUBJECT !!!!! <P> Here are a few tips to help you for now. <P>1) Your beathing will go shallow as the attack comes on. YOU MUST SLOW IT DOWN AND TAKE DEEP SLOW BREATHS. I know it is impossible to do, I've have spent hours with my wife just working on getting her to breath.<P>2) Relax !!! I also know this is impossible to do.<P> If you look at levels of being worked up normal people can get off at any floor. Do you find that some point nothing seems to stop you ???<P> I understand the hell of panic disorder and the ablity is has to distory your life. I want to help you. please get me some more detail.<P>

Getting better: My fears vary in intensity from day to day. About 2 weeks ago, my body went into severe internal shaking, my mind was out of control. I hear voices telling me awful things and my thoughts are no longer mine. I paced back and forth so fast that I would have busted through the door. My fears also vary in description. I have a fear of people trying to hurt me, I have eaten too much, I didn't exercise enough that I can literally see the fat growing on me, someone is talking bad about me, my spouse is going to leave me are just a few of a multitude of fears. My spouse works a different shift than I do so I rarely see him except maybe early morning. I will not put this burden on my children. They know I have problems and have been very helpful with some remedies, but if they saw me at full throttle, they would be devastated. I can't do that to them. I hide alot of my behaviors by either exercising excessively or talking to myself mentally. I do whatever I can to keep my children from thinking their mother is crazy. Mental illness is still taboo in this society. And yes, I do have a fear of being put away. Your wife has a multitude of fears that to her are valid. Talk to her about her fears and barriers. Ask her what would be the best positive way to handle the attacks when they occur. Don't preach to her, she's an adult not a child. Listening is a great tool. Ask her if she wants to be on meds. Ask her if she would like to try alternative medicine. Distraction has worked for me so far. Work with a group who is either experiencing this disorder or has family members with this disorder. For many it's a fact of life. For me, it has been my life for almost 30 years. I don't know if we can ever get over this without serious medication. However, I refuse to go the med route or at least anti-depressants, voice blockers etc.. I am trying every avenue to help me get through this. Just talking on this site has been very beneficial knowing that these folks are here to listen. Yes, I do hear the negativeness telling me different, but I do my best to ignore it. I pray. Good luck to you and your wife. She will survive this and so will you.

Sobeit what a strong person you must be.<BR>I am fuzzy on the difference between panic and anxiety attacks but I've been having the "shakes" for just a few months and I'm already tired out by them.<P>Take care, if you don't feel the doc is really listening, find another doc. This is one area I know, some are much better than others at dealing with these sorts of problems.<P>Best wishes always.

Sobeit,<BR>Wow, didn't think I would find anyone here who lives in the same city. My prayers are with you. I think from all that I have read and heard on shows that my W suffers from bipolar disorder. <P>She was afraid to go see a therapist but finally got to the point that she needed to see one because she had become suicidal. I wish that she would go see the counselor again because she needs regular treatment to help her get past this. She won't talk to me. At times she shows some of the symptoms that you said that you feel but from a more outgoing perspective which fits pretty closely to the bipolar MO.<P>MONDO HUG to ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

<B>Please,Please</B> reconsider MEDICATION!!<P>I feel that you are running yourself ragged<BR>tring to keep this from your children.<P>Taking a pill to releave you of debillitating<BR>symptoms is not cowardly or being a failure.<P>You are handleing it so far but what happens<BR> when you can't exercise your way out.<P>If your children think something is wrong don't you think your doing them a disservice<BR>by not being as healthy and together as you can be?<P>Your children love you and want only whats best for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I'm not tring to push pills but there are so many new and good ones out there that are not<BR>habit forming, that you owe it to yourself(and your family) to seek all the help you can get.<P>Your post scared me, I felt like you were losing it and were screaming out for someone to grab hold of you to pull you back.<BR>Been there done that and it's the worst and scariest feeling I have ever felt and never want to feel again. I was around 19 and I thought I would just have to die to make all those feelings stop.<P>A good counciler and Doctor(with Medication) <BR>brought me out and I haven't had any of those feelings for 25 yrs.<P>So everyone please don't flame me for telling<BR>Sobeit to seek Meds. <P>I felt her fear and couldn't understand why someone would go thru all these nightmares when medication could at least take some of the edge off those attacks. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Peg

