For the past 2 weeks, I've been trying to restore my marriage. My husband was not getting emotional and sexual gratification from me (my fault-I was always tired and put the kids needs in front of his), so he resorted to talking to other women on the internet. I went to a marriage counselor who made the suggestion that I start acting and playing the role of the perfect wife - something like plan A. I have gone on a starvation/anorexic diet and have lost 10 lbs., reiterated in my mind that I'm sexually attractive and desirable, have dinner waiting on the table and the house always clean. My H and I have been having the best sex of our lives these past two weeks. <BR>The problem: he is still talking to other women on the internet. We talked about it again this morning. He doesn't feel like he needs to change, just because I've changed my views on what a perfect wife is. He also says that in the Bible, there is nothing that says he is committing adultery. I say there is, but he brings up the old testament, and King Solomon had 700 wives, blah, blah, blah. He thinks that I have done my own thing for the past 10 years and now it is his turn. Before I quit my job to have children, I travelled a lot in my job. He thought I did that just to get away from him - I guess paying off the house and all the bills had nothing to do with my paycheck and job!<BR>Anyway, my question is - can any of you give me some exact verses in the Bible that states that a man should have and be true to only one wife? <BR>I know from this posting that my H sounds like a son of a *****, but he truly is a good person and I love him with all my heart. I think the evil one has a strong hold on him right now and he needs help tremendously, but he will not go to a counselor with me. Anyway, if anybody has some thoughts on this, I would truly appreciate it!<p>[This message has been edited by toots_007 (edited March 20, 2000).]

It sounds to me like your husband may have an addiction of some sort. In other words, he's giving you a lot of excuses for not giving up what he enjoys doing. If that's the case, reading him bible verses may not convince him to give it up....for every verse you show him that proves your point, he'll just come up with more that seems to give him the right to continue what he is doing....and have you too. If he is addicted to the activity you are talking about, then <BR>he is probably not thinking straight. Your best bet at this point is to set up a counseling session with one of the Harley's (they know how to deal with addictions) or to call Willard Harley during his radio program. Then PRAY and ask the Lord to show you what to do about this problem. <BR>Better yet, pray first, Okay? <P>CJ<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Psalm 42

This may sound crazy to you, and it is just my opinion, of course.. but why not give him back some of his own medicine, so to speak.. be on the computer chatting with some one, any one.. and if he questions it, say I wanted to see what it felt like getting attention from other men on her as you do woman... ask what he talks about with them, go in the room while he is chatting with them if he has nothing to hide, he won`t be up set if you are there.. <P>make any sence!!?? I think this is what I would do.. but then again that is me.. you have to do what you feel is best... but let me tell you this much.. I am on this computer alot.. and I do!!! get alot of married men looking for a chat.. they find me, I do not look for them, and being I am going through this crap, want nothing to do with any married man.. but they are prowling.. for sure.. I am one who brushes them off.. but many woman out there don`t even make the first move and ask if they are married.. (I do) and sometimes these guys do lie any way.. so one never knows.. just be open, and honest.. and up front.. let him know you are not a door mat.. and see how he feels about other men writting you!!! <P>Lots of luck to you.. AV

Thank you for your reply. I know I need to get my H to a counselor. I know he has an addiction. He just won't go there! He says he doesn't need a "stranger" to tell him what he is doing wrong and he feels offended that I need to have a stranger tell me what I should do. I even told him that we would be seeing a professional, not a stranger. We go to a doctor when we are sick, likewise we should go to a counselor when there are marriage differences. He said all doctors are quacks and most don't know what they're doing. I can't win!<BR>About praying: I have been praying BIG TIME! My Priest has been praying also. Another problem is my religion. I take the kids to church every week, and then some. He does not participate.

anster: Thank you for your reply. One thing I did not mention is that one of his fantasies is to have two women, one preferrably to be myself (should I feel flattered?).<BR>I fear that if I participate in his chats now, as I have a couple times in the past, that he will want us to get together with one of them. <BR>I actually asked him how he would feel if I started pursuing other men, just like you stated. He thinks I already had my fun when I was travelling with my job (I wasn't having any affairs on the road). Bottom line, I did my own thing to make me happy, and now he wants to do his (he absolutely hated me going out of town).

