I talked to H's X-wife tonight. The first time in 4 years. She called to get H's number over at OW's house because their son is sick, needs to go to doctor. (She doesn't have insurance). I told her G. was on my insurance. She said T needed to take responsibility for son, it wasn't my concern. She called him, then called me back.(H said use my insurance, he couldn't afford anything)<P>We started talking. Boy, did I learn a few things. She was married to him for 20 years. I don't even know where to begin!! H and I have been together for 4 years, he still calls her, still calls her "babe," says "he can't imagine growing old without her," says "there still is a chance." Wow!! <P>History is repeating itself. Believe me, I am wide awake. I told her about the weight thing. She told me that he was abusive in their relationship. She tried commiting suicide, he was worried about the bills he would have to pay because of it.<P>H had ? affairs. She says hes a sex addict. "There were skinny ones, fat ones, pretty ones, ugly ones." "He is a charmer" Always has been always will be one.<P>I really fell in love with this man. I thought he really loved me. How wrong I was. I asked him tonight if he would come over Friday, im taking the day off. I told him I had a letter to give him. (This was before I talked to X). Well hes going to get the letter plus some.<P>If that man says one negative thing about me, I have a few for him also. She talked about how much she did for him (me too), she talked about how much she loved him (me too). She has a letter that she's going to read me, when she finds it. She said she kept it to remind her, how he is, what he's about. <P>She said that the letter he wrote her was to get her back. (This was years and years ago). She had moved to Ohio, so anyway H called her family to find out when she left, he knew approx. what time she would be arriving. When she walks in with her 4 boys, there is T with his 18 year old girlfriend. <P>At this point in time, I'm not sure what I'm dealing with. I know that I cannot walk away from this I need to run as fast as I can. <P>X said she wished she would have told me in the beginning. I told her I would have thought she was crazy. There is NO-Way that this man could be like this!! <P>I will come back, to read, for emotional support from so many of your posts. I am no longer looking to save my marriage, it would seem impossible. He needs a lot of help. My co-dependant self would like to help, but this is way above me. He needs MAJOR help.<P>I am in shock! I thought he loved me. He never did!! He drained me emotionally and financially. I know that its going to be real tough in the months ahead, I'm going to loose everything and I have to get emotionally prepared for that. Wow!! <P>It's ironic that the letter I had for him was about finding himself. I've added so much more. I will never let him demean me again. I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!! Boy don't we all immediately feel like that! Yes, I do admit to some, but you know,<BR> no matter what I changed would NEVER had made a difference.<P>I told X that I hoped I would be strong when he asked to come back (we both agree that this will happen) she said to call her, she'd bring me back to reality.<P>Can someone like this be saved?? I know one way, to turn to God but he won't. I will pray for him, he needs it.<P>I will pray for you all. I Pray that your marriages will survive, and you will find the happiness that so many of you deserve. I will also. I know there is someone out there for me. Who will appreciate me for who and what I am. H can kiss my XXX. <P>I cannot believe that there are people in this world like this! How can someone hurt people over and over again. Why? What happened to them to make them like this?? No remorse, no nothing!?<P>Tracy

TroubleC<P>You sound very self-assured and strong about this. Yes, it does sound like your H is playing his x. It's too bad he can still have that effect on her after so many years and surprising that she is open to hearing these things from him after what he put her through.<P>Please don't convince yourself that your H never loved you. I am not in disagreement with your decision at all. I applaud your strengh. I just want you to consider one thing. Your H put his x wife through hell, and now he is doing it to you. Are you sure that her telling you all of this is not a little vengence on her part? Is this the person you want to call when you are feeling weak? Her reality may be very different from your reality. I would chose a long-time trusted friend to lean on rather than my H x.<P>I admire the strength you have found and hope it helps you through all this. Anger is a true human emotion, one which we can't always make go away.<P>Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking about you.<BR>

Dear Tracy,<P>I am glad that you will continue to visit, even though your mind is made up about your H.<P>As to the questions at the end of your post, "hurting people hurt people." Your husband must have a lot of pain hidden away for him to act in the way you have described.<BR>A person like that may think they are powerful, but really they are pitiful. It may help if you think of him that way.<P>In time, please try to forgive him. I'm not saying that for him, but for you! Unforgiveness eats away at us like an unseen cancer. It steals our joy and prolongs our pain. And it doesn't hurt the person we are mad at; oftentimes they are blissfully unaware of the pain we are still carrying.<P>If you are going to get on with your life, then really leave your H behind, by choosing to forgive. I know you may not be ready to do this yet, but I am not sure when I will have the chance to speak to you again, and I wanted to be sure to share this with you.<P>I wish you every happiness, but even more than happiness, contentment.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

TC,<P>Just another angle here, but, my first XW used to tell Val stories about me. I thought it was just a spite motive until late last year when I got an E and Toni expressed she still has feeling for me after 13 years apart. She spilled her heart out. <P>Only wondering if your H's X is blowing smoke up your butt. Just something to think about.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim