I know what I am going to ask will sound judgemental. Please understand that it is not intended to be so.<P>You say that you had a hard life. Is there any unresolved anger associated with the hard portions of your life? <P>I ask this because when I read Gary Smalley's Making Love Last Forever, I realized that my W and me included have some unresolved anger about things that ocurred in our pasts. My W has much more than I do. I added to her unresolved anger by exhibiting behavior similar to that of the offending person.<P>I have developed a great deal of unresolved anger here lately because she won't resolve it. She doesn't want to resolve it. She thinks sweeping it under the rug makes it go away (out of sight out of mind scenario.) She did this with the offfending person as well as with me. Keeping such anger inside only hurts and is spread in the manner in which you and my W let it out. It still goes unresolved and contiues to hurt those around you and most importantly yourself.<P>I like tackling problems head on because it means that the next time we address it, it will be because there is a new twist or it is a refresher because I reverted back to something I had been doing a really long time.<P>When I catch myself doing things because of unresolved anger, I immediately go and apologize for acting like a butt. This happens to ALL of us even though there are very few of us who will honestly admit it. My W does so moreso to shut me up (at least this is how I feel, it never seems to be sincere.)<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You say that you had a hard life. Is there any unresolved anger associated with the hard portions of your life?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not sure why you ask, but I believe I have resolved all of it. I guess it still leaves me more vulnerable than some to feeling like the bottom dropped out when I learned of my h's betrayal. My father, mother, step-father all betrayed me.<P>But I chose my h because he was a wonderful, godly man. I truly believed he was incapable of sneaking around behind my back. I honestly don't think I'm capable of it. That's not to say I'm sinless or anything.<P>One question regarding your other reply: if you were not there to get your wife saved, if God asked you what you wanted; do you want a wonderful marriage with her??<P>Interesting answer on the POJA. It is obviously in conflict with the verses that say a woman should obey her h. But then Paul also says that all should be submissive to each other.<P>In our case, the lack of POJA, my trying to "submit" to him, is largely what got us into this mess. I agreed to him working at a job that required lots of travel, while I raised the kids alone. Resentment built up. At first I felt like cheating on me was the way he paid me back for the sacrifices I made so he could have the "fun" job he wanted.<P>Now I see the importance of Harley's four rules. They are truly built on practical wisdom, true wisdom is a gift from God. And I see that there was a void in both our lives because we were not doing a great job meeting each other's needs.<P>We make decisions POJA, spend 15 hours a week having fun (used to think it was selfish to have fun together, that we had to spend all our free time at church or helping others), and seek to meet each others needs. The lovebusters left by themselves when we started doing the other three. <P><P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Cindy,<BR>From what I remember from Gary Smalley's book, you sound like there are a few things that are still unresolved. Gary uses the anger spray can analogy. When we get to the point of frustration we tend to spray those around us with anger spray. This usually is associated with the resentment thing. I have found myself going here lately because she is spraying a lot.<P>As far as your H being a godly man leaves some room for interpretation. I thought the same about my W. She has committed adultery 8 times that I am aware of. She acknowledges 6 of these. I know that all who profess to be Christian are not always Christian. A true Christian will have the fruit of the Spirit which LOVE is one of the fruit. In 1 Cor 13, it talks about love being long suffering. This is what I am doing. It also says love never fails. I really am not trying to be a martyr. I am merely being obedient to Him. Yes, I struggle from time to time and post like I did. I even apoogize to her for something she was totally unaware that I had done.<P>I want her to know Him more than anything else because when that happens then our marriage will heal. Without her developing a true relationship with Him, there is little hope of our marriage being healed. I would love to have a wonderful marriage with her because that is what God wants for everyone who gets married.<P>I used to believe that she was saved until I heard June Hunt say that she was a professed Christian, attended church and all. But when she developed a true relationship with Jesus then she knew that she was saved. I now believe this is what is going on with my W. She has no fruit and she keeps using the excuse that she is not the best Christian. I contend that a true Christian will look like a martyr to the world. They have the other person's best interest at heart and only want to see others have the same relationshiip they have with Jesus.<P>This is what I pray that others can see.<P><B>I would suggest you get Gary Smalley's book Making LOve Last Forever. It may help you to see things a little differently. I know it opened my eyes to a lot of things that I was doing wrong and still am working to correct. Rome wasn't built in a day.</B><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited March 22, 2000).]