Toots,<P>How about Matthew 5:27-30. Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.<P>Mitzi

Toots<BR>That was quick!!! YOU go to a counselor without him, Okay? But be very careful who you go to....some may tell you that what he is doing is no big deal. Others will want you to start with your childhood, write letters to mom telling her how you feel about her and want to deal with things that are totally irrelevant. They're a pain in the neck!!!! That's why I advised you to get counseling through Marriage Builders. It took me 4 years to find someone who could help with my husband's addiction to pornography and went through hell trying to find someone. We finally got counseling through a pastor whose opinions were close to Willard Harley's.<BR> One thing that did help convense my husband was to tell him that he could have <BR>his women friends (he was also having emotional affairs) or he could have me, but not both. But you need some back up and a plan to be able to do that. <BR> Good luck...I'll be praying with you.<P>CJ

All men, and even some woman have that very same fantasy.. that is normal... but just by you telling me he was jealous of you out of town, confirms what he would feel like if you did do this back to him.. and I know it all sounds like games.. and in reality, it is.. but we have to be the better, wiser, stronger, and longer lasting players here.. <P>people get older and they do get bored and change.. that is also inevidable.. but is it so terrible to want that romance back in your lives.. (not an orgy) but to go into things differently then you have been, to suit you both.. explore a bit, so he feels you are expanding for him..? the old rut of a sex life is a big priority after yrs together.. which most don`t face head on.. they avoid what could be so simple to comlpy with, if they put there heads together.. buy books, get new idea`s.. <P>I want to just add.. my mom and dad are divorced for yrs now.. but her getting very religious.. DID!!! push him away so much so.. she got even deeper into it, and now it seems, it is her life.. I am not a religious person, so forgive me, I don`t mean to offend.. but religion can not be forced on any one, it can only force them further from you.. I have seen this happen over and over.. again and again..<P>I hope I didn`t sound to forward.. or offend you I don`t mean to.. I get very blunt sometimes to a fault.. and your right, I don`t know you or your situation, but I do get to talk alot in my business, and I talk to both men and woman.. (I`m a hair dresser!! need I say more!!) but what I get is both sides, and it is all so very much the same.. we are all looking for more excitment.. happiness that is lacking in what has become a rut.. knowing each other too well. and knowing what to expect.. we all nedd the unexpected.!! both men and woman, are so much alike.. it amazes me, yet we all think we`re so different.. it all boils down to talking... constantly.. never let up.. make every moment count!!! take what you do have together, and turn it around.. <P>again lots of luck...AV<P>

Mitzi: I'll look it up - thanks!<BR>CJ: I've already been to a counselor - last week. He suggested that I start playing the role of the perfect wife, what I think that is, in my mind. I had already been doing this the week before I saw the counselor, fulfilling every need my H had (except the 2 women thing). I've continued, but it hasn't really changed his addictions. Of course, situations don't just change overnight and I know this will take time.<P>I guess the good news is that he was supposed to see someone this weekend, but stayed home with me and the kids instead. The bad news is that he told the OW he had to work all weekend (I did a bad thing and read his e-mail).<P>It seems to me that I'm doing everything I can. I don't whine or nag, I keep the house and the yard cleaned and mowed, supper is ready when he comes home, I surprised him by purchasing sex toys that we are really enjoying together. I'm losing weight and starting to feel better about myself. What else am I supposed to do?

anster: I am not offended by your opinion. You are correct to a degree - I have gotten more religious and he hasn't. When we had the children (they are 4&6), I started going to church. I felt that they needed to be raised morally in the church. That is how I was raised (and my H, also). It's just that I stopped going to church while I was in college and during our first few years of marriage, however, I continued to pray every day, and I never lost my faith.<P>I know religion is an issue, and I am willing to compromise, but he thinks that now that I am religious, I won't do anymore "fun stuff" with him. Would I have bought sex toys and gone to nude beaches with him if that was the case? I'm just not willing to have sex with other women, or have other women involved in our relationship - is that so wrong????<P>

