Ladies...What would deposit Love Units in your Love Bank?<P>Ladies please help me build a list of Love Units that I can give my wife over the next few months. I would appreciate any suggestions. Please help me bring her back to me.<P>I wish I could get some response from some of the wonderful ladies on this site. I think they would be most helpful. The more imaginable the better. I will consider any suggestion. The emotional need she craves most is attention and affection.<P>Please help make a list!!!<BR>

This one is too easy...! I`m surprised you even asked... You must know her the best of any one.. does she have some sort of interest, or have collectables she loves.. buy her one!! cards with those unbeleivable love notes in them!!! with one long stem red rose, left on her car at work.. saying can`t stop thinking of you..! <P>Of course with each thing you do, wait a day or two or even three, and see if there is a responce.. then try something else.. Maybe she is stressed out and needs a message.. but is not ready for it to be from you.. so give her a gift certificate saying.. let me help! destress you...! I hate seeing you like this.. or something to that effect.. <P>Do you cook, bake!!! some times home made, (from some one that never usually did) makes for a un-beleiveable surprise!!! then you can ask her to join you for dinner (you made!!) and coffee and some home made (what ever) with you, from you.. under candle light of course!!! (but that depends on how things are going..) have the house spick and span, looking ready for comfort, (not so much expecting anything else).<P>Take time and effort in setting everything up and have it ready, so she doesn`t have to do a thing!! <P>get a limo.. have it at her house/place the minute she gets in from work.. with the shoffer handing her a note.. you are to join Mr. ? for dinner and dancing with in the hour.. (also have long stem rose waiting in the car.. saying can`t wait to see you!!)or what ever you feel appropriate.. <P>god I can go on and on.. romance her.. take her breath away.. that is what these OW/OM are doing!!!!! <P>good luck.....AV

I don't want to make light of your situation but for me, right now anything would work! <P>Just do anything thoughtful and loving but don't pressure her. Try not to have any expectations. I loved for my H to brush my hair. Try that. It's very relaxing and sensual. <P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi

What I would like (can only assume this would transfer):<P>Flowers delivered to the office.<P>A maid service for one day. (Takes the pressure off.)<P>An e-mail card.<P>A concert I'd like to go to, even if H wouldn't, without knowing what a grand sacrifice he's making.<P>An e-mail for no reason except to say "I love you!"<P>A photo framed (of him or of our family) especially for me to put in my office.<P>For him to hold my hand when we are out together.<P>A smile and a kiss when we first get home from work--first thing!<P>A surprise vacation (even overnight).<P>A card to remember some goofy "anniversary" (anniversary of first time we met, when we found out we were expecting, the first sonogram, first went to a new restaurant).<P>Look at what she does for you--it could be she's really hoping you might do the same for her!<P>Good luck! <P>

Well, I would take just about anything at this point! <P>I always loved it when my H gave me little notes or cards just to say "I Love You." Looking back, he probably didn't realize how much they meant to me, because I didn't let him know.<P>Flowers are always nice. You might try giving her different colors of roses meaning dfferent things. For example, red roses with a card attached saying "I Love You". Pink, yellow, white, could all have different meanings. It doesn't matter whether it is a single rose or a dozen roses. And it doesn't have to be roses, it just has to com from you heart!<P>Is there somewhere you wife as always wanted to go? Or do? Maybe you could offer to take her.<P>I like my H to always show me he loves me. One way he has shown me in the past is to be understanding of what is going on in my life. Ask about my day, how I am feeling, and let me know he is there if I need to talk or whatever.<P>I think anything that comes from your heart is worth trying. I don't think most women are that picky. They just like to know you care.

These suggestions are all great but... Always a but. Go back to your first post look at what you wrote the things she has complained about. Work on those, you can send her all the flowers,etc in the world but unless you change what is wrong in your marriage they won't help. That to me would be the ultimate love deposit in the world. <P> Talk to her, spend time, and listen to what she has to say. It will be hard at first and she may not responsd but the more that you show that you are will to do this and the more often you try the easier it becomes. <P>You have to show that you are willing to chnage. The other things are nice, but those things were not the reason she started looking for someone else. Beside you can't really keep those up and they may actually become LBs. Show her you care by doing the things that she wants, be most of all listen, talk and spend time. I think those will deposit the long last love deposits.<P><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks Ladies<P>These are all great responses. I will probably try each one. <P>You should know that she moved out because of the OM. She is due back from England after 14 days with the OM tommorow. I love her very much and still want her back and will due what I need to do to deposit Love Units. If you have different ideas after reading this let me know. I do appreciated it very much.

