My story is probably like a lot of others but I am still very confused. About 5 weeks ago I came home from business travel and my wife informed me that she had an affair with one of my friends and said it was over between us. (We have been married 9.5 years.) The next day we went to counseling but she did not want to continue and wanted a seperation (so she left). At the begining she was very cold and would not let me near her or touch her or anything. She told me that I had not been showing her I love her for over a year. She was tired of trying and not 100% there anymore. She did say she still loved me though. Anyway, in the last two weeks she has been getting closer to me and we actually made love two days straight and called off work one day together. She has been staying with her lover almost everyday except the days she is with me. Now the day after we were together for two days she stayed with him again and probably will continue. She has told me she has feelings for him but is not sure what to do. We own a home and have a new one that will be finished at the end of this month (8 days). She doesn't know if she wants to be there either but...we are going through with it. I am just confused about what to do, how to act, etc... I try and not talk about things as to not upset her but it is killing me. I want her back but again do not know what to do. I feel we have gotten a lot closer since this all started but it will never work unless she dumps her lover. I would appreciate any comments. I have read Dr. Harley's advice but am still confused and need some input as to why she is like she is. And maybe comments from those who have similar situations??

Well I don't know how much insight I can give you.I am the betayer,I can sort of relate to your wifes situation.Although I was not as heavi;y involved with the OM as she is.<P>But I can tell you that while she is still in contact with OM,she will continue to be distant towards you,as I was.She's got it in her head he makes her feel alot more special than you do.<P>But it's just not true she has just forgotten those "honeymoon" feelings you had when you first met.You say she's been coming to you for the past few days ,well that just means shes not getting some emotional needs from her lover,so now she's turning to you.<P>I have learned that in order to really focus on a marriage you MUST break off all contact with OP.In my case the OM broke it off with me which was really humiliating but I'm so glad he did.<P>Because it made me realize how wrong and disgusting it really was.Although I'm still in withdrawal I've been talking to my H more and I'm really excited about rebuilding my marriage. Instead of dreading coming home,I now have hope and that makes me want to come home.<P>I hope that I'm helping you by giving you the betrayers point of view.Remember she must stop all contact thats the only way!!!!It's still scary for me but atleast I have hope.<P>Take care

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Reina:<BR><B>Well I don't know how much insight I can give you.I am the betayer,I can sort of relate to your wifes situation.Although I was not as heavi;y involved with the OM as she is.<P>But I can tell you that while she is still in contact with OM,she will continue to be distant towards you,as I was.She's got it in her head he makes her feel alot more special than you do.<P>But it's just not true she has just forgotten those "honeymoon" feelings you had when you first met.You say she's been coming to you for the past few days ,well that just means shes not getting some emotional needs from her lover,so now she's turning to you.<P>I have learned that in order to really focus on a marriage you MUST break off all contact with OP.In my case the OM broke it off with me which was really humiliating but I'm so glad he did.<P>Because it made me realize how wrong and disgusting it really was.Although I'm still in withdrawal I've been talking to my H more and I'm really excited about rebuilding my marriage. Instead of dreading coming home,I now have hope and that makes me want to come home.<P>I hope that I'm helping you by giving you the betrayers point of view.Remember she must stop all contact thats the only way!!!!It's still scary for me but atleast I have hope.<P>Take care</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>fgf

Reina,<P>Thanks for replying. I am aware that there cannot be an "us" until the OM is out of the picture but when I bring it up it pushes her away. How did you feel when your H questioned you? What do you feel the steps I need to be taking? What is best? Hope you can reply and thanks again.

caj,<P> We share a lot in common with the big difference being I'm a few months ahead of you. Both of us are engineers which is a handcap here. LOGIC doesn't work, EVERYTHING you are going to go though is illogical at best.<P> You have answered a lot of your own questions you just didn't see them. What you describe is so very common. Your wife thinks she is in love with two people. Actually what has happen is that you have failed to fill all of her needs for the past year (she even told you this). To translate that what she means is that you only failed in a few places, how many I don't know. This OM is filling in the pieces that you are not. You have the upper hand here. Once upon a time you filled all of her needs. This means you can do it again. The OM was selected stickly because he filled these needs. I don't think many on the betrayer side of the fence can say that the OP filled all of the needs like there partner did once upon a time.<P> What you need to do is look over all the info here. Learn it, understand what makes a relationship tick. Learn what makes an affair tick. The first thing you need to start doing is putting "Love Units" into her "Love Bank". As you do this she will become more and more open to what you have to say. What I did next and I'm not sure it's right but I was able to talk to my wife about her relationship. If you do this use your ablilities as an engineer and the knowledge you learn about affairs to pick apart her realtionship. DON'T PUSH HERE, you don't want to push her away just SLOWLY build up your relationship and SLOWLY help her to see the OM's relationship for what it really is.<P> If your like me you will need some help on what you can do to help build up some of these "Love Units" so do a internet query on Romantic tips, Look at the post J willy has on "Ladies -- how do I deposit Love Units".<P> Study hard, be patience, loving, caring and understanding and you go places. This can be really hard to do. How can you be romantic when your suffering with visions of her and the OM. Vent your anger here, vent it anywhere you can. Don't let that eat you up. The best thing is if you can just let it slide (maybe NSR can come up with a few ideas here). ABOUT ALL DON'T BLAST HER RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW, BE NETURAL. <P> It is not easy to do this when all this thing does is tear you apart. Each day your heart will be ran though a grinder, BUT IF YOU CAN HELP YOU WIFE THOUGH THIS TROUBLED TIME IN HER LIFE YOU'LL WIN.<P> One more point, Your wife is going to become very depressed once she wakes up from this. She will feel terrible about what she has don't to you. She will not believe that she was this crazy and stupid. Your relationship sounds very survivalable and I think you do good <P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

Caj1<P>Sorry ti took me so long to reply.I just read gettin better's reply and he is absolutely right on! I couldn't have said it better myself.<P>I remember how perfect I thought the OM was and even though I'm still in withdrawal I'm am starting to see how digusting the whole thing was.I was so caught up in my own selfishness that I wouldn't let my H in at all.It was like a trance like te OM was the only one for me-UGHHH-thats how I think about it now.<P><BR>You need to sit your wife down and tell her she needs to end all contact or else nothing is going to change.I know she doesn't want to now but once she does she will see what it really was(quote from Getting Better)<P>And this too shall pass.....