In November, I found out that my H had an almost 2 year affair. At first he denied it but later admitted claiming he wanted to save our family. He was so sincere and even confessed to his Sunday school class that I believed him. He told the OW to never contact him again but of course she continued calling his voice mail, sending faxes and cards and getting her friends to contact him. He was honest about all of these through Christmas and New Year. In January, she took a job where he does business (sales) and didn't tell me. The truth came out when I decided that her husband needed to know so I sent him a letter telling him what had been going on (when this first happened in November my husband told me he would support me if I decided to contact his man-I prayed about it and decided not to but in January I felt it was time) When my H found out I sent the letter, he went insane and left us. He told me I had destroyed their family. This man called me when he got the letter and told me he had known of the affair for over a year and that my H wasn't the only person she was seeing. My H was shocked! Imagine a cheater getting cheated on! We decided again to try to work things out and he told me how disgusted and ashamed he was as she is such a horrible person. Her H told me he was afraid of her as she had recently taken out a $250,000 life insurance policy on him and that she is "evil." She and this other man have an apartment together and she stays out all night with him. She and my husband only saw each other during lunch and to local college football games in the fall. She just used him for money, entertainment and jewelry. In the past few weeks, I've discovered that my H wasn't telling me the truth about his whereabouts. I told him one more lie and it's over. Well he lied. I now realise they've been seeing each other since January. I've had an Order of Protection against him (yes he's an alcoholic too!) that was to expire on January 15th. I've gone to have it extended and the hearing is next Thursday. I'm exhausted!<P>------------------<BR>

Welcome <B>Beyond depressed</B>...<P>I hear your pain...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>---------------------------------------------<P>Now about your post...<P>You've come here for some advice... I gather...<P>You say you have an "order of protection" against your H?... why?<BR>Has there been physical abuse?... emotional abuse?(beyond the affair)... verbal abuse?...<P>If there has been none...<BR>... maybe the "order of protection" could be dropped... and you can start rebuilding your marriage. Without it... you most likely can't.<P>Is he living elsewhere?... far?... with another OW?...<P>About his lying...<BR>...a wayward spouse(WS) is notorious for this. The 'bible' for this forum...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... says... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>To give up completely on just "lying" may not be a good way to re-build... (that is an understatement)... but... there may be more to your story... I'm sure there is!<P>Stay around and post...<BR>You are most certainly <B>not alone</B>!<P>Please do read ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><BR>...and the rest of the MB concepts sites reference there.<P> <P>Jim

I filed the Order of Protection one year ago because of his alcoholism. He became very intoxicated and was screaming and yelling at my daughter and me. (years of this but first time I called 911-we usually just ran away for the night) The police said I should file the Order. The next morning he called on the phone and the yelling and screaming were worse. He said that was a "wake up call" and we decided to try to work out the marriage. On Saturday, I became very angry as again I caught in him in yet another lie about the OW. I was so angry and he kept yelling "Hit me, Hit me", I know in order to call the police to get a restraining order on me. I didn't hit him. (not in my nature) He told me he was going to tell the police that I threw papers on the floor and he left a while ago to get a restraining order on me. (laughable) I learned today that he did indeed have a sexual relationship with this woman. I named her in the complaint on the motion to extend the restraining order. They last one year and you have to ask for more time. He told me twice that she said she was going to kill me. I put that in the information for the order and he now says he didn't say it and they're going to file a lawsuit against me for slander. duh? Once a restraining order has been applied for it cannot be revoked. The judge here said too many times the abuser talks the abused out of it. He's gone now to talk to an attorney. I am so very tired of the lies. It has been 5 months and the lies haven't stopped even though he promises they have. The truth is always so much easier. Why don't people understand that? I have done everything I can to try to make him happy. I've sent him cards, been very affectionate, complimentary, and sat with him evening after evening watching his shows. By the way, we've been married for almost 17 years and probably have had sex 30 times. He told me that it's just not a part of his life and for me to deal with it. The last time was 5 years ago and the time before that was 5 years earlier. When I was trying to get pregnant with our daughter he told me "once a month is all you have." Can you begin to imagine my pain?

{{{{{{{{{{Beyond depressed}}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm real sorry for your pain...<P>Those words... "Hit me, Hit me"... conjure up an incredible nightmare for me...<BR>My W did the same thing about one month before she moved out (w/ OM)... trying to force me out of our house on abuse charges!(also not in my character!) I was soooooo upset. She too filed a report against me (conveniently leave the "Hit me, Hit me" part).<P>Is you H living with you now?...<P>I'd <B>strongly</B> recommend you get a mini-tape recorder and record all conversations with your H... and OW if they crop up... I think you need to be in a "protection" mode... and from what I understand... so far... you <B>do</B> need to get an "Order of Protection"!<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself (and your daughter) legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<P>I know you'd still like to save your marriage (possibly)...<BR>...if this is the case...<BR>I would recommend that you havea few <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Pop-psychologists abound everywhere (even here... me included!) You need <B>real</B> professional help!<P>Please stay here...<BR>Post... post... post...<BR>...and again you are not alone...<BR>There are several W's here who have alcoholic H's...<BR>When you post... Identify prospective forum members you want to respond... with "alcoholic's W seeks.... X...Y...Z..."<P>I pray for you... <P>Jim