First I'm a guy but here are some suggestions I found that seemed to work for me. Ladies help both of use and let me know what you think of these<P>Basic Golden Rule<P>She needs to be treated as the most special _______ (everything) in you life. examples more special then football. more special then friends, more special then what you did at work. More special then _________ (evrything)<P>I would suggest a web search on "ROMANTIC TIPS"<P>---- Things I've done ----<P>1) She came home to heart signs that said she had a hard day and follow me. Footprints with other messages lead her to the bedroom. I had candles buring all over and a hot bath wanting and some wine and relaxation music. I helped her into the bath and left her to relax. I also had a new rob and a bottle of Beautiful perfume wanting on the counter. Of course you need to add a label that the beautiful perfume is for the most beautiful lady you know.<P>2) Woman got this thing about feelings. They really get into this. I have always been one to not be very open about them so I made her a CD of love songs and wrote what each song meant to me and how it related to her and us\<P>3) redo a prescription bottle with labels you create and put things on a piece of paper that your'll do for her.<P>4) put your time and your effort into making or modifing something just for her. What seems to be the biggy here is that YOU take the time to do this for her.<P>5) For Valentines day I took heart candy and covered the bed cabinets ... with all types of hearts. On the bedroom door I put a heart with the saying "When I think of you, Hearts go everywhere". Why not do it because is Wednesday. <P>6) If your like most guys we get to tied up in just dealing with making a living and making ends meet. If so say the hell with it and do something crazy.<P>7) Be crazy, walk in the rain, play in snow whatever, be a kid again, do what you did when you first meat and were going out.<P>8) St. patricks day I wear a green hat with green easter litter all day and we had a great time. (The moral here is WHO CARES have fun)<P>Good Luck and I'll think of some more.<P>

Sorry J I didn't realize that she had already moved out. My wife didn't so I had more flexiblity. <P> I just read you other post and you come a background similar to mind. I realized early on that I had to jump off the cliff and start opening up. It wasn't easy and I felt like a fool several times but that was meaningless next to losing my wife. J, Start talking to her. Put yourself right in front of her without anything to disturb you and just go for it, open up, tell her how you feel, pour it on. I think your wife would like to see that you have a heart and some feelings. I know you do because I know I do yet never showed it. Shock her, talk to her, if you cry so what, it would do the two of you good.<P> I don't feel like one that has a lot of room to talk on what to do but I do feel that this may have been one thing that I did right. If you honestly love her whatever your feeling will not be wrong, so do it. What is the worst thing that can happen ??? Losing her ??? start opening up and watch her closely and I think you'll see her open up some too.<P><BR>

Ladies and Gentlemen<P>All of you are so helpful, I just cannot believe the compassion on this site. I really appreciate everyone's efforts. Some have assumed she is living at home now. She left a little over 2 weeks ago. We held each other cried, told each other we loved one another before she moved out, but she still moved out. She has been out of the country visiting OM whom she met on the Internet. I know that I left her vulnerable. My councilor and I are working on that and he says I am doing remarkably well. Crisis has a nasty habit of creating permanent change in a person...and I definitely feel like this is a crisis.<P>I believe that she is not going to want to do a lot of talking right after she gets back from her "romantic" trip. I need to start out small building love units and hope that I can get her to talk over a period of time. Talking was the failure on my part. It did not mean I did not love because I have always loved her very much. She says she loves me but is no longer "in love" with me and that left her open for OM. I understand that and feel very responsible. I can and have put my anger aside because it does not work into my goal...to get her back in my life better than it ever has been. We have been married for nearly 25 years and we started taking each other for granted without realizing it until someone like OM dazzled her on the Internet and phone. She planned the trip to England for 12 days before she met him. She met him twice before in the month of February. He definitely dazzled her.<P>I just need to start building the units on my side and let the affair die as Dr. Harley says most will. I hope so! I need to be in the best possible position when and if that happens. She does not need my money (she makes more than I do) our only child (D) is near 18 and will be moving out to school next fall and that is not going to be much of a factor. I have to appeal to her needs of affection, honesty and communication. I think I need to start with the love building of small gifts, notes, letters, email, etc. The more ideas I have for that the better my success so I can move on to other needs.<P>Please keep the ideas coming!!!!

JW, <BR>Just make sure she is open to those deposits when she gets back. Ones that would make me sure think twice about anyone else would be:<P>Help at home.....doing the dishes, taking care of the outside stuff....giving me time to relax in the evening..<P>Cards/Flowers sent to me at work...a validation of love in front of all!<P>Phone calls during the day, just to say I love you!<P>As finances allow, a little bauble of jewelry...<P>As i am doing the dishes, a little kiss, caress on my neck.....could lead to more, you never know!<P>Ok, I am getting excited......if I think of anything else, I will let you know!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Thanks Sue<P>I appreciate the ideas and any more that you may have. Please read the note above yours. She's not at home she moved out.<P>J Willy

My husband has given my candy, earrings, sent sappy e-mail cards, I loved it all.<P>But the most meaningful thing was that he started really talking to me, really telling me what he was thinking and feeling.<P>When she gets back, if you can, hold her and tell her how much you missed her. It is harder if she's moved out, no two ways about it. Do what you can, when you can.<P>Good luck to you.

