I am the other woman. I am considered a cold, heartless ***** immediately when I say that. I live in a world of pain. I have never been loved in my entire life. I have lived on a world of abuse and neglect, a world where only harsh words are spoken and horrible actions taken. <BR> I used to be a good girl. I had the same dreams of a normal, fulfilling life like all the wives out there. Infidelity was a dirty word to me. I swore that I would never be a part of it, and I had absolutely no desire to become involved in something I considered so wrong. However, life experiences change people. I need love, but I have lost the ability to trust, the ability to love fearlessly, the ability to let anyone know me for who I really am. I have built walls high around my heart. The only safe relationship for me is one that I know I can’t have one hundred percent. It saves me from my fear of intimacy. It gives me just enough happiness to keep going, but at the same time it is so emotionally unfulfilling. It is like a sick disease. I know it’s wrong, and I know I should feel guilty, but for some reason I don’t. I try to imagine the pain I could potentially cause the wife, but it doesn’t stop me from doing what I’m doing.<BR> I hang on to this man by a thread. I feel so empty, and I know I will never find anyone else if I’m still with him. At the same time, the thought of finding someone I could have for my own scares me senseless. I can’t imagine NOT sneaking around. I can’t imagine saying those famous three little words. I hide from reality and my own demons by burying myself in this affair. He doesn’t love me, but I continue doing this. To me, it is better to pretend than to have the real thing and lose it again. I know I have nothing to gain. I know he goes home to his wife every night, and that is where his heart is. I know he is a slimeball for cheating on someone he obviously loves and has every intention of staying with. I ask myself why I would even let such a slimeball sleep with me. I have no better answer than just being addicted to him. Maybe I’m just addicted to pain. Maybe getting less than what I deserve has become the only way I know how to live. <BR> My whole point is that I am not a heartless *****. I simply cannot control myself. I understand that many would tell me that I can control myself, but then again, they have never walked in my shoes. I don’t know when this sick drama will end, or when I will overcome my fears. I live my life day by day, and try not to think about the future, only because it scares me. I am the other woman. <BR>

Hi there,<P> You deserve a much better life than this, have you been to counseling? You don't sound like a heartless *****, just a lost soul.......What in your life made you think this way? LU

I wish I had the words to say that would help you feel better. You said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have never been loved in my entire life.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You are loved, heartfelt1, God loves you, He loves you right now, and has ALWAYS loved you, and always will love you. He can fill the emptiness in your heart. He can erase your sin, if you ask for forgiveness. Talk to Him, heartfelt1, it can change your life. Give your Father in heaven a chance to show you how very much he loves you. <P>There are many caring people here, who will help you and talk with you. You don't have to be the OW, heartfelt1. Let God show you how to overcome your fears, and have joy in your life.<P>God bless you,<BR>MTAW

heartfelt1,<P>Please listen to Lu and MTAW! You are not unlovable and you are not heartless! You are a human being who deserves to fall in love with someone who can love you completely. Being the OW, you are denying yourself that. <P>Please try some counseling.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Even though I have never been the betrayer....I understand every word you are saying. I really understand....and can relate to a few things you have said.<P>Like you.....I don't think I can ever fall in love again. I have been scarred so deeply.....that trusting another man to be honest and faithful, will never happen.<P>Although I don't see myself taking the path that you are following....I understand why.<P>I was pretty much neglected emotionally growing up. Although I had everything I ever wanted....there was something always missing. When I found my H......there seemed to be nothing missing. He filled every emotional void. <P>Now I am to the point that I will never let myself become emotionally involved with anyone again. Emotions hurt.<P>Again....I won't just have meaningless relationships....so I just won't have one...period.<P>I would rather be alone...than lay my heart open ever again.<P>Hugs to you.....<BR>Nancy<p>[This message has been edited by MENTAL (edited March 18, 2000).]