Jim, thanks for the supportive words. It helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with "craziness." I'm seeing a Christian counselor today and an attorney (recommended by my pastor)who also is a Christian week after next. My H came home yesterday all apologetic and needy. Whew! I can't take this roller coaster anymore. He's seeing a lawyer today about the Extention of the Order of Protection. He says he's afraid of me. I don't drink, I don't run with trash, I stay at home and take care of things that need to be seen to and go to church. Big threat... I was not welcomed in his parent's home or their lake home yet when his mother died, I took over and cared for eveyone else. I brought his father who had not spoken to me in years into our home and cared for him night and day. I also brought in his handicapped cousin and cared for him also. I stayed at home with our daughter while my H went out with his girlfriend under the pretense that he was taking "customers" and increasing his business. He never showed up for any of our daughter's tennis tournaments or clinics. The morning after my father died as I was preparing to go to the mortuary, he called me every foul name in the book and told me I was worthless and he was divorcing me. Last night he told me he didn't want a divorce and he didn't think I would get one either. I think I have lost myself. I used to have a really good sense of humor and had a great time with life. Now I don't want to go out and be seen by anyone. I feel everyone knows and either talks about how stupid I am or that I must be a really horrible person to make him do the things he does. I dread going back to work. I have a B.S. in Business Management but I'm so lost that I couldn't conduct a decent interview. I'm praying the counselor today will be able to help me. Thank you again for your kind words. You're a blessing to me.<BR>Ann

WOW, it does sound like you have lost yourself. Now it is time to heal YOURSELF. If you can't save a sinking ship then you need to get off. What worries me is the type of marriage that you had/have. Especially the intimacy part. I think that sends up BIG FLAGS that something was definitely wrong with your H before you found out about your husbands affair. I am glad to hear that you are seeking counseling and realizing that you have to find yourself. That's always a start. Working on YOURSELF.

Beyond,<BR>I am so sorry for your situation. You sound very capable and intelligent. Seeing a counselor is a very good step. Like all of us, you need to decide if this marriage is what you want. If it isn't, the actions you need to take are pretty clear. If you do want this man and this marriage...this site is amazing and there are many, many resources. <P>NSR does a wonderful job in putting links in his posts, check those out as well.<P>But do keep in mind, you cannot change your H, you can't control him, you can't cure him. All you can do is offer options, change you, take care of yourself and children and hang on to the roller coaster for now.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

I went to the counselor today and he was great! Told me it was past time for me to move on and find who I am again. He is a great Christian and we really contected in discussing our faith. H told me tonight that this woman wasn't the only one. That I was still "******* stupid, ******* idiot, and made a ******* fool of myself" Everything in the world is my fault. Why be so cruel? He said I was evil. The Bible says that in the latter days, what is good will be called evil and what is evil will be called good. His statement made me think of that. I am so thankful that I serve a loving God and that no matter what anyone else says about me, He says that I am of value to Him. He sees me as He sees Jesus as I am joint heir with Him. Praise God for the shed blood of Jesus Christ and that He chose me a lowly sinner to be one of His own. Please pray for me and my daughter in the coming days as we are very nervous around him. Thank you for all you kind words of encouragement!

BD,<P>Hi! I wanted to post to you because my situation is similar to yours.<P>My H is also an alcoholic and is abusive. He is both verbally and physically abusive to me. I put up with it for 10 1/2 years. He left me and our 3 children 2 days before Christmas and moved in with the OW. In the beginning he was somewhat angry with me but could be civil and gave me money every week. Since then it has gotten worse. He stopped giving me money almost 6 weeks ago and hasn't seen the boys in 6 weeks also. <P>In the beginning I wanted him back home. Now since he's been gone for 3 months, I feel relief. I no longer have to walk on eggshells around him, wonder when/if he is coming home or what mood he will be in. I still feel love for him but I don't want him. <P>I filed for divorce and he will be served the papers hopefully tomorrow morning. He will be very angry about the things that are in the papers. But I had to do it to protect my kids. He had been telling me for a month that he had filed. It was just more lies to try and get me to do everything his way (control). I will have to hide from him this weekend so he doesn't hurt me. Not a good way to live but better than putting up with him. <P>I'm not telling you to leave your H. You do what you need to for you and your kids. I just wanted to give you the feeling that you are not alone in what you are going thru.<P>Be careful and take care,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi, It's funny that a woman named Mitzi helped my H and OW in their affair. They even "double dated." I can't imagine why someone would want to promote that kind of behavior. Your name brought that to mind. <P>I tell my husband living with him is like living with a posionous snake in the house. Your not sure where it is or when it will strike so you gingerly live your life in fear. My H never hit us with his fists but with his words-those scars are hidden from view. <P>My daughter told me last night that if he ever came to live with us again that she would run away. I know he thinks this will all blow over and he'll get back in control. I'm going to ask for a no-contact order of protection. The money may stop but I can deal with that. <P>I believe that when this is all over and my daughter and I get our lives together, we'll be saying "Why didn't we do this years ago!"<P>I'll be praying for you and your children, Mitzi, that you'll be safe. Thanks for your encouragement!

Found evidence today that he is drinking again. If caught he spends 10 days in jail and no one can get him out, not even the president. His life is so out of control and the biggest mess I've ever seen. He's got to be so very miserable. He's lost his parents, his wife and child, his reputation, and his business is suffering. What he's got is the knowledge that it's his fault and was preventable..no way to fix it now. When angry, he blames me but I know in his heart he knows the truth. Pitiful..pitiful...