I know it is projection when my H accuses me of not acting in good faith, being "dishonest" (because I said I would go back to work when the kids were "older", and still being home when the little one was all of three years old), etc., etc., but it doesn't make dealing with it any easier. In his mind, no matter what I do or don't do, I am apparently being unfair to him. I have read that men in MLC generally do feel persecuted by their wives, and respond by getting whatever revenge they can. But I see no prospect of it ever getting better - why would he allow himself to feel any guilt, to accept any responsibility for his situation, when it is so much easier for him to blame me for everything? What is the point of hoping that it will ever change, even in the slightest? I can easily envision him at 80 years old, still blaming me for everything that ever went wrong in his life. If the relationship with the OW does not last, he might add her to the list of people to blame, but why on earth would he ever choose to blame himself?

Nellie 1. Tell me honestly, has your h always blamed others????<P>If so, he just can't face himself. He must not like himself. He probably could use counseling. Of course you know that you can't change him.<P>The MLC thing is really a drag. It seems that our H view us as every negative female ever created. I felt like my H looked at me like a man-eater, a shrew, a witch etc.etc. I read a lot of books by mid life crises. <P>It helped me learn how to NOT let the projections on to me. It is hard and I still feel pretty bad about myself. I question every thing I ever said or did. I find it so hard that my h seemed to love me one day and not the next. He couldn't even kiss me on the lips. <P>Now he has a hard time making eye contact. Plus, his eyes do not really look like his. I feel so sad and disappointed in life in general and I know you do too.<P>I wish I could be more helpful, I have been told that most men come out of this and end up close to the values that they had. I hope this is the case with my H. The problem is that we don't know how long it will take. <P>I am told that pushing them, or being angry back just prolongs it. As hard as it is I think you just have to disengage as much as you can. I can thanks to some antidepressants whtich I keep trying to stop but then I get to weepy. <P><BR>I think of you often, because it seems like we have a similar situation. My H has stopped being so angry with me. I refused to take it. Plus, now that he is out of the house, he is still miserable and he isn't living with me so I know it cant be all me.

Nellie, my husband is the master of projection also. And, yes, he has ALWAYS blamed me, sometimes very subtly, for everything that has gone wrong -- if he stubs his toe it's somehow my fault. This is the sign of an emotionally immature person and it is also sometimes one of the signs of an abusive personality. <BR>Anyway, as for "counseling," I doubt it ever works unless they actually want help; after all, isn't it easier and more convenient to just keep blaming and scapegoating someone else for all of their failings? My H always manages to find a counselor who will feed right into his lies and garbage. He's paying for the counseling and the counselor always makes sure he gets his money's worth. i wish I could help you but I'm in the same boat. I used to say to my H, <BR>If I should die before you do, make sure you inscribe on my tombstone "It was all her fault." Yes, my logic tells me that his abuse/scapegoating will follow me to the grave. Sad, isn't it?

tootrusting,<P>Yes, he has always blamed others, although it has gotten worse since he left. <P>My H seems to get angrier and angrier with me every day, and I don't know why. He says one thing and the next day says something completely different, perhaps after consulting the OW. He said he wanted to meet for lunch once or twice a week to discuss settlement issues; he never mentioned it again and then angrily stated that he would not discuss anything about finances in person with me. I offered to pay off some of our credit card debt - he responded, "Sounds good", - awhile later he changed his mind, and got mad at me, accusing me of going back on our agreement for splitting the debt! Even his lawyer could not understand why he would get mad when I offered him money. <P>I think our kids annoy the OW, and I bet that they also annoy her kids. That, according to him, is apparently also my fault. I doubt if he is very happy, but he seems to have convinced himself that I am to blame for everything that he is unhappy about. I get the impression that he thinks that if it weren't for whatever I have or haven't done, our kids would be perfect, finances would not be a problem, and his life with the OW would be idyllic.<P>I suspect that even if I were to kick the bucket tomorrow, he would continue to blame me somehow for everything that went wrong in his life. <P>There don't seem to be too many cases of spouses here who are as consistently angry as mine. I have read stories of spouses who have been even more hurtful, but even they seem to act nice once in a great while. My H has been nothing but angry, and it has gotten much, much worse since this summer, which was several months after discovery/divorce filing. One day he was fine - he came to see the children and was cheerful. I suggested that I could go out for a few hours, and come back and take the kids swimming and he could show me how to run the grill. He said he didn't have a problem with that. I came back a few hours later and he was on the phone with the OW. When he got off he was a changed man, and has been getting worse ever since. The only thing I can think of is that she gave him an ultimatum. I have only once or twice seen him act even close to human since then - and that was when his father was hospitalized with a serious illness.

MovingOn,<P>My H has always blamed someone - but in the old days, it wasn't always me. He was more of an equal opportunity blame-spreader. Now, it is all concentrated on me.

MY H is a master at blame, but in an insiduous way..never overt enough to be blatant, but there to make one feel bad. Of course he thought he was brilliant and therefore everyone else was stupid, therefore it was always someone else's fault. This man can never apologize either.<P>He will blame with a smile on his face as he bashes one.<P>If the kids are not ok, it is because they live with me! not for one minute is it because their parents are getting divorced! <P>In any case that is my fault too...I sued him for divorce...he was not to blame in any way. My fault he had the affair as I drove him to it!<P>Any logic can and will be twisted to deflect self criticism and introspection and the nearest and dearest are good targets<P>At work, as he is the boss, someone else is to blame etc. He is the only one who can be right! How sad really. very poor self esteem and childhood baggage is a root cause of all this and mlc too.

MY H is a master at blame, but in an insiduous way..never overt enough to be blatant, but there to make one feel bad. Of course he thought he was brilliant and therefore everyone else was stupid, therefore it was always someone else's fault. This man can never apologize either.<P>He will blame with a smile on his face as he bashes one.<P>If the kids are not ok, it is because they live with me! not for one minute is it because their parents are getting divorced! <P>In any case that is my fault too...I sued him for divorce...he was not to blame in any way. My fault he had the affair as I drove him to it!<P>Any logic can and will be twisted to deflect self criticism and introspection and the nearest and dearest are good targets<P>At work, as he is the boss, someone else is to blame etc. He is the only one who can be right! How sad really. very poor self esteem and childhood baggage is a root cause of all this and mlc too.