Oh my....<BR>I am sorry for your pain. I too have lived a similar life. I too was abused, mentally, verbally, physically. mostly verbally. But what it did to me is made me feel like no one loved me. So, i constantly try to make people like me. In looking at my affair, I wanted to BE SOMEBODY to him. Not just another woman.BUT SOMEBODY. <P>I have a low self esteem. Better now since I spend so much time reading on the subject of Infideltiy and emotional problems. You must read: "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It will take you through the why's and why nots of affairs. The book is for "people who have had and affair and people who are thinking of it" I know from reading it, it will help you understand why you feel the way you do.<P>When someone hurts you in childhood, you take that pain with you through your life. What ever is not reconsiled in one relationship will continue into the next. No matter what the issues are.<P>When i say i am EMOTIONALLY shut off, i feel like you wholey. I discoverd why i feel this way. I tried to talk to my mother about my affair, to express some emotion to try and figure some stuff out. This is what she said," I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS. YOU MADE A SELFISH DECISION AND RUINED YOUR MARRIAGE. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. IT IS SIN. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION."<BR> In remembering my childhood, that was the answer to any trouble I got into. If I knew better in the first place then it was my problem. period. I was never allowed to cry without being hassled. She is such a b****! <P>See, I still have problems with MOM. She was not there for me(us, there are 3)emotionally. Therefore, my husband couldn't certainly fit the bill for emotional stability either. (he WAS just as bad as my mother)(he isn't now) <P>So the first thing you have to do, is get counseling for your emotional well being. Read, read and read if you cannot get to counseling right now. Find a same sex person to talk to, to help you realize what a special person you really are. <P>"With God, nothing is impossible" but If you do not know God, then this statement means almost nothing. do you?<P>If so, I will post more for you later. If not I will still post for you.<P>Good luck. <BR>You are loved.

Hey, I can be supportive and all. But I don't think that is what you need. You know what you are doing by the sounds of it.<P>If you want to change go and seek help. If you want pity, sure. But make the decision and do it, no one can do it for you.<P>J

Dear heartfelt1,<P>You are not 'the other woman', any more than I am a 'cheated on man'. These are events in our lives, not who we are. Please do not choose to let this tragic portion of your life define your identity. <P>It sounds as if you have led a hard life; a life that has gradually changed an innocent, hopeful girl into a hardened, hopeless woman. I believe you want to learn how to hope again, or you wouldn't have taken the major step of reaching out here.<P>Life has broken you. It hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much you wonder how you can go on. <P>But there is someone who has been waiting for you, waiting for you to tire of all the other things you have tried to find meaning in life. Someone who loves you with an unconditional love, a love you can always be sure of. Someone who will give new hope, and a new purpose to your life. I think you know who that someone is...<P>But knowing that He exists is not the same thing as knowing Him. In fact, it makes all the difference. Imagine the difference between a man dying of thirst who is thinking of an oasis, and a man who actually finds an oasis and drinks his fill.<P>Jesus told the woman at the well that He wants to give us 'living water'. You are dying, dying of thirst. To invite Him into your life, pray this prayer:<P>Lord, I know I have made many mistakes in my life. I have lost my way, but I want to come home. I believe that You sent your Son, Jesus, to pay the price for all my sins. I repent of my sins now, and accept your forgiveness. Please send Your Holy Spirit to dwell within me and give me a new life, a fresh start.<P>In Jesus’ name,<P>Amen.<P>...<P>Taking the first step is that simple. There are many here on this site who know Him, and who are more than willing to help you. <P>Like you, I was broken. But with His help, I survived, and allowed myself to be reshaped into the man that He wanted me to be.<P>You, too, can be:<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

Get yourself to a good couselor, now. I used to jetison every boyfriend after about a month, maybe two if he wasn't that nice.<BR>I had a fear of intimacy, of trusting. You are being used and you are using. The sooner you get to the root of the problem the more years you will have to really enjoy life. Hurry, the years fly by.<P>No one thinks you are a cold heartless ****<BR>but many will think that you are not making the most of you time on earth for yourself or for others.

To Heartfelt1:<BR>It is always a tragedy when whatever happened to us in our childhood shapes whatever happens in our adulthood. However, sometimes this is used as an excuse for anyone to act immorally. I am tired of hearing excuses and tired of hearing the reasons why a woman has an affair with a married men and viceversa. You could be my husband's OW...she doesn't care how much she has hurt and continues to hurt me...she sleeps with my husband every chance she gets...she talks to my husband every chance she gets...before I found out about the two of them he spent countless hours with her instead of me and his two teenagers who needed him. He would come home at 10:00pm (3 hours later than usual) and he would "work" late every night (2 hours later than usual)...taking time away from his family for her...whatever the reasons why my husbands OW did this it nevertheless hurt me and his kids...both my husband and his OW were/are selfish...