My H left last night after nearly five weeks of knowing his ugly secret. Still don't know how to move forward with all of this. I feel less stress that he is gone because I don't have to look at him and uncontrollably think "he loves someone more than me" so this is good. But I do miss him already. Not the "him" he has become but what he used to be. And am fearful that he may never be that again...his whole heart devoted to me. <P>I know most of my problem is that I'm so hurt I have this huge wall of protection up that nobody in the world right now could get over it. And certainly not him. Rather than discussing how to make our marriage work I beg him to just admit he wants a divorce. I'm genuinely more afraid of continuing on right now than I am of divorce and yet, I want a life with him...but a new him...and it's this last part that frightens me as I honestly dont' have hope of ever seeing a new spirit in his body. One that has realized his mistakes, is genuinely and deeply sorry, and really makes the necessary changes to never repeat this again. <P>I guess he's just cried wolf too many times for me to have any faith. I've heard all the apologies and promises before.<P>So why do I sit here waiting for him to change? Because I don't know for sure what I should do so I do nothing. When in doubt, don't, right!? It's too soon to try and begin healing because I still am having so much trouble coping with the reality of what he did. I'm still taking it all in and it's coming in huge emotional waves. As do my moods. Right now I'm on the mellow side.<P>Wish I knew what to do. Wish I could feel good about his efforts. Wish I could be far less frightened. Wish he hadn't played with me like this. Wish he loved me. Wish it were a year from now....

Is There Hope,<P> I don't have any advice, but I have felt the same feelings over and over. It's been 8 months since discovery and I still feel like this from time to time. Even though the marriage builders site maintains that it is better if they are home, it DOES make it easier on you not to have to deal with it day to day. I have to look at my w every night and know that her heart is not with me. It sucks, I know. Just hang in there and maybe it will get better...it does happens...there are miracles. Work on your Plan A. My thoughts are with you.<P>Arrow <BR>

Thank you Arrow. Truth is, I'm refusing to do a Plan A at the moment. I've Plan A'd myself to death in the past and it never worked. You know how some people just can't see beyond their noses until they hit rock bottom...that's my H. I'm not in a position to leave him so I've asked him to leave the house. I know I need to "see" that he is trying so I've agreed to a compromise between Plans A and B. Not a complete cut off but not an open armed welcome either.<P>Eight months down the road and you are still feeling all of this. Yuck. He's hurt me before but because I did Plan A and easily succumbed to his conning, I was doing much better by the 8 month point in time. But given our history, I'm still at square 1 and it's been five weeks so I'm confident that by 8 months I will be nowhere near where I was before.<P>You said you know her heart is not with you. What is going on there, if I may ask? Seems 8 mos later she has chosen to remain with you and should have also chosen to rid the OM from her life...and by now gotten you back into her heart. I can't even imagine how that must feel for you. I'm sorry to hear this. <P>Is there something not going on or am I just so new to this emotional affair stuff that I'm being naive to think that the betrayer should have begun to love the spouse again by 8 months? Oh I do hope I'm not being naive. I don't think I can put up with this awful feeling for that long. <P>You're a very strong person Arrow. I honestly admire you and am in awe at how you must be handling this.