Many people have said that their spouse was angry for months, and then started to get less angry, even though they were still with the OP. My H has been angry for over a year now, and getting progressively worse.<P>I am beginning to think that he will be like this forever. He goes out of his way to be vindictive, yet I haven't done anything for him to be vindictive about. He says he wants to something one way, then later, when I bring it up again, he doesn't want to anymore, and he accuses me of not acting in good faith. <P>I can't imagine how I am ever going to co-parent with this man. How can this continue for the next 14 years??<BR>

Nellie,<P>I am right along with you on this one. My stbx H is getting worse by the day. I never did one thing cruel to him, yet he is just horrible.<P>If you figure out the secret, please share it with me!!! <P>Dana<BR>

Nellie, have you kept a journal of your concerns regarding his behavior toward the children (and yourself)? I've read what you've posted about your husband, and it seems there is no relief in sight as to his continued terrible actions toward his real family.<P>I think your husband is probably irritated at your calmness over this whole situation (from what I've read at least). You are completely in control and maybe he wants some type of confrontation to be able to say that he's justified in his actions? I do know if I were in your position I could never be so calm about it, this man needs to realize just what his actions are causing. Sorry for your pain.

NEllie, I agree with L&L. He probably is too irritated by your calmness. I don't know how you can stay calm with some of his reactions. <P>I have a hard time staying calm myself. I can't say that my H is still really angry but many of his responses to me are really out there. They make me want to lose my calmness and sanity. I usually wait until he is gone to lose my sanity.<P>Today, I feel like I can't go on anymore. I just want to run away. I am actually making plans to move out of this neighborhood and into a rental home. I will need to leave here to find a decent job and an area for me and the kids.<P>

This is very hard for me to understand. I can say that my SO never was really angry with his STBX. He did the exact opposite and blamed himself for everything. Even now he goes overboard trying to be agreeing and nice no matter what. I think that this really makes his STBX more angry. He is a people pleaser. Maybe your H's wish you would just get mad so they would have an excuse to act like they have decided to act anyway? What do you think about that?<P>Del

lonelymom,<P>Unfortunately, I don't think I am ever going to be able to figure out why.<P>Live&Learn,<P>I do think he would rather I lash out at him so he could justify his actions. I think he is well aware of the pain he has caused me, and he may even be aware of how much pain he has caused the kids. <P>I haven't kept a journal, but I have kept copies of all the emails sent by both of us. I forwarded him one of his emails once in which he said that he wanted to do something that he later denied - but even hard evidence makes no difference.<P>Once, when backed into a corner by the therapist over a promise that he had broken to me, he said that maybe he was just a jerk. Apparently that was supposed to be sufficient reason.<P>tootrusting,<P>I don't know that calm is exactly the right word - I try to be reasonable, but he gets upset no matter what I do or don't do. I certainly can never disagree about anything without him becoming furious. Everything has to be his way. <P>Delphi,<P>My H may wish that I would get mad. He certainly blames me for everything. The only "mistakes" he made were marrying me, and then not "facing our problems" (whatever they were - I guess I don't get to know) and divorcing me long ago. <P>How much interaction do you "allow" your SO to have with his wife? Are casual conversations allowed, or can he only discuss the children? Are they allowed to discuss settlement issues in person? How often do you allow him to see his kids? My H told our children that he was seeing them as much as he could, when they asked him to see more of them. Recently, shortly after he complained about them disrupting the OW's household, he started "having to work late" on Friday nights so he couldn't take them until Saturday. Apparently my H calls the OW when he arrives here to pick up the kids for dinner, and I think calls her again after he drops them off. Dinner takes 60-75 minutes - even if he knows I am not going to be here when he drops them off. He used to have a pager, and if he was still here a few minutes after he normally left, apparently she would page him. She has changed the name she goes by - which really confused my kids - I guess since her name is the same as mine. To her, he refers to me only by my initials, even in front of the kids. <P>I worry that if he is still so angry at me for everything after all this time, he is going to continue to blame me forever. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited March 23, 2000).]