J Willy, <P>I thought of one other thing that might help put love units in--perhaps.<P>I know my H has a hobby that is bordering on obsession. It is an issue in our marriage that we have to work on outside of the affair. Some other folks I've talked to say their husbands' work seems to be the same for them. I don't know if she ever felt neglected because of a hobby of yours or work habits, but that is a possibility. (My H felt as though he was taking third place in my life after work and me being pregnant.)<P>Anyway, my suggestion is that you try taking up some new hobby and tell her about it in a romantic way when you talk. This does three things: 1) gives you something new to do; 2) lets her know you are flexible and can do new things; and 3) gives you two something neutral to talk about (easier to avoid LBs).<P>When you tell her about it, make sure your description leads back to her. For example, if you take up photography, say, "I just started taking pictures down by the park where we used to go walking. Did you know the azaleas are starting to bloom?" Or if you want to start collecting something, say, "I just picked up a new widget. It reminded me of the widget we used to have when we first got married." Or a new sport, "I just took a kayaking lesson. It was so much fun--it reminded me of the time we went to Yosemite in 1992."<P>You get the picture. Something new, but let her know she's still a part of this new thing of yours.<P>Good Luck, J Willy! I'm really pulling for you!<BR>

J Willy,<P>I told you a well phrased post will get you some good results...<P>...now when she (your W) comes back...<BR>assess your situation...<BR>she what she will accept as meeting her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<BR>and as long as she hasn't built up more resent to you (as has happened with my W... ever since she moved out)....<BR><B>do as much as possible</B>!<P>If she starts resenting what you do...<BR>...more thought... creativity... will be needed.<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>You gave great advise. I'm sorry you are in the position to have that knowlege. <P>She got back at 6:00 am this morning. She called while I was in the shower. I only saw the caller ID. She E-mailed me a few minutes ago. She just asked a question about counciling appointment. I started a light love unit in the reply. <P>She said she would call tonight.<P>I have mixed emotions about the call. I'm afraid she will ask for a divorce. No emails from or too OM at this time. I expected him to have an email waiting for her.<P>I will proceed slowly for the next day or two until I figure out where she is at.<P>Thanks for all the advice. I hope things go well with your situation. I am too new at this to offer anything by my prayers...and you and everone else on this site have those from me. I hope we can stay in touch. I do not believe that will be short. I think I will have to settle in for the long run!!

This may not apply right now but I wanted to add it ... yes, I love all those romantic things like flowers & cards & such. But one thing that really fills up my LB is when H does something around the house WITHOUT BEING ASKED!!!! Doesn't have to be anything that spectacular ... but nearly all the time my H doesn't even seem to notice the trash needs taking out or the dishes need washing and I'm in the middle of putting the kid to bed or folding laundry. When he takes it upon himself to jump in and do these things (and doesn't make any big deal about it that might evoke a response like "so? you washed the dishes once. I do it all the time!"), I am filled with love!<P>Hoping the best for you.

Pray for her.

Ok, send her an e-card that says welcome back, I missed you, I'm looking forward to seeing you/talking to you.... what ever. <P>Maybe suggest you have dinner together tonight to discuss the counseling appointment. Take her to a nice resturant, bring her flowers, take her for a romantic walk after dinner -weather permitting (it's snowing here) or even a romantic drive. <P>Since she got back at 6:00 AM, you might want to.....<P>Send her a copy of her favorite movie & a bucket of popcorn (or her favorite "movie" candy),<B>Or</B> Some nice bath salts, her favorite flowers and a relaxing tape/CD, and tell her you are glad she is back, and you realize she is probably tired tonight, but would she like to have dinner tomorrow night? (or lunch.... but dinner offers more time to talk, walk, etc... )<P>Good luck.... If I think of anything else, I will post it!<P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Major honesty: do a true confessions to her. Ask her about her pasts before you in a cute way. <BR>Conversation: on her interests and her family or friends. Get her to talk obout the OM. That would deposit LU's big time if she could confide in a safe way with you. But you have to detach to handle it.<BR>Admiration: Not just for the feminine characteristics, but for any strengths or achievements. both respectful compliments and affectionate ones.<BR>Make handmade gifts for her. Decorative stuff, useful stuff, car accessories, food. Anything she likes.<BR>Massage: take a short class in massage techniques.<P>