You didn't do a bad thing by reading his e-mail. You should read it and find out what he is up to. BUT, if he has an addiction...more and better sex will not solve the problem. It might put it off for awhile but it won't solve it, and my husband is the first person who will tell you that.<BR>I almost wish he were here to answer your post. It might be a good idea to go back to the Q&A section and look for the article "What to do if your husband has an addiction to pornography." I'm not certain if your husband has that kind of addiction, but the article may still be relevant to your situation. <P>CJ

No, it is not wrong of you, and you are absolutly right... not to.. but! perhaps bringing in porn tapes while actually in the act.. may help.. this is some what of a turn on as well.... and it may feel as though those woman are right there... there are all kinds of tapes.. (just woman, men with woman, etc...) try that see what happens.. <BR> <BR>I want you to know, I can not imagine living with this kind of personality, and I am not a professional, to be giving advise.. but there must be a way for him to come to terms with this, eventually.. it is just finding that edge.. and I wsih you loads of luck in doing so.. this has got to be so frustrating and hard for you.. and knowing what you`ve now written, of what you have tried and out out, I can really empathize with you.. <P>AV<P>

Anster:<BR>thanks for your reply. I have no objections to porno tapes, or anything that involves just the two of us for that matter. I will try that this evening.<BR>I have also thought about being with him while he is on the internet. I won't be judgemental or anything. Maybe my presence will change something. I don't think I can talk to other men on the net though. I did this in the past just to please him, and I think it just gave him more of a reason and approval to continue to talk and meet with other women. I guess I'll have to think about this more.<BR>

Your welcome for the replies... I have to say.. this is a complicated delema... and maybe if he were to read some of your posts.. he would hear and re-think what he is doing to your relationship... addiction of any kind can cause so much harm in a relationship.. but do they really know and understand what it really feels like to the other person involved... NO!!! because it is self indulgence as well.. and that means a juvinile attitude.. and that means handling this as though he is a kid!!! 5 yr old to be exact!! LOL!! (I got the old.. "I don`t want it any more" ) like I am something that can be thrown away.. (which I was) and never to be delt with again.. (which is very NOT!! the case.. for a long shot!) being we have a kid.. I am going to be around in HIS!! juvinile life.. for a long time to come.. like it or not.. but thats nowmy problem, not yopurs.. so back to the subject at hand..<BR> <BR>My ex BIL.. was a sex addict.. left my sister, 9 yrs ago.. she just re-married.. but her old man.. he is living with some one that turned out to be so so so menapausal.. he is now suffering more then he ever did with my sister.. The moral of the story is.. grass is ALWAYS!!! greener!!!! <P>They don`t know what they had until it is gone!!! <P>Don`t make it too easy for him.. for the more you give the more they want.. and I also hope you are getting your needs filled.. as well.. This almost sounds so one sided.. and that bothers me too.. do not let him let your love cup empty out!!! <P>AV

Anster:<BR>Thanks for your reply. It sounds as though you feel the same way I do!<BR>My H and I had another discussion last night - this time on the Bible and how polygamy and adultery is discussed. He is thoroughly convinced that if I want to live by "my" Bible, polygamy was an accepted practice. He says that religions today twist the words in the Bible to fit their interpretations and needs. <P>I have a long road ahead of me...........<P>Anyway, I'm going to re-read plan A, and go about business the best I can. The kids and I have some activities at the Church this weekend, which my H does not want to participate in. He has already informed me that 2 different women would like to meet with him this weekend.<P>At this point, I'm not going to fight because it will not accomplish anything. I will be the best wife I can possibly be, and be happy and upbeat. <P>I have lost 15 pounds and am starting to see a big difference in my looks - so has my H. We have sex almost every night and it has been the most satisfying I have had in a LONG time. My H pays a lot of attention to me in that department now. Maybe if I can kill him with kindness, he will start to realize what he is jeopardizing.<P>Call me a big loser and fraidy cat, but I think I will try this route for awhile. All else fails, when I achieve the looks I want, I'll play by my own rules. I'm not a bad looking person and I enjoy adventures as much as anybody else. I'm just not into orgies and bisexual encounters. I could go my own way if I had to.