Thank you all for your input and Peggy, I do appreciate your concern. I have been the med route before and yes there are new ones out there. However, I had severe side effects to the point where I was re-admitted to the hospital for a suicide attempt. They have up the dosage, lower the dosage, added this, deleted that and to know avail. I will admit that I have given up on those type of meds. However, I have not given up on alternative types of medication. I am currently on birth control pills that the doctor suggested I try. He told me that they might give me some relief through balancing out my hormonal level. Yes, it is a struggle, but I have extreme faith that I will find relief and be able to live again. Again, thank you

Sobeit,<P> Their was a reason I wanted to hear about your fears without pushing you one way or another. I am not a doctor just a software engineer so do not think that I have a handle on this.<P> First, let me easy your fears about me and my wifes panic. I do understand it (as best possible), I go to every theory session with her. I do not hold any of this against her. It is hard for the spouse to live with and the rest of the family but together and with an understanding it can be accepted. My concern here is for you.<P> In Panic disorder the biggest fear is having another attack. Everything else in your life is meaningless compared to these attacks. PANIC WINS 100% OF THE TIME AND MOST BE MEDICATED. I have hear some wold things from my wife like out of body stuff and she knows who her kids are but doesn't understand that. Panic can come in different flavors but I have not hear anyone talk about voices.<P> SOBEIT, It does sound like you do have some panic in here but it may only be a sode effect of the main problem. People with panic are GOOD PEOPLE, it is a requirement for the disease. They also do not want to be on meds because meds are not that good. This may be a true point but if it takes the meds to bring you back to earth what is wrong with that? My wife was put though hell with different meds untill she found the right doctor (he has panic disorder also). Keep working on the meds until you find the right thing.<P> Also, People with panic disorder are those who it has finally distory their lives. My wife can now go back almost 30 years and explain better so of her feelings. In Panic Disorder your mind with become so affair of these attackes that the mind will actually push you into a attack.<P> Sobeit, like I said I think you may have more going on here but you do sound to be going though some panic also. Panic will distory you, it will make your life a mess. Fight it now before it does win. Xanax is the best drug on the market for it. Your typical doctor with talk about Valium and Transine (in the same family) as being better due to the way they hold up in your system but they are a joke and DO NOT WORK. Find a doctor you like, Take the meds. Fight for your life now before it has distory everything. You can do this, You are not crazy, Panic is actually a biological problem the same as a cold is.<P> Sobeit, I will help in any way I can. I would like to send you my email address so you can get in touch easier. I do want to stand nameless on this board so if you can find a way to do this please let me know.<P> SOBEIT, PLEASE FIND A DOCTOR, FIND THE RIGHT MEDS. HANG IN THERE I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THOUGH AND I KNOW IT IS HARD BUT YOU CAN AT LEAST GET TO THE POINT MY WIFE IS AT. HER LIFE IS NOW SOMEWHAT NORMAL, TRUE SHE NOW TAKES NAPS (NO BIGGY) SHE TAKES MED AND IS ALWAYS WITHIN ARM'S REACH OF XANAX, But this disease no longers controls her life.<P> One more point. If you let this slide you may find that you will develop more and more fears of doing something until you life is more a small faction of what it once was.<P> Good Luck

Again, thank you very much for your concerns and advice. All I can tell you is that I will do my best to get the help I need in whatever legal, positive form is best for my overall wellness. My prayers and love to you all.

SoBeIt-<P>More "Information" than you may want at this point, but I passs on to you information that I share with you as "Info Only" that you can consider as a result of what I have learned and experienced with my partner and issues that seem much related. I am not expert but sharing this with you in hope that you find the path that feels good for you with all the help from yourself and your friends.<P>Others have mentioned it and I will to as it releates to Panic and Anxiety that may be drivers of some of your feelings and reactions.<P>Seeing your M.D. is a top priority for sure but make sure you see one that is specialized in this field. If you live in a city that has a medical school operating a hospital or clinic, look for those physicians that deal with and specialize in Anxiety/Panic/Social Phoia areas. If not...look up the above on many sites that focus on Panci / Anxiety / Social Phobia and they will give you state by state listing for your to use. But from my experience with my partner...combination therapy seems to have the best chance for success to really help you improve...that is medication plus cognitive therapy together seems to have the highest impact on making people better, faster and feeling/staying that way for the long hall. The symptoms you talk about in the separation from reality, feeling you are in a fog, wanting to de-tach from circle of associates and friends and be "Separate" all ring a bell in what I have experienced as times from my partner.<P>As others have told you...you are not alone. You can do it! We are all behind you wishing you success on your journey.<P>mrrlk