toots_007,<P>OK... I'm going to get flamed on this...<BR>...but I already posted it once anyway...<P>Check out my "final" reply to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001674.html" TARGET=_blank>GOD IS ABLE TO HEAL THE PAIN OF DIVORCE</A>... (at the very end)...<P>And then take a look at the 2 other links...<A HREF="http://members.xoom.com/DianeDew/adulforn.htm" TARGET=_blank>Adultery & Fornication</A>... by Diane S. Dew (copyrighted)...and...<A HREF="http://www.probe.org/docs/adultery.html" TARGET=_blank>Adultery</A> by Kerby Anderson.<P>Please take my warning seriously...education of waywards is in most cases a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<BR>For the faithful spouse... reflection... forgiveness... and love... not vindication... is what should be sought.<P> <P>Jim

Give your H this scripture:<P><B>Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. </B><P>Enough said. <P>Jim (NSR) is right.

NSR:<BR>Thank you so much for your reply!<BR>Those links are exactly what I needed to use for discussion with my H. <BR>One of the things he wanted to discuss with me last night was the scriptures. Unfortunately, I was too emotionally upset to debate with him. We spent the next 3 hours discussing our feelings behind this issue. Some of it was heated, but our entire discussion was done fairly and not mean. He asked me to devote the next two weeks on this subject so we could get it out of the way and move on to the next issue we have with each other.<P>I know I sound like I just want to succomb to his needs and just shut up and go along to keep peace, and most of the time, that is what I do. Most of the time it is just easier, but I know in the long run it won't solve anything. Thank you for reminding me and keeping me motivated.<P>Alcoholic's Wife:<BR>I already have that scripture written down, thank you. <P>If you all have any more motivational ideas, I'd be most grateful to hear them. Thank you for caring! I really love this site - I don't feel so alone.

toots...<BR> <BR>Let me tell you.. that you have to do as you see fit for your situation.. If it were me, I wouldn`t be a door mat and let him have his cake and eat it too.. I would have his bags packed and say go meet those woman, but don`t come back if you do.. I would also have a private eye, get soe great photo`s to show the judge when needed!!!!! I am sorry.. this errks me so much, when men do this crap!!!! especially when they have such a good woman home.. that means they have no respect!! what so ever!! ohh!!! I`m so mad!!<P>this man needs a good beating.. to knock some sence into him.. sorry again.. I know you love him, but this is rediculas.. and admitting he (MAY!) meet these woman, and to allow this to happen, may mean this will go on and on, with him knowing you are going to take it, even if for a little while.. <P>I would tell him leave, and let him feel so alone.. and let him realize to appreciate what he has.. and what he is going to loose!!! because it is not just you.. it is the kids too... he will miss this life.. expecially having his cake every day!! as you seem to be doing for him.. <P>I give you credit for putting up with this (sorry slim!!!!! he sounds like he is becoming quite the con artist!!! <P>I do wish you well.. and hope everything works out for the both of you.. really I do.. I hope in time he`ll come around to his sences, for you.. <P>AV

toots...<BR> <BR>Let me tell you.. that you have to do as you see fit for your situation.. If it were me, I wouldn`t be a door mat and let him have his cake and eat it too.. I would have his bags packed and say go meet those woman, but don`t come back if you do.. I would also have a private eye, get soe great photo`s to show the judge when needed!!!!! I am sorry.. this errks me so much, when men do this crap!!!! especially when they have such a good woman home.. that means they have no respect!! what so ever!! ohh!!! I`m so mad!!<P>this man needs a good beating.. to knock some sence into him.. sorry again.. I know you love him, but this is rediculas.. and admitting he (MAY!) meet these woman, and to allow this to happen, may mean this will go on and on, with him knowing you are going to take it, even if for a little while.. <P>I would tell him leave, and let him feel so alone.. and let him realize to appreciate what he has.. and what he is going to loose!!! because it is not just you.. it is the kids too... he will miss this life.. expecially having his cake every day!! as you seem to be doing for him.. <P>I give you credit for putting up with this (sorry slim!!!!! he sounds like he is becoming quite the con artist!!! <P>I do wish you well.. and hope everything works out for the both of you.. really I do.. I hope in time he`ll come around to his sences, for you.. <P>AV